Poll

There are some good memoirs out as well as good books about ocd.
If you were just diagnosed with ocd, or had family members who were,
would you sign the following books out of the library?

If they weren't in your local library, would you get them thru interlibrary loan?

Would you prefer to read them on a kindle/kobo or other electronic device instead?

Reason for asking:  there aren't any really good memoirs at my local library.  I would like to donate a few of the ones i thot were good success stories.  But i don't want to do that if people with ocd don't read books about ocd- because of fears or disinterest.  What do you think?

Books:

 Brain Lock by Jeff Schwartz,
Rewind, Repeat, Replay by radio personality Jeff Bell.
  It'll Be Ok.  How I Kept Ocd From Ruining My Life by Shannon Shy
When in Doubt Make Believe by Jeff Bell (above)
Freedom From Ocd by Jonathan Grayson (haven't read this one but hear it's a good ocd book)

thanks for answering. :)








Erp:  laundry.


Plan

1 Put detergent etc into machine.

2.Take laundry out of basket and off floor (the garbage day laundry) carefully, putting into machine by only touching my hands/ arms.
3.Wipe down machine. 
4.Take ppr towel and turn on tap. Wash hands.  End of ‘ pre-dirty clothes.  Now laundry is all clean.   
     Start over with new thought that laundry is not dirty.
5.Breathe. Calm down.  Make dinner.
6. Go to library!!!!!!!! Reward.



Thot record: same as before.





Results:  Well Bruce fell asleep around 3 and didn’t wake up for 2 ½ hours or so.  So dinner was before laundry which was ok.  I did really well until I kicked one of the towels on the floor with my foot. So I had to take my sock of and clean my foot. Sounds fine, quick, easy but not so because once ocd has a tiny grip it sinks its teeth in and doesn’t let go.  I wiped my foot and then wondered if my pants touched the paper towel.  So I took my pants off.  I wiped my feet and washed my hands.  Of course I was not impressed with myself- again- but tried not to beat myself up. -After all that would be perfectionism and that's not nice.- So what should I tell myself, I wondered?  I don’t believe in false praise as that doesn’t help anyone and even kids figure out its false.  I mean 2+2 = 5 is not ‘almost’ right, unless the kid is 3.  After that it’s wrong.  But on a math paper, you usually get more than 1 question to get  right. Getting ¾ questions right is still good, not perfect, but who says you have to be.  Ditto for a project. You get part marks for each section and maybe spelling and content.  You may end up with  25/ 35, but … and the light went on. 

To me, an erp is like a math question 2+3=5.  But erp isn’t as easy as that.  It’s more like a project. So I get 10/10 for putting the clothes in the basket into the machine,

 7/10 for getting the clothes on the floor in the machine because I touched the towel with my toe,

 5/5 for putting the detergent/ vinegar into the machine with no problem,

4/5 for wiping, because I messed that up a bit and

 0/5 for wiping my foot. (which was no problem before, but is now suddenly a major impediment to  

            my progress).

I get 7/10 because I didn’t shower, but I did change my pants.  I didn’t change my shirt and I realllllly

                reallllly wanted to by then. 

So my grand total for the project is: 33/45 which works out to:  73%  which is better than my university average, so I still did ok.  Maybe next time I can get 80%!   When I started I got  25%.  I had to take a shower!  That makes me feel a LOT better that 1/1 or 0/1 does.  Maybe I’ll even feel clean enuf to go to the library soon…if I give myself 5 bonus marks for going will that help me decide?  Lol.

AAAARG!!!!! Here I Am Waiting For Dread To Leave

I just finished the laundry, well 15 min. ago and have been 'entertaining' DREAD since then.  So while I wait for him to get tired and go away, I'll post my thot sheet and action plan and results.
   I post my thot records because they are actual REAL thot records, not from an example in a workbook which always seemed to me to be so uncomplicated and simple.  And the results were so perfect.  So here i post my real battles.

First of all Bruce dumped a pile of laundry from Tom’s room onto the floor, so now the floor is dirty to begin with.  Does taking off my socks when done still meet the idea?  I know it meets the letter of the law, as it would NOT be a shower, but do I want to start changing clothes as a habit? 

Action Plan

1. take laundry off KD’s floor downstairs and sort into basket (lites) or washer. 
2. I already put a bathroom cleaning rag and some towels and stuff from the bathroom into the machine.
3. put detergent, vinegar and baking soda into machine.
4. take stuff from basket and put into machine.  Do not touch basket ??
5. clean off machines with vinegar and rag.
6. wipe floor clean.
7. take off sox??
8. wash hands
9. put on clean sox.
10. sit and feel the dread while typing success story.
11. finish reading my book when dread stops bugging me.

thought record  

 situation:  do laundry and only wash hands (up to elbows if needed)-and only for 1 min. or less, (not for an entire shower time frame J ) and change sox.

Mood:  80% thinking I can do the laundry ok. 

           : 120% thinking I can touch computer, library book afterwards with only washing hands for 1 min. or less. 

 Hot thought:

1.     the laundry in the basket is dirty.

2.     The basket itself is dirtier because it’s had ocd clothes in it before and I haven’t cleaned the baskets in a while- since the summer when sand was in the bottom of the baskets after camping.  

3.     Only a very long time under water and soap will get my hands ‘clean’

Anti- hot thots:

1. Soap cleans doctor’s hands from bad germs so will also clean my hands even if I’m not washing them for 10 min or more.
2. I didn’t work at an atomic bomb factory or anywhere else toxic dirt hides, so it’s only going to be ‘normal’ dirt on my clothes.
3. my house is NOT a hiding place for toxic dirt; not even mold is toxic, it’s just bad for respiration and will not remain after a handwash.
4. other people do laundry and leave the laundry room/ Laundromat without taking a shower first.  If they haven’t died and have touched stuff afterwards so can i.
5. I USED to put laundry soap, clothes in a washer, turn it on, wash my hands and leave the laundry room.  I’ve probably even carried dirty laundry from `1 place to another without thinking about it (gasp).

Now it’s time to get Bruce to watch me while I do this before I lose my nerves again.

(That way i have 'witness' in case i'm drawing a blank on whether i did something wrong or not. Ie: if i thot a piece of clothing touched me he could say 'no it didn't.  Laundry touched the wall and stair rail on the way downstairs and he told me it was alright.  I was able to listen to him and keep going.  I only need to have him watch me for the first time or 2 until i feel comfortable and my inner OCD isn't screaming 'what if' lies at me. )

Well, I’m back, a bit shaky and very stressed.  It’s pouring off me like heat.  That was the longest load of laundry in a long while.  I didn’t touch the basket.  I got the clothes in with no problem.  The problem started when I was taking off my sox.  I put my foot  back in the ‘unclean’ area instead of taking a step forward.  So I wiped my foot off with the same paper towel I did the floor with.  Then I thought that was stupid.  Bruce turned on the water for me and I washed my hands, arms to elbow and the soap handle.  I think it was over a min. cause I forgot I was timing it until I was already started.   Then I had to put sox back on.  But first I had to wash my foot.  I guess Bruce was feeling sorry for me by this time because he got the Kleenex and did it for me.  I got the ‘easy’ sock on but couldn’t get the other one on without touching my foot. By now foot AND pantleg have ocd, no matter what I did.  I rewashed my hands, got a towel to dry them with and took the towel right to the basement and threw it on a clothes pile.  Now I think the whole area around the towel is also dirty because air would have been blown around by the towel falling and got dirt from the clothes to fly all over the place.  And I have to walk past that to get to my clean laundry in a while.

So now here I am exuding heat and dread and feeling dumb that I can’t get this ‘right’.  Soon I will have to start touching other items with my clean hands and dirty brain. I already touched the tv remote for KD but that’s mine, not the library’s.  don’t want to get my library books contaminated.  Now I’m feeling that all my clothes are also contaminated too.  Never mind that NOTHING touched them.  They were around the air of the dirty laundry.  That’s enuf.  So much for feeling wonderful that things were going so well today.  I could put the Christmas decorations away, toys away and noticed (again) how simple and non-energy consuming that task really was.  I can do so  much more in the same amount of time cause I don’t have to fight myself all the time and then take a break because I’m tired of fighting. 

I’m still saying no to reading my library book.  But I WANT  to read it.  soon. i. hope. Don't want to contaminate it, tho.   Lets play on the internet for awhile till DREAD leaves my brain and I can go back to being me.  I hope that’s what happens. :/  6:30.  it’s been 15 min. already.

6:45 and i've finished transfering my ERP from my journal to here.  Now it's dinner.  OCD DREAD is a lot lower but still not ready to read library books yet.  I can eat dinner tho. (because i don't care if i poison myself.  And i'm pretty sure it's all ok, says rational brain, when it gets a word in edgewise.

 Yesterday I washed the floor all by myself.  I swept it first and then filled out a thought sheet while I was ‘resting’ from that stress.  It turns out that I have more anger that I may do it ‘wrong’ly than I do anxiety- or that could be what the anxiety is.  So after it died down a bit, I got the pail and mop, followed my  written instructions and only made a few errors.  I touched the tablecloth area I sometimes back into when I’m getting the garbage bags down for garbage day, so I felt that that would contaminate the mop.  I just washed up in the sink (no shower J).  Then continued mopping. I then touched the bottom of the mop where the rags start while wringing it out, but instead of washing again (it happened almost right when I got back), I just finished off using only one hand.  While I was doing that my anxiety went down because I had already decided  on my thot record that if my foot got touched by the wet mop, it’d be ok because it was just vinegar water and maybe some dirt/dust from the floor.  No toxic dirt. So how would it be different for my hand?  Not enuf to make me actually touch the mop with it again, but enuf to get the anxiety down and put it into the thought record as ‘ok’ if it happens next time.  I took the stuff downstairs, emptied the pail, put the mop back in it and turned off the lights (with my shirt), went upstairs to wash my hands and my left arm to my elbow.  That took a little longer than a ‘normal’ wash, but not nearly as long as a shower.  Oh yah, the mop top touched my shirt ( I think) and I didn’t change it.  

 I still think it’s ridiculous to be proud of doing something I could do at 10 yrs old, but I am.

Monday  we did our Christmas shopping for Katrina.  I also wanted to do my usual desensitation at a used clothing store (the usual one, not a different one.)  On our way there Bruce asked if I wanted to go to the dollar store first.  I said no.  and then said well, I HAVE a preference, but that doesn’t matter. I don’t give in to all my preferences, esp.  He was ready to do it- without me even directly asking for it.  We talked about that later.  I said that confuses me when he is willing to do the ‘ocd thing’ even when I don’t ask/ insist because to me, that means that he sees there IS a reason to do it ocd’s way.   Did the rest of our shopping etc. with no problems from ocd for going there first.  It is  sooo nice when my brain stays quiet!