I Did It!! Finally. Thot I might have to start volunteering to do the neighbours' laundry for practise!

fri. 13th Jan.

I decided to do the laundry after 7 tonight, so if I screwed up, I would be able to have a shower and count it for an evening shower, not a 2^nd shower for the day.  I reread my thought record- the alternative thots and kept a mantra going: 'its not toxic dirt….' I also decided that if I still needed to screw something up before my last therapy session on Monday so I’d be able to talk it out, that would be ok too.  I picked up the pile of laundry from katrina’s room.  So far ok.  That’s not usually a problem.  Got the laundry from our room.   Got the towels from the bathroom that needed washing.   Loaded up machine.  Then remembered the ‘toxic’ laundry hanging on the drying rack from the ymca weeks ago when I touched the shower curtain that had black spots on it.  I decided that was nonsense, grabbed the towels and swim suit and threw them into the laundry too.  Detergent went nicely in the machine.  I still have about 10 loads to go before this bottle runs out and I can get a  clean bottle to go along with my now ‘clean’ dirty laundry.  Then I may have less problems if I accidently touch something after touching the detergent.  I know I could just wipe off the bottle but that may not make it anti-dirty.  Maybe next time.  This time I just wanted to get everything done.  Wiped the floor, stuck the paper towels into the garbage bag and washed my hands.    All done.  All happy. 

   
I felt funny- like dirty after washing my hands.  I didn’t want to touch my library books or my nice warm fuzzy robe I wear to stay warm and cozy in .  We started getting KD ready for bed. Out of nowhere she ran over and grabbed my shirt and when  I questioned that she hugged me.  So much for ocd.  I had to get over it fast.  I did feel awkward for a few seconds while Bruce tugged her away from me.  I went to hug her and let her know it was ok.  We got in her bed together and I read to her for a little while.

Jan. 17.   Yesterday was my last day of therapy!!!! My counsellor thinks i'm ready, and so do I...sort of.  I'm excited and happy- it's been a long hard journey- but also nervous because this doesn't mean that ocd has disappeared, only that i am now capeable of dealing with it as it happens and with cbt and act tools, before it gets too far. 

Erp today involved me putting some stuff in the kitchen garbage can and because the bag hasn’t been pushed all the way down, the paper garbage is settling near the top.  A Kleenex rolled off the garbage over the can edge (that I’d cleaned just yesterday cause it was garbage night) and onto my sock/ maybe pantleg.  What to do?  Change pants?  I  didn’t want to.  I wiped my leg/ sock off with a handful of water but that didn’t seem to do it.  So I sat with my leg sticking off the couch.  After a while I decided that nothing was wrong with the pants/ sock (show me the dirt).  and I am now sitting with my legs crossed on the couch. 

Book Review: 'It'll Be Okay' How I Kept OCD From Ruining My Life by Shannon Shy

Shannon Shy, a Marine officer had ocd. Not the ‘cute’ kind where people say: “ oh, I’m sooo OCD”, but the real, devastating kind that turns your life and everyone in it upside down. Shannon gives a detailed description of all his ocd symptoms and how they affected his life. He uses the words ‘tortured’, ‘exhausting’, ‘haunting thoughts’ and anguish. All strong words that underscore the intensiveness and seriousness of ocd.

Most of Shy’s symptoms had to do with checking. Was the door really locked? Was that log over there by the side of the road really a dying person? Did I hit a bump in the road or run over someone? Was that thing in the pond over there really a person in distress? Lets go check. Not once, not twice but over and over. If he didn’t check, then the thoughts would come: it will be YOUR fault if the person drowns, the house catches on fire, the man beside the road dies.

Shy’s ocd had him feeling responsible for everyone who was swimming in the water. Did they come out safely? Where did the 2 ladies at the beach go? Are they drowning in the water?

And then there were the environmental triggers: a drop of gas that dripped on the ground while putting the nozzle back would have to be reported to the attendant. A discarded anti-freeze or other chemical container was cause for concern. Spilling gas on the grass while filling up the lawn mower meant Shy was contaminating the neighbourhood and that precise spot of grass must be dug up and discarded. A half-full bag of fertilizer lift on the military grounds made him anxious for weeks. Stepping in a puddle of fluid in a parking lot meant either cleaning his shoes or throwing them out.

Safety was also an issue. Shy would check the soccer field before his child played on it to make sure no rocks or other items were on it that could hurt a child. Were children in the park or doctor's office safe and being treated kindly by their parents? Were the airplane’s wings cracked? Did he leave the hotel room or house in a safe, sanitary, undamaged condition before departing? After doing his own checks he’d report his findings to the coach, attendant or officer in charge, often getting confused looks in return.

His mind could no longer tell the difference between an important or non- important issue. Log book entries while ‘on duty’were pages long because he had to report everything.

Finally after spending one early morning chasing down what ‘might’ have been a gunshot and reporting it to the police, Shannon became totally frustrated with himself and wished to die.He finally made a call to the Navy Psychiatrist. The psychiatrist diagnosed him with ocd and explained how ocd works. While doing a ritual relieves the anxiety for a moment, the thoughts return again, stronger and more frequent. Ocd feeds on itself.

After being given some medication, Shy was sent to a psychologist. There he was told he had to learn to accept the ocd thought and not resist it AND stop doing the compulsion. First tho, he had to figure out which of his thoughts were ocd because to him they ALL seemed legitimate. Ocd thoughts, he learned are those that second guessed what he saw or heard. Ocd came with an adverse physical reaction (heart racing, hot flashes).

Shannon Shy developed a set of ground rules for himself. And with some positive self talk he began practising what he learned. Ground rule 1 was that he didn’t have to be perfect. He could just manage ocd to the best of his ability. Rule 2 is that ocd is separate from Who He Was. Thus he attributed ocd thoughts to the illness (rule 3), not to himself. He was battling ocd. He practiced allowing an ocd thought to remain in his head realizing that he did not need to AGREE with the thought to allow it to move across his mind. Thoughts don’t hurt anyone. (rule 4) And finally rule 5 reminded him to resist the compulsion. With practise, he learned to stop the ocd at the thought with no accompanying compulsive urges any longer! After 2 years he was doing so well that he was basically symptom free and with a doctor’s permission slowly eliminated his medications.

In his second last chapter Shy mentioned some life strategies that have helped him. The first was a positive attitude. The second was to rely on friends, family and faith for support. Third, he believed in living life and enjoying it as much as possible. Finally he saw himself as a valuable part of the universe.

In the last chapter he has a bit of advice for family and friends of someone suffering with ocd. He tells them to educate themselves about ocd, tell the sufferer he is not crazy and there is help available. Most of all, he says, don’t be a crutch. Support and encourage your friend or relative but don’t make the decisions for them. They must battle the ocd thoughts themselves to win the fight.

What I like best about Shy’s book is his detailed descriptions of his ocd thoughts and compulsions. He also does a lot of positive self talk to get himself thru resisting a compulsion. ‘It’ll be ok’ is not just a hopeful title, it is his mantra whenever he battles an ocd thought. Funnily enough, it’s my mantra too while I am doing an ERP or waiting for the flood of feelings to leave.

Some of his ‘rules’ I had also already figured out for myself: ( think of ocd as a separate entity) or read elsewhere ( label irrational thoughts as ocd and don’t resist them but do NOT do the compulsion). Also, he doesn't go into much detail about his journey out of ocd.

This is a great book for a person who is just beginning their journey to healing from ocd. Learning the ground rules and life-attitudes and practising them will help them win the battle against this cruel disorder.

AAAARG!!!!! Here I Am Waiting For Dread To Leave

I just finished the laundry, well 15 min. ago and have been 'entertaining' DREAD since then.  So while I wait for him to get tired and go away, I'll post my thot sheet and action plan and results.
   I post my thot records because they are actual REAL thot records, not from an example in a workbook which always seemed to me to be so uncomplicated and simple.  And the results were so perfect.  So here i post my real battles.

First of all Bruce dumped a pile of laundry from Tom’s room onto the floor, so now the floor is dirty to begin with.  Does taking off my socks when done still meet the idea?  I know it meets the letter of the law, as it would NOT be a shower, but do I want to start changing clothes as a habit? 

Action Plan

1. take laundry off KD’s floor downstairs and sort into basket (lites) or washer. 
2. I already put a bathroom cleaning rag and some towels and stuff from the bathroom into the machine.
3. put detergent, vinegar and baking soda into machine.
4. take stuff from basket and put into machine.  Do not touch basket ??
5. clean off machines with vinegar and rag.
6. wipe floor clean.
7. take off sox??
8. wash hands
9. put on clean sox.
10. sit and feel the dread while typing success story.
11. finish reading my book when dread stops bugging me.

thought record  

 situation:  do laundry and only wash hands (up to elbows if needed)-and only for 1 min. or less, (not for an entire shower time frame J ) and change sox.

Mood:  80% thinking I can do the laundry ok. 

           : 120% thinking I can touch computer, library book afterwards with only washing hands for 1 min. or less. 

 Hot thought:

1.     the laundry in the basket is dirty.

2.     The basket itself is dirtier because it’s had ocd clothes in it before and I haven’t cleaned the baskets in a while- since the summer when sand was in the bottom of the baskets after camping.  

3.     Only a very long time under water and soap will get my hands ‘clean’

Anti- hot thots:

1. Soap cleans doctor’s hands from bad germs so will also clean my hands even if I’m not washing them for 10 min or more.
2. I didn’t work at an atomic bomb factory or anywhere else toxic dirt hides, so it’s only going to be ‘normal’ dirt on my clothes.
3. my house is NOT a hiding place for toxic dirt; not even mold is toxic, it’s just bad for respiration and will not remain after a handwash.
4. other people do laundry and leave the laundry room/ Laundromat without taking a shower first.  If they haven’t died and have touched stuff afterwards so can i.
5. I USED to put laundry soap, clothes in a washer, turn it on, wash my hands and leave the laundry room.  I’ve probably even carried dirty laundry from `1 place to another without thinking about it (gasp).

Now it’s time to get Bruce to watch me while I do this before I lose my nerves again.

(That way i have 'witness' in case i'm drawing a blank on whether i did something wrong or not. Ie: if i thot a piece of clothing touched me he could say 'no it didn't.  Laundry touched the wall and stair rail on the way downstairs and he told me it was alright.  I was able to listen to him and keep going.  I only need to have him watch me for the first time or 2 until i feel comfortable and my inner OCD isn't screaming 'what if' lies at me. )

Well, I’m back, a bit shaky and very stressed.  It’s pouring off me like heat.  That was the longest load of laundry in a long while.  I didn’t touch the basket.  I got the clothes in with no problem.  The problem started when I was taking off my sox.  I put my foot  back in the ‘unclean’ area instead of taking a step forward.  So I wiped my foot off with the same paper towel I did the floor with.  Then I thought that was stupid.  Bruce turned on the water for me and I washed my hands, arms to elbow and the soap handle.  I think it was over a min. cause I forgot I was timing it until I was already started.   Then I had to put sox back on.  But first I had to wash my foot.  I guess Bruce was feeling sorry for me by this time because he got the Kleenex and did it for me.  I got the ‘easy’ sock on but couldn’t get the other one on without touching my foot. By now foot AND pantleg have ocd, no matter what I did.  I rewashed my hands, got a towel to dry them with and took the towel right to the basement and threw it on a clothes pile.  Now I think the whole area around the towel is also dirty because air would have been blown around by the towel falling and got dirt from the clothes to fly all over the place.  And I have to walk past that to get to my clean laundry in a while.

So now here I am exuding heat and dread and feeling dumb that I can’t get this ‘right’.  Soon I will have to start touching other items with my clean hands and dirty brain. I already touched the tv remote for KD but that’s mine, not the library’s.  don’t want to get my library books contaminated.  Now I’m feeling that all my clothes are also contaminated too.  Never mind that NOTHING touched them.  They were around the air of the dirty laundry.  That’s enuf.  So much for feeling wonderful that things were going so well today.  I could put the Christmas decorations away, toys away and noticed (again) how simple and non-energy consuming that task really was.  I can do so  much more in the same amount of time cause I don’t have to fight myself all the time and then take a break because I’m tired of fighting. 

I’m still saying no to reading my library book.  But I WANT  to read it.  soon. i. hope. Don't want to contaminate it, tho.   Lets play on the internet for awhile till DREAD leaves my brain and I can go back to being me.  I hope that’s what happens. :/  6:30.  it’s been 15 min. already.

6:45 and i've finished transfering my ERP from my journal to here.  Now it's dinner.  OCD DREAD is a lot lower but still not ready to read library books yet.  I can eat dinner tho. (because i don't care if i poison myself.  And i'm pretty sure it's all ok, says rational brain, when it gets a word in edgewise.

 Yesterday I washed the floor all by myself.  I swept it first and then filled out a thought sheet while I was ‘resting’ from that stress.  It turns out that I have more anger that I may do it ‘wrong’ly than I do anxiety- or that could be what the anxiety is.  So after it died down a bit, I got the pail and mop, followed my  written instructions and only made a few errors.  I touched the tablecloth area I sometimes back into when I’m getting the garbage bags down for garbage day, so I felt that that would contaminate the mop.  I just washed up in the sink (no shower J).  Then continued mopping. I then touched the bottom of the mop where the rags start while wringing it out, but instead of washing again (it happened almost right when I got back), I just finished off using only one hand.  While I was doing that my anxiety went down because I had already decided  on my thot record that if my foot got touched by the wet mop, it’d be ok because it was just vinegar water and maybe some dirt/dust from the floor.  No toxic dirt. So how would it be different for my hand?  Not enuf to make me actually touch the mop with it again, but enuf to get the anxiety down and put it into the thought record as ‘ok’ if it happens next time.  I took the stuff downstairs, emptied the pail, put the mop back in it and turned off the lights (with my shirt), went upstairs to wash my hands and my left arm to my elbow.  That took a little longer than a ‘normal’ wash, but not nearly as long as a shower.  Oh yah, the mop top touched my shirt ( I think) and I didn’t change it.  

 I still think it’s ridiculous to be proud of doing something I could do at 10 yrs old, but I am.

Monday  we did our Christmas shopping for Katrina.  I also wanted to do my usual desensitation at a used clothing store (the usual one, not a different one.)  On our way there Bruce asked if I wanted to go to the dollar store first.  I said no.  and then said well, I HAVE a preference, but that doesn’t matter. I don’t give in to all my preferences, esp.  He was ready to do it- without me even directly asking for it.  We talked about that later.  I said that confuses me when he is willing to do the ‘ocd thing’ even when I don’t ask/ insist because to me, that means that he sees there IS a reason to do it ocd’s way.   Did the rest of our shopping etc. with no problems from ocd for going there first.  It is  sooo nice when my brain stays quiet!