Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Killed My Foot

This doesn't have anything to do with OCD, but does, in a way.  Friday, while driving into a parking spot, i put my foot on the gas instead of the brake, noticed my mistake, put my foot on the brake AND pushed down hard, hoping to make the car stop before it hit the concrete barrier.  It didn't work and now my foot is busted.  So much that they couldn't operate because there wasn't anything to pin the stuff to.  So here i sit, on my couch with my leg in a boot, raised up.  Not a good thing for being able to wash my hands often!

I had to let bruce put the garbage out yesterday and will have to let someone do the laundry without me being able to supervise them to make sure it's all done 'correctly' AKA ocd"s way.  Sure puts ocd into it's spot!  I have a walker to get around with.  I never knew how hard a walker is on the palm of your hands.  They hurt while i'm walking as badly as my foot does.  Ocd got worse in the hospital.  I didn't like watching the cleaning lady do her stuff, or people coming in and closing the washroom door i'd specifically left open so i wouldn't have to touch the handle.

I went to my doctor;s on Fri. before the accident, and my ocd meds are slowly increasing.  Hopefully all the ocd thots i had at the hospital will mysteriously disappear over the next few weeks as my meds go up.  Haven't got hold of the mental health clinic to see about seeing a therapist. Was kinda out of touch fri. afternoon and all weekend.

I'm doing fine; mostly it doesn't hurt too much.  I'm home from the hospital.  I don't have to shovel snow, do dishes etc.  so this does have a few pluses to it.  I also finished my christmas shopping.  I just have to wrap it all up.  Trouble is, its upstairs and i can't get there.

Before you feel all sorry for me, i have never had a broken leg or arm before so this is all interesting and new.  I'm not in too much pain and haven't reached the boredom stage yet so my holidays aren t ruined.  This is all a fun experience.  Not one i plan on rehaving, so i am going to milk it for all it's worth!

Thursday, December 18, 2014

I Get Knocked Down... Can I Get Up Again?

Dec. 18 2014

Yesterday afternoon was really bad. 
First of all I was feeling contaminated about the mouse thing and about picking up my dogs’ messes.  So much so that instead of going to my fitness test for the healthy living program I took a shower instead.  By the time I got to the ymca with my daughter I was rather late for that.  I mentioned that I had ocd stuff going on, and heather asked if I wanted to go back to therapy for a booster.  I told her that first I had to talk to the nurse.  And I did.  And she made some comment about how mouse pee has some problems with it and if it were her she’d wash all the clothes in her closet- including ties.  And wipe off all the belts.   That maybe the mice had been gnawing at my clothes.  I tried to explain that NONE OF THE clothes had been just laying on the floor in the mouse poop (or pee) that they had just fallen onto a shoe rack and maybe a sleeve or tie had just brushed the floor/ mouse crud.  Nope, she was adamant that I wash everything.  Needless to say, while I was expecting the work of an ERP of touching the clothes, wearing the clothes etc.  I hadn’t expected that I would be taking everything to the washer or garbage can.  What do I do with my husband’s suit?  If I take it to the dry cleaner, I and the dry cleaner would automatically be contaminated, so what would be the point?   So I should just throw it out?

I walked my mile (27 times around the track) with my head just spinning.  Afterwards I looked even worse than before.  Good thing tho, my blood pressure does NOT go up to reflect my stress levels.  Snicker.

Fast forward.   Now I’m at my daughter’s therapist.  I didn’t have time to shower before going there and I forgot a pair of clean long pants (actually I decided not to put on my shorts because I ha d planned to bring another pair of pants which I also forgot).  So now I felt yucky outside as well as inside. 

At Eric’s office I just pulled my chair as far away as possible and basically stared at the ceiling.  I guess he noticed because he sent Katrina out and asked what was wrong.    He listened and then stated that I shouldn’t have left therapy.  I asked what the problem was- I was soooo confused and thot that knowing whether to wash the clothes would solve the problems.  He told me to tell heather what I told him and she’d know what to do, or something like that.  So I left just as confused as before and absolutely embarrassed that I fell apart in front of him.

So I spent some time thinking instead of going to toastmasters last night.  Here is what I came up with:

I have a problem with my peanut butter theory.  And my molecule theory.

Peanut butter theory goes like this:  Bruce put on his tie.  Tie touched mouse dirt so now it’s stuck to tie.  Tie touches shirt and now shirt is contaminated.  Hands that touch tie or shirt are now ‘sticky’ with contamination and when they touch a dog’s leash, now that is contaminated.  When I touch the dog’s leash I am now contaminated.  Days later this is still true, unless I wash the dog’s leash.  It’s as if peanut butter was smeared from item to item getting everything contaminated in it’s path, even if I can’t see it.   Sometimes I can say shut up to that, but other times it’s just faster  & easier to wash and get it over with.  So I think  I’ve been doing that over the past few months.  I have noticed that my hands are more rough than usual.  But couldn’t really see why.

Molecule theory:  learned this in high school and useful for scrupulosity ocd, but also works for contamination ocd.  This one goes like this:  All objects are made up of invisible molecules floating around.  The closer they are together, the denser the object.  Hence a table has very close molecules (but they are still floating around) while liquid’s molecules are farther apart.  That’s the science.  The scary part is that I then concluded that molecules of banned substances like coffee or alcohol are floating around and may be separated from the actual liquid.  In real life this means:  an alcohol bottle box may have residual alcohol molecules inside and if I pack cups in them and don’t wash the cups afterwards, I would be inadvertently taking in alcohol, albeit a small amount.  Or a dried up coffee stain on a table would still have molecules floating around that could attach themselves to my hand and if I then touched my mouth I’d be ‘drinking’ coffee even though I hadn’t intended to.

Ok,  you can stop snickering now.  These were developed as a high school / college student.  While living at home I didn’t have to worry about any of this because my parents didn’t have any of that contraband in the house.  Fast forward to university:  Living with a stranger off campus.  She smoked (and probably drank coffee) .  One day she dried my dishes while I wasn’t home.  I had to rewash them (secretly) because she probably contaminated them.  Only I didn’t have the words or the understand ing of what was going on.  I just knew life was a lot tougher as a Mormon on my own.  I was responsible for all the accidental sins I committed, never mind any real ones.

When I was 41 and left the Mormon church my fears about coffee and alcohol disappeared. They were not sins and I wasn’t going to hell for drinking them.  (Don’t worry, all you non-Mormons.  You didn’t belong to my church, so these rules don’t apply to you.  You can still go to heaven.  I was just not so lucky.  I would have to be very careful all my adult life out in public.  Something I never imagined as a teenager.
But my theories didn’t disappear.  They are now morphing over to the mouse issue, I think, I hope.  Cause I’d much rather do ERP than clean out my whole closet   with all the contamination that would entail.

So it’s time to call the mental health clinic and my doctor.  Maybe I just need to readjust my meds till I work this out. 

PS.  My adult son says i should just impliment a 'salt theory'  for the peanut butter one. lol.
PPS.  In Mormonism you cannot drink alcohol, tea or coffee or smoke cigarettes or do illegal drugs.  I didn't want to explain that above because then i'd lose my train of thought.

Thanks for listening.  Sorry for any unclearness.  I’ll do a reread when I’m not so emotionally attached.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Exam... I Didn't Finish The Whole Thing Yet.

Remember how we had mice awhile ago and i cleaned everything up.  Well, unfortunately there was a part i didn't write about, because what i did write was so horrid to relive thru.  And then i forgot about it- to write it, not in real life.

When i was moving clothes from our closet to the upstairs closet of our new bedroom (old playroom) I wasn't being too careful.  We had cleaned out the kitchen and living room from the mice, but hadn't seen any evidence in the bedroom.  I dropped some of the clothes onto the shoe rack that was at the right side of the closet.  I picked them up and put them upstairs.  No problem, right?  Wrong.

A day or so later i moved the shoe rack and found a couple - or maybe just 1- piece of evidence.  So i cleaned the shoe rack and the floor but wasn't sure what to do about the dropped laundry that i'd had put in the closet, esp. since i had added more clothes afterwards, not knowing there was a problem.

Solution for me:  don't use that side of the closet.  Just leave it all alone until the EWW feeling goes away.  Which, as i found out, it didn't.  Bruce wanted some ties for a funeral but i asked him not to take stuff from there, as they were still on my OCD list.  Thankfully he didn't.

Last Sunday was the work Chr. party for  the kids.  Bruce wanted to wear a tie, and thinking i was sort of ok with the closet i said, ok.  Bad choice on my part.  Because it was NOT ok,  I didn't want to touch him for the rest of the day, when he touched the dog leashes to take the dogs out I classified THEM as contaminated too and so now every time i take the dogs out i either have to wash my hands or feel like i'm 'sort-of'' contaminating everything else.  The door handle has been contaminated, which i find sort of ok- ERP ishly but i can't touch a library book without washing to make sure i am completely clean.  Because the leashes touched my pants, they are also sort-of contaminated.

Sort of contaminated means i still wear the pants but put a house robe over top of them so they don't contaminate my computer or library books, and i feel sort of icky/ unsure if i should be noticing and labeling everything i touch after touching my pants as contaminated.  Lots of head space is being used up feeling completely confused about whether this is necessary or not.

Bruce had already told me that since this metal shoe rack was against the wall and because there were no mice droppings at the front or open side, that no clothes would have gotten dirty.  The slots between the bars were small enough that nothing (EXCEPT MAYBE TIES???  or belts??}  could have fallen thru, so not to worry about them.  So technically it should be ok to touch stuff.

Since Bruce was wandering around the house both before and after the party with the tie/ same shirt that the tie was on, that everything must be fine, even tho i marked a few certain things as contaminated.  I didn't go around the house vaccuuming after every step he took.

So some things i ignore- like the door i touched after touching the dog leashes and some things I wash after touching or before touching to keep contamination at bay.  So confused in my head.

Monday was a really foggy day in my head.  Slept lots, just wasn't very productive.
Sometime between Monday night and Tuesday morning i made a decision that cleared the fog out of my brain, but didn't stop the excessive hand washing, altho in a haphazard fashion.  I decided to ask the nurse at today's exercise class if SHE would just wear those clothes in the closet or if she'd wash them all first- just in case one touched a mouse dropping back in October.

Yes, i actually haven't worn clothes hanging in my closet since that date.  Fortunately many items that usually hang in the closet must have been in the laundry so they were just put away in other drawers until i figured out what to do with this.

I will follow what the nurse says- she's a trained professional.  If she says wash, i will either wash or pitch stuff.  If she says wear, i will either do that or do erps to become comfortable with this decision.

I felt better after making this decision.  Only today, in a few hours i will be getting my answer.  Will I accept it, or look around for more advice- an ocd ritual?  I'm getting nervous.

OH, BTW, i am doing ERPs with my daughter every night.  Under the guidence of a therapist.  They are not so fun either.

OCD CAN REALLY SUCK BIG TIME   but i will get thru this....

Again, sorry if this is a bit unclear.  I really don't want to relive this again by rereading it right now.