tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29105277967805606062024-03-13T16:50:06.522-04:00My Journey Thru (& hopefully out of) OCDHow Obsessive Compulsive Disorder affects my life and world. Posts about how i struggle with ridding my life from the damaging effects of OCD.Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.comBlogger95125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-54090065020354700262019-02-20T17:08:00.003-05:002019-02-20T17:10:49.780-05:00Pure: A book on kindle about a woman with Pure OCD<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I just got this in my bookbub email. <br />
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<b><i>Rose Cartwright has OCD, but not as you know it. Pure is the true story of her ten-year struggle with ‘Pure O’, a little-known form of the condition, which causes her to experience intrusive sexual thoughts of shocking intensity. It is a brave and frequently hilarious account of a woman who refused to give up, despite being undermined at every turn by her obsessions and enduring years of misdiagnosis and failed therapies.</i></b></div>
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<b><i>Eventually, the love of family and friends, and Rose’s own courage and sense of humour prevailed, inspiring this deeply felt and beautifully written memoir. At its core is a lesson for all of us: when it comes to being happy with who we are, there are no neat conclusions.</i></b></div>
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I haven't read it yet, but i am so excited to. I've never read a book about Pure O, and that's what i had after my first baby was born way back in 1990. I had no idea why i had such awful thots running thru my head- mostly they were just mini-thoughts. It would start to come, i would guilt it away and mostly spent time just feeling guilty.</div>
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In my late teens, early 20s i also started having 'inappropriate thoughts' as my church called them, about what the adults were doing, you know, when not at church. Not like scenarios in my head, just little oh, yah. snicker. And then i'd see someone's hand over the back of the pew, but in front of me, and i'd think to myself that he could almost touch me, oops bad thot, exit thot, enter guilt. Total time to muck up my self: 06 seconds. And the less you want to think it, the more it 'pops' into my head. </div>
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Of course, i'd never tell anyone this. (But you can guess how much sexual info i had besides 'don't do anything until you're married'.) I didn't need or want regular meetings with the minister about my randy thots. Thot they'd go away when i was married. Nope. Finally quit wearing skirts/ dresses unless i was at a really important event. Which caused a stir in my very traditional, very fundamental church. But i was in my 30s by then and didn't care what anyone else thought anymore.</div>
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Anyway it's on sale cheap for anyone who is interested in reading about pure o and what it can do to you.</div>
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<b>In other news:</b></div>
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I'm still taking my pills. I've noticed that when i cut down, i seem to get more ocd moments. Yesterday was garbage and recycle day. I had to dig the containers out of the snow and then hike up my pants 'cause they were starting to slide. So after i got it all done, i had to put all those clothes into the washer and shower to feel properly clean again. Often this rash behavior can be avoided by a little thought record thinking, but i was already stressed cause i'd fallen on the ice and was scared i'd fall again and just be in more pain. I've brushed my pantlegs against a garbage can or recycle bin before. All it took was a handwash and i'd be ok. i think. I never gave extra thinking a chance. Embarassed by my pants falling and worry that i'd slip on the ice again equals no time to think about whether or not i'm 'contaminated.' </div>
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Touching the handles, lids, parts that the garbage/recycle men touch always triggers my ocd. Usu. just a handwash suffices as i generally don't touch anything else. Also i was digging the stuff out of the snow, so lots of touching, pulling, snow from on the bins getting everywhere ( maybe on me????!!) Not my best performance.</div>
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Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-19659201516289078542018-02-01T14:56:00.000-05:002018-02-01T14:56:05.019-05:00I Hate Anxiety<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I hate anxiety! Tomorrow we are taking the brownies (Girl scouts, for Americans) cross-country skiing for the afternoon. But since it's a pd day and parents are working, we made it a free all-day thing. It should be really fun, but instead of looking forward to it (i am, really) i just have a 'bad feeling'. Nothing tangeable, just 'what if' the activities don't go as planned, what if our activities only take up half the time we have planned for them.... bla bla bla. Gotta go out now and buy sprayers for the group so they can make snow art tomorrow. I used a ketchup bottle to try it out and it was fun. May only take 15 minutes or less for the activity but the girls will have a blast!</div>
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Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-82995786736120238822017-10-11T13:54:00.003-04:002017-10-11T13:56:59.522-04:00Podcast by Natasha Daniels- How to Help Kids With OCD When They Don't Want Help In this podcast she also talks about the nocd app<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Following is a link for a podcast by Natasha Daniels for parents with kids who have ocd. But she also talks and recommends the nOCD app i mentioned yesterday. An app that helps you thru your ocd triggers.<br />
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https://www.facebook.com/treatmyocd/videos/1013404618802318/?hc_ref=ARQIjHom_6ZaY6kRLqmpFQUgX-6lvYuH3A7eUM1kudboaXzxuxBQCOck_Ud6quidJBE<br />
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Also there are a lot of her videos and podcasts on her website<br />
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https://www.anxioustoddlers.com/category/ocd/<br />
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I know that most of my blog entries have been about my struggles as an adult with ocd. But my daughter also has ocd. And maybe some of you also have kids with ocd, or who might have ocd, as ocd runs in families. </div>
Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-79773395983214586502017-10-11T00:00:00.000-04:002017-10-11T00:00:04.375-04:00Facebook page with lots of OCD info, podcasts etc.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
This is a facebook page that has lots of information, links etc. about ocd. There is even an app you can get (for a fee, i think) that will be there for you like a therapist when you have an ocd trigger moment that will guide you thru the anxiety. I'm not getting any reimbursement or other money for putting this page link on my blog. I have not tried the nOCD app myself as i am mostly done with ocd triggers. <br />
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The link:<br />
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https://www.facebook.com/treatmyocd/?hc_ref=ARSrqLOAfL7UpxkXSnKbW_DEs1VhWXjnM-8pvnzX_-DZPv2Hg9nyEziSTJnD8SEwB5A&fref=nf</div>
Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-80690519251042275362016-11-08T23:18:00.003-05:002016-11-08T23:18:49.435-05:00Help Out the Researchers of OCD<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Please help ongoing research into OCD by filling out this survey if you can. Researchers will get farther, faster if we -those of us who have ocd- help increase the knowledge of the symptoms and effects of ocd and what does and doesn't work to eradicate it.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: , "segoe ui" , "segoe wp" , "tahoma" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">Jenna Feldman, M.A.<br />Doctoral Candidate, Clinical Psychology<br />Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology<br />Yeshiva University</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: , "segoe ui" , "segoe wp" , "tahoma" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">----</span><b style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: wf_segoe-ui_normal, "Segoe UI", "Segoe WP", Tahoma, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">Online Survey about Childhood Experiences and OCD</b><br />
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<span class="x_gmail-m_-7466239122709304970gmail-m_-5015134093321831773gmail-null" id="x_gmail-m_-7466239122709304970gmail-m_-5015134093321831773gmail-yui_3_15_0_1_1474211904562_2453">Please help us with a research survey about OCD treatment and enter a raffle for a $50 giftcard!</span></div>
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If you are an adult (age >18) and suffer from the symptoms of OCD you are invited to complete an online survey about your symptoms as well as certain childhood experiences that some people have. This study is being conducted by the Ferkauf<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="x_m_-7466239122709304970_m_-5015134093321831773_m_-1280871003928011238_m_-1273583919307854545_m_4297899910204764950_m_-8199682419021361716__GoBack" target="_blank"></a> Graduate School of Psychology at Yeshiva University. If you consent to participate in this study you will complete a series of anonymous questionnaires that ask you questions about your childhood experiences and emotions. The survey should take approximately 45 minutes to complete. If you elect to participate you will have the option to be entered into a raffle for one of four $50 gift cards. To learn more about the study please follow the link below:</div>
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<a href="https://yeshiva.co1.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_bJHeDO4h3NzZzyR" target="_blank">https://yeshiva.co1.qualtrics.<wbr></wbr>com/SE/?SID=SV_bJHeDO4h3NzZzyR</a></div>
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Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-64749327536305054102016-09-02T20:31:00.000-04:002016-09-02T20:31:36.632-04:00A Rat's Life<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Hi!! I've been watching youtube videos of pet rats and what they need to have an awesome life. <div>
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Have I gone completely nuts? Sometimes i think i may have. </div>
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My daughter has been wanting a small pet for herself. She really wants cats, but my husband is allergic. So no cat. Ever. My thots on the whole idea: Cats pee in litter boxes and then step in their pee next time they have to go and then walk around the house. So i wasn't too sad that we can't have a cat. I like petting others' cats and holding them no problem, but i'm not crazy about having to clean out a litter box.<div>
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Then Katrina suggested hamsters. Little Rodents. Vermin, if you as me. One of her school friends had one for awhile. She seems to think she will love having and holding one of these furry rat- wannabees. </div>
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She's spent awhile talking about this hamster she needs and finally i told her we could go to the pet store to PRICE what it would cost to buy and outfit one of these critters. ( We could just catch a mouse the next time it comes into the house and give it a home in a cardboard box- all for free, but no, she wants one from a store.)</div>
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You've all heard about my total dislike of mice and cleaning up after them more than once on this site. So what am i thinking???? </div>
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After we saw some stuff at a major chain store, we went to this other store, not quite so bright and shiny to see what they had. The lady there, when she heard our interest in hamsters/ gerbils asked us if she could interest us in a rat. She showed us the rats and told us they were more social than hamsters, less skittish and you could train them too. Right. They Poop, don't they?!! And pee. I don't want my house smelling of rat pee; neither do i want to find one under my foot some night. Actually what i really don't want is to be walking in my living room and noticing rat poop on the floor.</div>
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The lady had all the answers for my questions. She said her husband feels the same way..She has or had rats that play with her preschoolers play with on the coffee table. (Remind me never to put food on HER coffee table.) Their poop is dry, hard and easy to pick up. It's not 'dirty' as the rat is healthy and only in her house. She knows where it's been. For pee, you just have a towel around or put the item (ie a shirt) in the wash. Like baby messes. You spot clean the cage every day or so and clean it out each week. REal deep cleaning of all the toys, containers, warm fuzzy cloths etc. once a month or so. It can be done with just plain vinegar. </div>
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One video person puts all her plastic stuff in the dishwasher each month.. I'm assuming it's the regular dishwasher, not a special one just for animal stuff. (not so sure of that idea- i'm leaning towards a bath tub instead, or maybe just wiping with vinegar ). Today one of the workers at the cozy pet store, let us pet one/ hold it. OK i pet it. Twice. Just little times. Then it had a runny poop, which the guy said was stress poop. That might happen the first day we bring it home. HOW COME NO ONE ELSE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS?? I was just getting used to having to pick up some dry stuff off some chair and not having to disinfect the spot where it was laying, like i do when it's mice poop..Now i have to deal with runny poop, that the rat can step into or put its tail thru. Ug.</div>
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The lady we saw yesterday said she lives in the country also and gets/ got mice and hates that. But rat stuff is ok with her. She says I don't have to walk around the house after my daughter disinfecting wherever she let that rat out. OF course, if it's on a table where i'd later put food (ie my coffee table) she will be expected to do a wipe. Which will deter her, hopefully, from wanting to play with it there. I want to clean only enough to not be dirty. Not ocd clean. </div>
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The rest of it seems ok. They don't eat much, they can be taught to do tricks- even to be litter box trained!!! Definately the first trick Katrina will have to teach them.</div>
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They actually have cute little faces, and dumbo looking ears. Am i being convinced? Or is this just shopping therapy? You know, i get to go shopping for lots of stuff, and get the shopper's high. Will i come 'down' in a week and wonder what the **** i was thinking.</div>
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Or is this just a way for me to 'prove' to myself- and everybody else (like anyone actually cares) that i have licked this ocd thing? Or just so i can get the reaction of other people when i tell them we have rats? Can't wait to tell my daughter's therapist. He's the one i broke down to when we got mice last year and couldn't take it. Now i'm saying we want to house the critters. </div>
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Now here's the mom in me that wants to Use this in some way- In order to get the rats, Kat will need to do ........... x for her therapy. I just can't think what, except that she will have to feed the fruit and veggies to the rats herself . (Katrina has a very bad ocd phobia against fruit and veggies)</div>
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We took dad to visit the rats tonight cause he's less eager than i am to get new housemates. My female 'got to shop' thing is overriding my eww feeling.</div>
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Who would have guessed!!</div>
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Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-44660255676978920312015-04-27T20:06:00.000-04:002015-04-27T20:06:43.562-04:00Garbage cans- Revisited. Karin Does Something Really Strange.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I did a job interview at a theatre because I wasn't told it was a telemarketing job. I was told it would involve computers and phoning. By the time I found out what it was really about, I figured I'd do the interview, and since the job was only for a few weeks I would handle it. I was really hoping they wouldn't call back and I wouldn't look like I was being really picky at the March of Dimes. <br />
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When I first got married I was thrilled that now my husband could make all the phone calls in the family and he seemed ok with that. When I was a student at university and my roommate was moving out, I was supposed to call the phone company to re-register the phone in my name. I didn't do it. I waited and when the phone was cut off, I bused my little self to the Bell phone centre to do it in person. - For a higher fee. That's how much I hated using the phone to call strangers. Then when our son was 4 and I got increasingly depressed, I went to see a counselor. One of the things we worked on was me being able to make my own phone calls. Which, btw, I can now do. This came in handy after the germ-OCD hit and I didn't want to meet anyone, use door handles and the like. So this is not an innate talent I've got. I will see how this goes. For all I know, I'll be really good at it and have a ball. One can hope, can't one?? <br />
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Now, on to the Garbage. This is the 'last' ocd thing, I think, that I have to get rid of. Back in earlier blogs I explained how I did the garbage and how I improved (link: http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2011/06/attack-of-killer-garbage-can.html and: http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2014/05/garbage-cans-revisited.html). But I was still showering and using 'garbage' clothes. So Cory told me to not shower afterwards (it's been a whole week, now. I wonder when i'll get to use the shower again! Snicker.) Bad joke.<br />
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I could just wash my hands. And no changing clothes. OK. And to touch the garbage cans daily (the ones in the house, but I did one better than that).<br />
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Monday night is garbage night at our house. In the winter I'd change into shorts & tee shirt and socks, while in summer I'd put on a long sleeved sweat shirt and long pants. This was so I could put these clothes onto a special shelf each week and only wash them when the pile got big. Since I didn't need the out-of-season clothes, they could sit for awhile on the shelf . Then I'd take out the recycle and garbage, wipe down the kitchen garbage can and the floor in the basement. <br />
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Last Monday i did not put on special clothes. I took out the garbage and washed my hands. Then it hit like a ton of bricks. Sure, my hands were clean, but the recycle bin touched my pants and if i sat on the couch i would be contaminating it- maybe. Did i really want to take this chance??? I stood in the kitchen for a half hour or more not touching anything, just working this thru my head. It was not a fun time. Basically catatonic. Finally, the dread started to leave and i could entertain the idea that I wasn't contaminating anything by sitting down at my computer. So I did. But I could not write about it that night because it was still too raw. I didn't want to relive that half hour.<br />
<br />
EVery day afterwards, I went outside and purposely touched a garbage can (not with my hands, just brushed it with my clothes) and didn't wash it off or change clothes. After a few days it stopped bothering me a lot. (A chocolate covered ice cream bar after I did it, didn't hurt either.) <br />
<br />
It went much smoother tonight. And no catatonic freak-out afterwards. I know I used to complain that when I did an ERP nothing much happened- never again. Last Monday's response is not one I want to have again. That was hard. It actually worked tho. Surprise, surprise. </div>
Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-53872889378116552032015-04-14T15:33:00.002-04:002015-04-14T15:33:33.402-04:00A Closet Full of Clothes -Free. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Just for the taking. Ooops, I mean touching. That I did, but as you can guess, I waited til the day before my appointment with Cory to do it. Nothing like waiting til the last minute. And then to find out that touching it didn't give me any 'who-hoo' feelings at all. Such a let-down. And the come the 'see, you could have done this MONTHS ago' voice in my head. Which voice is NOT very. helpful at all. I wore one of the blouses to my therapist's office. After all, if i'm contaminating my universe, then HERS should get done too.<br />
<br />
And that was the topic of the day: I shouldn't be using contamination language to describe my life. I need to say: i am wearing a blouse from my closet. No adjective needed. I am NOT contaminating anything. After years of using this contaminated/ not contaminated talk to myself I need to stop that idea. <br />
<br />
My computer fell ill and had to go to the computer hospital and didn't come home for almost 2 weeks and that was very hard on me, not to mention that now I have to remember back weeks. <br />
<br />
One Saturday afternoon I decided it would be kind to help someone else move their stuff and so I volunteered myself, my husband (with his permission) and child to go to their house before OCD could have a think about it. We were there all afternoon and I touched black garbage bags, and basically lots of stuff that wasn't mine, or 'cleaned'. I told OCD to go on vacation - this was happening and it didn't need to bother me with the 'what-ifs' or 'ewww- yucks'. I did compromise by not pulling stuff of high closet shelves that I couldn't see onto. I wondered if i was going to need to have a bath or at least get everyone to change out of their clothes into something 'cleaner'. Amazingly enough, I didn't have a problem that evening. Nor the days later, which is when OCD sometimes gets its way because it uses the contamination language and I give in.<br />
<br />
I don't think there are any contaminated spots left in my house. I even told Bruce that if he wanted to just take the garbage out and not shower afterwards, that would be OK with me, as long as he didn't tell me about it. He could just take out the garbage like he wanted to. I did make one small, teensy request and that was to was his hands after. So now he does the garbage and it's not under my supervision.<br />
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My daughter's ERPs are kind of hit and miss. Some days she is fine doing stuff with a bean nearby, other days she gets all riled up and runs out of the room. She also has this ritual of putting her shirt over her nose while the bean is in the room, to do ?? She says she doesn't know why her nose needs to be covered. It just does. One time i got her to uncover her nose for 3 min + for a make up brush and she agreeed to do it. The next ERP back up came the nose cover. So she can't seem to take the idea that it didn't hurt her yesterday to not cover her nose, it won't hurt her today, either. Or if a bean is 7' away and doesn't hurt me, 5' shouldn't be any trouble either. Target stores left Canada this month and when the store close to us had 80% of makeup stuff, i bought a lot for my daughter who loves to paint her face and she gets one for every ERP that she completes. AND she still gets to colour in a square for her to own her mermaid swim fin/ bathing suit she wanted. ( $200= 200 squares to colour in,= 200 ERPs). Unfortunately, these rewards do not keep her at at her ERP. When she freaks herself out, she usually leaves and doesn't come back to finish it. I try to be calm and patient about it but it's hard work. For a month or so, she was really good about completing an ERP, then all of a sudden she started running out of the room. Not for the therapist to see and deal with, just us poor parents at home who aren't really ERP specialists at all. Oh well.<br />
<br />
On a good note, I think spring may have really arrived for good. Keeping my fingers crossed! And my foot is doing fine. Not completely healed but I'm back at doing exercises again. <br />
<br />
Oh, I decided that I do not want to do before/ after school day care for kids. If I work at a day care, it will be with the babies/ toddlers. I also put in a resume for an office clerk's job. I like being with the kids at brownies. That's good enough for me. I will be doing a careers interest test at the March of Dimes to see where my interests lay instead.</div>
Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-3284633459302359632015-03-16T21:10:00.001-04:002015-03-16T21:10:24.241-04:00Mantra: The World is a Dirty Place And So Am I. Repeat. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
My daughter has decided that her half- broken computer is not good enough, so she needs to use mine. I don't get much time on my computer til after 10 pm, when i am tired and don't want to be explaining my life- not even to myself on this blog. So here goes the past few weeks:<br />
<br />
I left my last session with Cory 2 weeks ago with homework: do the laundry without washing hands afterwards, making sure i touch myself/ other stuff with the 'dirty' laundry. Which laundry isn't really dirty, but just used. I am also supposed to touch the clothes in my closet that i haven't used or touched since last Sept. or Oct. after the mouse incident. EWWW. As you have probably figured out, i haven't done that yet. I have 3 days to go.<br />
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I started by doing the laundry. I know that it isn't really dirty, just used, or smelly or you know, dirty. I put it in bags to carry downstairs as i still need a rail to hold onto thanks to my foot, so i can't just put it in my arms and walk down. So far so good. I put the stuff in the machine, do NOT clean the inside of the machine with vinegar or the outside of the washer, or dryer. I punch the right buttons & then put the detergent, vinegar & baking soda into the machine portholes and close it up. The detergent bottle is covered in blue gummy detergent all over the handle. Or since i haven't been doing laundry since mid-December, i can blame the messy bottle on my husband. So i decided that i could wash my hands after wards.<br />
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Because i have a big washing machine and a small family, i don't have to do laundry every day. So on some of those interim days, i brought laundry from the bins and just put it into the washer, making sure to contaminate the stair railing, my clothes and whatever else i could and then not wash my hands. Saturday I cleaned the washer out of whatever gunk (mostly dog hair) that gets stuck in the rubber liners and i cleaned the detergent bottle so i could touch it without actually having real goopy blue gunk on my hands as my plan wasn't to see how goopy i could make the house. <br />
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Today i did sleeping bags from Brownie Camp ( yes, OCD me went to Brownie camp where i had to supervise the girls in cleaning the bathrooms and other chores) and did not wash my hands afterwards. I did call Bruce to see if it was ok to not wash hands. My -before-ocd-memory of doing laundry was to wash my hands after setting up the next load, so this is a bit of a stretch for me. Bruce wasn't answering my call, so i just started doing stuff. Then i noticed that it had been some time since i had even thought of my dirty hands so had probably touched all sorts of stuff that i can\t remember doing and don't want to remember doing because then PART 2 happens. Part 2 is where a day or so later, i remember the activity and then backpedal and don't touch those items that i purposely dirtied. <br />
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Oh, and here's the really gross thing of the week. My car got stuck in the snow at the bottom of the driveway. I tried to shovel it out but nothing worked. It was recycle day and i knew that the recycle truck had already gone one way and would be coming back on my side of the road pretty soon. I REALLY wanted to get unstuck before he came. My prayers were not answered. The guy showed up and being kind, vollunteered to try to unstick the car. I had been working thru my mind how i would react to this and for whatever reason (moonspots, maybe), i seemed to be ok with him touching the front of my car/ the shovel to help me out. Sure enough the nice young man did just that. He even got his own shovel out to help but to no avail. Ended up that hubby called CAA guys to come and do it after he tried. I even used that shovel to help clean up the snow pile with my husband after the car was freed.<br />
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A couple of days later- or maybe just 1- it starts to snow, AGAIN. So i wonder if i should get out there and shovel BEFORE it gets turned into ice. NOW i start wondering about whether the snow shovel is dirty, and should i touch it etc. etc. What is this, me second guessing myself days later??? <br />
<br />
I wonder if this means i can now do the garbage without having to change clothes? or having a shower? Bruce is still doing the garbage, and i am still fine with that. In my book he has over 12 years to catch up on garbage detail since i've done it for that long, or longer.<br />
<br />
My daughter is also doing an erp every day. At girls camp she was able to sit with friends who were eating fruit and veggies and carry on a conversation with them! It still irritated her, but she managed her feelings and didn't give in. At home she still hates to go into the kitchen when i have bananas etc. sitting on the counter or even in the closet. <br />
<br />
So now it's thinking about the closet. <br />
<br />
Bonus point: today i got a call saying i have a job interview next week!!!!!!!!!!!! At a day care centre. Both so i can make some cash and also -just as importantly- i have discovered a real need inside of me to be with people more often. Introverted me is completely stunned by this and is not sure what to make of it. I do like playing with and reading to kids and teaching them songs. I love watching them explore and create art too.<br />
<br />
So my quiet days at home may be coming to an end.</div>
Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-64674461569337657412015-02-06T14:00:00.001-05:002015-02-06T14:00:39.256-05:00Part 4 of My Back Story: OCD Gets Very Expensive & Dangerous<div class="MsoNormal">
After Christmas was over I decided it was time for me to go
looking for some help again. This time I
went to the health unit but they didn’t do home visits in this city. I was given the addresses of 2 mental health
places, so I went and filled out applications at both places. One place called me back and I got an
appointment with a counsellor again. Her
name was Suzanne. The first session we
met I told her that I’d heard about this program where you touch things/ do
things you are afraid to do one at a time until you are cured. But I didn’t want her to do that to me. That sounded too scary. She agreed to not do that, that her focus was
CBT. Learning better thought
patterns. OK by me!<o:p></o:p></div>
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As the days got warmer again the neighbour kids came out to
play, along with their shed toys: wagons, cars etc. And they wanted Katrina to play with
them. So one day I went out and played
with them as I wasn’t going to let Katrina (at 3) go out alone.
Everything was fine (I hadn’t come up with the mouse story yet) until I
went inside and watched them put their toys away in the shed. Then I freaked out in my head. Now I AND Katrina were covered with mouse
germs. I changed her clothes and my
clothes and didn’t want to play with the neighbour kids again. But they kept coming over wanting to play so
I had to keep making up excuses for why we couldn’t come out.. And I had to keep cleaning the doorbell! One day one of the boys put away our garbage
can before he went to school and so now I was REALLY afraid of the school
gym. I even went over to his house with
a paper towel full of vinegar to wipe their door handle on the outside!!!
Fortunately for me they weren’t home at the time. <o:p></o:p></div>
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During that time I was feeling very anxious. My ‘safe’ spot was on the couch with my
laptop computer. That’s where I spent
most of my free time. I was also playing
with Katrina- using shapes to make pictures on a magnet board, reading stories
etc. She didn’t nap much except on the
couch beside me, if I was lucky. So on
days she was home I had no break to look forward to. While I didn’t believe in suicide, there were
many days I just wanted to die. It was
so hard and tiring trying to be a good parent while having ocd. I was
continually making Katrina wash her hands for some little infraction or worse
yet, changing her clothes.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We had bedroom clothes (pj’s) and downstairs clothes. We had a tv in our bedroom. When KD woke up she could come into our room,
sit in the cushy chair and watch tv. But
if she wanted to go downstairs I would have to get up and get her dressed.<o:p></o:p></div>
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No lounging around in pj’s because that would bring the
bedroom ‘germs’ downstairs and/ or bring the downstairs- daytime germs- into
the bedroom.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I remember times where I would finally be done the laundry
and had my shower and it would have taken so much time and energy that I was
crying. See, after I washed up and
brushed my teeth I could finally relax in bed and go to sleep. So I continually touched the sink or faucet
with my hands or arms and had to keep rewashing them. If I dropped the soap in the shower, I’d have
to wash the soap off. If I touched the
shower curtain or shower wall I’d have to rewash that body part. For some reason the more I tried NOT to touch
walls, sinks and the bathtub side, the more I’d end up doing it. Leaning against the wall or doorpost was also
a no-no. So was using the stair
rail. All these things were potentially
contaminating and I just couldn’t risk touching them without needing to wash
afterwards. Neither could my
toddler. She had to learn to go
downstairs without holding on to the rail.
Not that safe but she managed.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Then we moved to another house. Again, I had to pack. Some things I had managed to keep clean (the
book shelf) and I could just pack the books.
Other things like the toys, dishes etc. all had to be washed and then
packed. The house sold quickly and we
had 2 weeks between our new house closing and the time we had to be out of the
old house. Packing and cleaning with
Katrina and my ocd took a long time. So
long, that on the day we were supposed to be out I was still packing up and
cleaning. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The new house needed a paint job so Tom and Bruce were there
painting while I was packing and watching Katrina. One day I went over there to clean the kitchen. The house looked so tidy when we’d done our
walk-thrus that I was just expecting to do some cursory wiping. Then I noticed the mouse droppings! They had hidden them and the killing product
behind dish washing liquid and in drawers.
I was so shocked and full of anxiety at that unexpected turn of events
(they had cats!! And don’t people clean out mice droppings in their utensil
drawers???) I took the drawers, put them
into garbage bags and threw them out the front door onto the lawn. The kitchen is a galley one and the other
half didn’t have mice droppings in it but now it was too late. I needed a new
kitchen. The painting was going well,
tho. A few days before we had to be out of the semi, Bruce scheduled the carpet
cleaners. I had worked all night
cleaning up the house of paint supplies and mouse stuff that kept finding its
way onto the kitchen floor from the walls.
I even threw out the mat that was at the front of the house. There were 2 piles of garbage- 1 in the
basement and one on the front lawn. The
carpet cleaners decided they needed stuff to wrap around the wall so their hose
wouldn’t mark it up. The guys went to
our garbage pile and pulled out 2 rugs and used them. I almost lost it. I had spent all that time trying to get the
house ocd, mouse and dirt free and these guys had undone my work in a few
minutes. Later, after I calmed down, I
agreed that Bruce should clean up what the men touched as he would only do the
necessary things and I would go overboard and have to re-clean everything. So he wasted a couple of hours re-cleaning
that could have been spent packing. </div>
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We left behind lots of our kitchen stuff because we had to be out of the house and we weren't done moving. Thanks, OCD. The new owners of the house were not happy with us as they had to wait outside for an hour or more before we gave up and just let them have the rest of our stuff. Maybe they would have been nicer had we told them I had ocd, but instead we just became part of a 'Nasty Move' story for the family to tell for years.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Late one night after the dumpster arrived at the new house, Bruce and Tom went
outside and got rid of all the garbage on the front lawn, then took off their clothes, threw them into
the dumpster also and came back into the house.
Ocd was now everybody’s problem. <o:p></o:p></div>
Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-19707535568696439102015-02-05T14:46:00.002-05:002015-02-05T14:46:38.563-05:00Part 3 of My Back Story: OCD & Moving 5 Hours North. OCD Running Havoc In My Life Even With Medication<h3 class="post-title entry-title" itemprop="name" style="background-color: #882222; color: seashell; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 22px; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal; margin: 0.75em 0px 0px; position: relative;">
<span style="font-size: 13.1999998092651px; line-height: 1.4;">My ‘relaxation days’ were now spent packing, or rather cleaning and then packing the items I’d cleaned. We wanted to have the bathtub redone but before the men could come I had to spend a night getting the real mold off the ceiling above the tub. But that was not enough. In case the mold spores had migrated because I touched them, I also had to clean the entire bathroom, ceiling and all. Then I probably threw out the clothes I was wearing.</span></h3>
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My closet became contaminated (I can’t remember why now) and I tried to decontaminate some of the stuff like jewellery by washing it before packing it. Unfortunately that didn’t work because my mind remembered they had been contaminated (unlike a shirt or pants that was just thrown in the wash and I forgot which one had been contaminated by the time they came out of the machine.) So the jewellery ended up being thrown out. Now before you get worried, I’m not talking expensive stuff, thank goodness! I did throw out my wedding dress, tho, that was hanging in that closet and also a dressy winter coat.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The basement storage room had real mold in it that I didn’t notice until we emptied the shelves to pack them. So everything that was in there had to be wiped clean (all my food cans and the outside of packed bins that were put there while I swept out the larger room) or thrown out. (I’d already cleaned out the basement twice due to real mold back when we’d first bought the house. I had to scrub the concrete walls with bleach and hose them down. Not a fun job. I was shocked that room had already started to grow mold again. Because I didn’t want to wash the metal shelves that were in there, to decontaminate them, they, along with a lot of stuff from the garage were given away. Or did I make Bruce clean them off outside before we gave them away? So no storage shelving. The art supplies bin that was in that room that I carefully wiped down would return to haunt me later on because I remembered it was in a mold-contaminated room years before. Even though my mind knew I had wiped down the container (whether it even needed wiping in the first place those of you without ocd would know) I still had a hard time taking things out of it and using them. Some items like glitter glue pens and patterned scissors eventually got used. Other items got thrown out even at that later date.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I came to North bay with very few clothes. The last day we were at our house we tidied it and I threw out my dirty clothes and I think I made Bruce do the same thing, so I wouldn’t have to take them with me and dirty up the car. I packed most of our things even though we had a packing team coming to help us the day before we left. I was also hurrying to get all our laundry washed before I packed it so it would be ‘clean’ at the other end and could be put directly into the drawers. I did it all except for 2 bins of clothes/ dishtowels that we eventually threw out because I was too afraid to open them at the new house till it was too late and the clothes were ruined. It never occurred to us to run to a laundry mat and clean them before we left <st1:city w:st="on">Welland</st1:city>. In fact, these were probably the only clothes that actually needed to be washed as they were worn or used. I saved them for last and ran out of time. This would not be the only time things got thrown out due to OCD.<o:p></o:p></div>
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While Bruce was living up north he was house hunting also and when we finally got one, his job was to clean it in the evenings after work. He got everything done except the kitchen. So to me the kitchen was ‘contaminated’. I wouldn’t cook, or clean or do dishes. I left any garbage from opening foods on the table because I was too afraid of using the garbage cans. Using a garbage can meant I had to wash my hands afterwards and that could take up to a half hour if I didn’t do it just ‘right’. So I tried to stay away from the sink as much as possible. Even after we spent the time cleaning the kitchen, I was not too eager to use it, although I did. Not for cooking tho. Bruce did the cooking when he came home from work. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Laundry was an issue too. This house had a 2<sup>nd</sup> floor laundry that was as big as a closet. And in order to do a load I still had to wipe down not just the machines, but the walls, the door, the window ledge. Then I had to take a shower. Showers lasted a very long time. Many times I finished with a cold shower. Often afterwards, I would be crying because I couldn’t stand it that I couldn’t shower like quickly like I used to. I was also afraid to touch the walls, shower curtain or faucet.<o:p></o:p></div>
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All the paper towels from cleaning the laundry room each time I wanted to do a load of laundry had to go somewhere. For a long while they ended up beside the toilet in the upstairs bathroom. When the pile got big enuf, they got put into a garbage bag and taken outside on garbage night. That meant that I had to wash not only the path from the garbage can in the kitchen to the door which was ceramic tile and hardwood flooring, but also from the bathroom upstairs down the carpeted stairs to the front door. (because you never knew what germy things were leaching out thru the pores of the garbage bag and landing on the floor!!) Then I’d organize the garbage, wash the front door and foyer area and finally have a shower. Washing the carpet with a cloth was no fun, esp. if it hadn’t been vacuumed in a bit. All sorts of sock fuzz along with regular dirt had to be manually wiped down the stairs.<o:p></o:p></div>
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When I noticed mold inside the rubber part of the new front load washer, I got fed up and we bought another one, a newer one that had drain holes cut into the rubber to stop the molding. I wanted to get a top loader but OCD loved the front loader with a sanitizing button on it. Now I could really clean something if I had to! So we got that machine but in all the time since we’ve had it I’ve never ever used it. One, because I don’t want to wreck the clothes by washing them in such hot water and second, because I don’t want to start something by thinking that some clothes are so dirty they need to be sanitized. I was washing ‘contaminated’ clothes twice using the longest setting possible the second time thru which meant I was taking 2 showers that day or waiting til one cycle was over before resetting the washer and then cleaning the laundry room and showering. <o:p></o:p></div>
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We had left a lot of the boxes in what would become our living room and I would take them out one or 2 at a time and put the items away. Sometime before all the bins/ boxes were emptied the room became contaminated. This meant that one day I’d clean a few boxes off, take them out of the room and shower before opening them and putting the items away. With a 2 yr old to entertain this process took a long time and by Christmas Eve day it still wasn’t done. Bruce and I worked our tails off that evening, wiping down all the boxes and putting them in our dining room, finding and setting up the living room items and putting up a Christmas tree and decorations. Katrina went to bed that night seeing a boxed up living room and when she came downstairs the next day she had an astonished look on her face! Christmas had magically appeared at her house!!!<o:p></o:p></div>
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So then we had a living room which was clean and safe to use. As long as things didn’t get left on the floor for too long. Then they had to be cleaned again. Ditto for the family room in the basement. The first time I cleaned the family room I found some unrecognizable bugs in the room (ie, not ants, flies or spiders, which were normal for houses.) Because of my previous experience with maggots, I was completely freaked out that my house had somehow become bug infested by some horrid bug (not remembering all the times I’d left the house door open for at least a half hour if not longer while taking the garbage out and cleaning the foyer area!) . I spent hours cleaning everything that was on the floor, table etc. including books, toys and even the couch with vinegar. And many items would be cleaned and then re-cleaned to make sure they were clean. Once that was done, I didn’t want to clean the room again for a long time, except maybe to run a vacuum thru it. So instead of a weekly routine of a quick dust and windex and vacuum, I’d do these long marathon cleanings every couple of months. I felt that if I used a cleaner of any kind I had to take a shower. Even a duster.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We had joined the YMCA and found the <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placename w:st="on">Early</st1:placename> <st1:placename w:st="on">Years</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st="on">Center</st1:placetype></st1:place>. The EYC was a sanity saver for me. The hub near my house was opened 3 days a week and we were there every time. Katrina had the chance to play with kids her own age and I could either sit and watch or join in. I told Lise, the facilitator, about my ocd so she wouldn’t wonder where I was if I left the room to wash my hands. I hated the feel of play-do on my hands so would wash after that. I didn’t wash as often as I could have as I didn’t feel stressed there, so ocd was often quieter.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Unfortunately for me, the neighbour kids had a shed of outdoor toys they used in the summer. In the winter it was left alone. So OCD concocted a story in my head that there were probably mice in that shed and so the toys were all contaminated. The school where the EYC hub was, happened to be the one these kids went to and thus it was contaminated- the drinking fountain, the gym the EYC also used, anything these kids might be touching. Now I had a problem. I couldn’t admit to Lise what I now believed because it sounded so bizarre. If that wasn’t enough for me to deal with, Lise would empty the garbage container from the classroom and put a new bag in it without washing her hands afterward. So now the EYC became a stressful place to go.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br /><div class="MsoNormal">
I had been seeing a counsellor thru my husband’s work plan but he wanted to spend the time discussing my past, not getting to the ocd part of my life so when the 5 weeks were up, I stopped seeing him. The last time I was there he gave me an article on why we need not keep our children’s environments sterile. It had a coffee stain right on the top. (Coffee stains were especially contaminating because I belonged to a religion that banned coffee drinking. I’m sure the counsellor didn’t know that though). So that told me that he didn’t get it- giving a person with germ- ocd a DIRTY page and giving me an article to read that I completely agreed with. I KNEW kids shouldn’t be left in a sterile environment. Problem was, OCD didn’t, so it didn’t’ matter that I did. OCD ruled my life, not me. </div>
</div>
Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-91295260808600722182015-02-05T14:02:00.003-05:002015-02-05T14:02:40.352-05:00I went to see my new therapist, Cory yest. and we made a list of things I still hate to touch- bathroom sinks, kitchen faucets, the laundry... Only after i finished the list did i remember the real thing that I need to touch- all my clothes in the closet. Funny how the catalyst for re-entering therapy is forgotten while all my rituals that I felt I could live with come up first. Guess I don't really want to 'live with' rituals or weird ways of doing regular weekly or daily things. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately OHIP isn't paying for this round. My husband's insurance co. pays for some of it; the rest I pay. <br />
<br />
So yesterday I had to touch the top and bottom of the kitchen faucet to turn on the water, wash my hands and touch both the top and bottom of the faucet to turn off the water. Sounds simple. I did it, and didn't dry the hand that touched the tap because I didn't want to 'wipe off' the contamination onto the towel. Both a) so the towel didn't become contaminated (OCD reason) and so that I couldn't say that the towel was cleaning the contamination off my hand (ERP reason). <br />
<br />
I stared at my hand for a long time, wondering whether I'd be able to think of it as clean, or ok. I went from a 9 to an 8, but then Bruce started saying things like: 'you're in control'. Katrina hates it when we say that to her, trying to help her remember that she can beat ocd. She tells us that it just makes her dread number go back up. Now I understand why she said that. Telling me that 'I'm in charge' that early in the ERP just says that if I wasn't so stupid, i'd be in charge and i'd get to a 0 really fast, and the reason i can't is just cause i won't, or don't want to, because, you know, "I'm in charge".<br />
<br />
Interesting piece of information, that was! Saying things like: 'you can do it, Karin,' or 'you'll be alright' or 'shut up' (to the ocd telling me that I'll just contaminate the next thing i touch) works to calm me down and decrease the noise/ dread/ fear in my head.<br />
<br />
Also that's when something Cory said to me earlier clicked. She said that my 'peanut butter' theory (where i touch one thing, and then it's contaminated now, and then i touch another thing and it's contaminated now etc.) isn't my thought- that's OCD talking. That's what i need to tell to shut up. And while i'm telling ocd to shut up, i'm also not taking mental notes of what i'm touching for OCD to use as new contaminated items.<br /><br />OCD is such a devious sneak. <br />
<br />
Yesterday it took 43 minutes before i was ok touching stuff. Today it took 14 minutes. I was busy with the dogs, tho today so just got irritated faster that i was being one- handed doing stuff- and not my dominant hand, either, while yesterday night i was just sitting on the couch, WAITING.<br />
<br />
I'd like to do it 2 more times today, just not right now.<br />
<br />
PS. i also think it's time the English language followed the rest of the world in not capitalizing their word for I. It's a pain for those of us with not very long fingers to always be reaching for that capitalizing button. Just my pet peeve!Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-60665885018086916832015-02-02T22:08:00.001-05:002015-02-03T00:06:10.834-05:00Let's Start At the Very Beginning. A Very Good Place to Start. Part 2- I Ended Up With O.C.D.<div class="MsoNormal">
For Part 1 of my story click here: <br />
http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2015/02/lets-start-at-very-beginning-very-good.html<br />
<br />
<br />
Thank goodness for Google.
I entered OCD into the computer to see what the symptoms were and found
not only the symptoms I was experiencing but also found that the thoughts I had
had when Tom was a baby about maybe accidently molesting him because I was changing
his diapers were also symptoms of OCD. It
also explained what was going on with me during the university years.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Next step was to call the doctor. He sent me to a psychiatrist who put me on
cipralex which is the only anti-depressant/ ocd drug that I could take while
still nursing my daughter. I also called
Dana, the counsellor who agreed to see me but it took a month before she could
visit. The psychiatrist diagnosed me
with OCD and General Anxiety Disorder.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By this time my ocd
problems had mushroomed. I could hardly
walk outside in case I stepped on some leaves that had leaf ‘mould’ or in case
I just walked near some dog poop. I made
everyone take their shoes off at the door and mine even got washed rather often
in case something dirty got on them.
This was either done with a cleaner outside where they could get hosed
off and dry in the sun or if it was an ‘almost’ contamination like stepping
close to, but not in dog poop I could get away with just pouring vinegar on
them and wiping it off with a cloth.
Even though it was summer, having bare feet was a ‘no-no’ since I could
then bring all sorts of contamination into the house and onto the couch as I
often sat cross-legged or lay on it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Taking Katrina to the
lovely park right across the street from our house was now really full of
anxiety as she was mobile and wanted to touch and play with stuff, not just sit
in the swing with mommy. Other
preschoolers would play in the park without diapers and then pee their pants
and then go on the swing or slide. I
would take note and make sure Katrina didn’t touch those items. Later I’d go back over with some cloths full
of Windex or vinegar and wipe off the ‘dirty’ swing. Or I’d wait until the next rain cleaned the
park before going there again. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My life with a new baby was very anxiety-ridden. I was losing control. People had to wash their hands when they
entered the house to ‘not get it dirty because I don’t have time to clean it’,
or so I said. Since the vacuum cleaner
cord touched the ‘dirty’ ‘contaminated’ carpet, the vacuum cleaner was
contaminated too. I couldn’t dust or
spray windex around a room unless I wanted to shower afterwards because that
was too dirty a job now. (What if the dust fell on me?). Laundry meant a shower
also as did doing the dishes. All of
these jobs were at one time my favourite household chores. Yes, I was one of
the few who actually liked doing laundry- and hanging it up to dry. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My evening routine went like this: cook dinner, eat, do dishes, sweep floor, do
any OCD decontamination cleaning, do laundry and then shower. I’d dress in my pyjamas ready to nurse the
baby and be ‘clean’ for the evening. On
occasional nights I’d help my husband do his homework or study for a test. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Library books, once a source of pleasure, were now a
problem. They were often contaminated before I got them which necessitated a
wiping with vinegar before I could read them and/ or became contaminated
because I touched them and thus needed a
cleaning wipe down before they were returned to the library. It soon became easier for me to just not go
there anymore. I was now cut off from my
favourite hobby – one that not only entertained and informed me but also helped
de-stress and relax me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was also anxious
about stepping on a cigarette butt or some other ‘dirty’ item. Just walking close to dog poop made me feel
contaminated. It was as if I had a 3-4
foot circle around me and anything in it was as if it were touching me. It was the same way with garbage cans
too. I couldn’t just drop things into
one. I’d have to stand a certain
distance away (one that ‘felt’ right) and drop the item from high above the
container so no garbage molecules could bounce back out of the can and touch
me. (Think of the garbage landing on a pile of flour and the flour spewing dust
and flour back up. All garbage reacted
just like flour to me- invisible but real.) <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What was really odd, though was how inconsistent I was at
what was contaminated and what wasn’t. I
didn’t have a problem taking Katrina on the merry-go-round. I could touch a
grocery cart without getting upset.
Shouldn’t these things also be off limits? Whatever I had wasn’t very understandable. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Life was becoming chaos. Things that
were clean the day before could become contaminated and if I didn’t get around
to cleaning them, someone else in the family would touch that item. Then I
would yell, cry or both. It seemed to me
that other people had a strange need to touch objects that
were contaminated. Even if that object
was sitting there for months with no one touching it. As soon as it was contaminated someone would
suddenly get a need to touch that item or put something in that specific spot.
All of this meant that my 15 yr old was getting pretty fed up with me and my
weird requests for him to clean things or wash his hands ‘for no good reason’
as was my husband.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We decided that Katrina should go to day care a couple of
days a week so she could get away from my continual requests for her to come
get her hands washed and my counsellor
Dana agreed that this would be good for me, to get some rest and do things just
for me. This would help eliminate my
stress. She helped us get some financial
help for the day care as Bruce was still in school. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was completely at a
loss of what to do the first day Katrina was gone so I decided to clean the
car. It wasn’t just dirty, remember, it
was contaminated with mouse poop so it took a long time to clean. And I didn’t clean the floor, don’t ask me
why, but that meant the car still was contaminated. And I forgot to clean the seat belts, so that
didn’t help either. I never noticed how
many times I got into the car and the buckle would be on the floor until
now. Since I hadn’t cleaned the floor by
the seat belt it would contaminate the buckle which would contaminate me and my
keys and Katrina. But there was nothing
I could do about it. Except to clean the
floor and if I did that the vacuum would be really contaminated, even if I
never saw any mouse evidence on the floor.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Day care brought more
anxiety as I had to take Katrina in the contaminated car, so her coat, etc. was
contaminated which meant her cubby at the day care was contaminated. Was she contaminating the whole day
care? I kept these thoughts mostly to
myself, sharing them only with Bruce and Dana. The ‘sane’ part of me knew that
unless Bruce and Dana said they were dirty, it was probably ok. That it was just me and I wasn’t really
making all the kids at the day care dirty. Fortunately most of the time Bruce
drove Katrina to daycare and picked her up.
He was not in the least concerned about my mouse contamination
issues. I would change Katrina out of
her daycare clothes into clean home clothes when she got home. Funny, I never made Bruce or Tom do
that! But neither of them spent the day
with lots of germy kids sitting all over the floor and outside in a
playground. (I used to teach Junior and
Senior Kindergarten and sit around with germy kids and I loved it.
This is how sad my life had become.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p> </o:p>By now, ocd had taken all the fun out of my life. I used to like doing the laundry, sitting or
laying on the floor, going for long walks, reading a book. Now I just worried. When on a walk, I used to look at people’s
landscaping, the path ahead of me or just walked, lost in my own thoughts. But now I was spending all my energy looking
down in front of me or around me to make sure I didn’t step in messes left by
dogs or cats or in any brown leaves- they could hide dog dirt or leaf
mould. Unfortunately what used to be my
favourite relaxing activities now became anxiety-ridden feats.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In fact, I was becoming housebound. It was just easier to be in my own familiar
areas with all my new ‘familiar’ ocd-routines.
I had to force myself outside. I
was afraid I’d become agoraphobic. Dana
said that that could happen AND I could become more and more confined to a
special spot even in my house as ocd got a bigger and bigger grip on me. I didn’t want that to happen, so I continued
to force myself to go outside no matter how anxiety-filled that made me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I decided to use the time that Katrina was at day care to
improve my French and German skills and to nap. That went fine for a few
months. Bruce was still working as a
co-op student. We were concerned that
there wasn’t any money left for him to go to school for another year, so he
started applying for jobs. A permanent,
full-time job became available in <st1:city w:st="on">North
Bay</st1:city>, 5 hours north of where we lived. On the plus side, the company would pay for
moving costs. On the negative side, they
wanted him in January and Katrina was just getting used to and liking her day
care experience and Tom wanted to finish his year in the Sea Cadets. We decided that Bruce should take the job and
so he lived in <st1:city w:st="on">North Bay</st1:city>
for most of the week and came home on weekends.
That meant he had the car and I had to walk. While that worked well during the fall, it
wasn’t going to do so well in the winter months! We got another old car for me and that solved
my mouse-contamination-in-the-car problem because I used the new car and Bruce
used our original car. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
By this time the pills were kicking in and I wasn’t so anxious
outdoors anymore. However, they didn’t
take the ocd completely away, like I’d hoped.
Not even close. I did find that I
wasn’t so nervous driving anymore and didn’t need to do much circle-checking
for dead bodies or accidents. One small
blessing.<o:p></o:p></div>
Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-37999541330138624612015-02-01T23:04:00.002-05:002015-02-01T23:04:33.996-05:00Let's Start At the Very Beginning, A Very Good Place to Start. Part 1 What the heck is wrong with me?<div class="MsoNormal">
I came home from an afternoon at a friend’s farm in early
September of 2005 feeling kind of queasy.
Did I have too much sun that day?
Did I eat something I shouldn’t have?
Nope, I was pregnant. Forty years
old and pregnant. My husband was in college. He had taken out student loans, had dipped into his RRSP. I thought it would
be an interesting challenge to see how little we could live on. We had planted a garden in the backyard again
to help us out with this endeavour. Our
14 yr old son would continue to be home schooled as he had requested. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most of my plans went right out the window that September
when I started feeling nauseous. Bruce
still went to school, Tom still home schooled but I, instead of cooking and preserving
the garden produce and baking our own zucchini bread spent most of the day sick
in bed trying not to smell any food at all.
Tom, in addition to his schoolwork and regular chores now took on
laundry and house tidying also as well as cooking. Someone must have done the grocery shopping
too. I didn’t care. In fact, I said to myself “I can’t have ocd
because I don’t care how anything is being cleaned or IF anything is being done
downstairs and I’m sure that if I really had ocd, I’d be in the thick of it, no
matter how sick I was.” Famous last words, as they say. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now why did I even think I had ocd? Because I had watched an Oprah show about it
where I found that I wasn’t the only person in the world who would re-circle a
block to make sure I hadn’t accidently run over someone in the road. So, I had some ocd tendencies. Nothing to get overly worried about esp. as I
had also watched a documentary about ocd where a lady couldn’t go to the park
because of the germs there and she would sort and wash her laundry based on how
contaminated it was, not by color. NOT
ME, so I was still ok. Laundry was one of my enjoyable household chores and I
had no problem going to a park and sitting on a swing. I just had some funny
habits- like not carrying the dirty laundry and the clean laundry in the same
baskets and washing my hands after I touched the garage doors- odd because I
didn’t do that in our last house.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, inevitably, 9 months later a beautiful 8 lbs 15 ounce
baby girl entered our lives. After the
nausea had left, around Christmas time, I was able to read again and one of my
homeschooling friends had loaned me a book to read called Diaper Free. This book talked about how mothers used to
help their babies eliminate waste before the advent of diapers. It was an interesting book, and always one to
want to make my baby happy, I naively tried it.
I did wait till the baby was about 2 weeks old. Then I started taking her to the toilet and
making a ssss noise, try to have her go.
She caught on but didn’t like it much, crying as she did it. But as it decreased the amount of dirty
diapers and poopy clothes I had to clean up, I still kept on with it. After a while I could tell by the look on her face that she
was getting ready to poop and instead of waiting while she filled the diaper
and THEN changing her, I’d hold her over the toilet instead. I did spend more time washing my hands and
her hands & feet (since they were over the toilet and could have potentially
gotten sprayed by germs, OCD anyone??). </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By the time she was
a year old I was still very tired. Not
only was I running up to the second floor bathroom with Katrina every hour or
two but she still nursed during the night AND she didn’t sleep well during the
day unless she was on my lap or right beside me. Unfortunately, if I put her down in her crib
after she dropped off to sleep she would
startle herself awake and start crying.
If she was right near me, I could softly jiggle her back to sleep, but by the time I got upstairs to her crib, she’d be fully awake and
ready to stay up for another few hours. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Katrina was a very alert, curious baby who didn’t like being
in a baby seat for very long, didn’t care for television to entertain her much
(except maybe 10- 20 min. of Baby Einstein stuff so I could cook or have a
shower). Bruce was still busy at school
from early in the morning til 6 or 7 at night.
And then after coming home he had hours of homework to do also. So I had the main responsibility of her care
day and night. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One very odd thing that I noticed was that I was confused
about how to put Katrina in her crib during the day. Did I have to change her clothes so she
wouldn’t get her bed ‘dirty’? If people
put on pj’s at night to sleep in bed, then shouldn’t she be changed from day
clothes to night clothes for a nap also?
Strange thought! I’d never had that concern with Tom when he
was a baby. He napped in his
clothes! I was also worried about touching
the swing set in the park across the street- would she catch germs? She already had had diaper rash a couple of
weeks after she was born and a cold too.
I thought these thoughts were ‘odd’ but put them down to being a new mom
so many years after my son was born and just being worried. Kind of like 15 years ago when I worried about
whether Tom was breathing in his crib while he went down for naps. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But these odd
thoughts didn’t go away like I thought they would. They got worse. My father came over to help put in new
windows in our 50 yr old house. The 2<sup>nd</sup>
floor windows had mold in them. I used
to try to wash it out but with the pregnancy and baby there was no time or
energy for that kind of activity. These
windows were taken out and brought downstairs and out the door and new ones
were put in. I wondered if the windows
had somehow deposited mould spores on their way outside and thus contaminated
those rooms also. And were the new windows already contaminated because my dad touched
them after touching the mouldy ones without showering first? I spent a lot of time (with Bruce) cleaning
up the bedrooms and the living areas where the windows had been. This included washing walls, dressers, the
bed, floor. EVERYTHING. But then the house was clean again… sort of-
because I didn’t wash the sheets off the beds ‘correctly’ and they contaminated
the linen closet. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then I started smelling something funny in the
house. Bruce called the chimney
cleaners and they said there’s probably baby raccoons in the chimney, dead. EWW.
They couldn’t come right away, so we were put on their list. No problem- until I saw the maggots crawling
on the floor. Fortunately Katrina was
too young to be on the floor at the time.
I spent time picking them up and getting rid of them and then made a
frantic call to Bruce to tell him what was up.
The chimney people, taking heart at my dilemma, moved us up the schedule
to the next day. Bruce came home after
his co-op job that night and put up shower curtain barriers between the dining
and living room so I wouldn’t have to clean the dining room after the men left. Then he made me stay upstairs so I wouldn’t
see the mess that came out of the fireplace.
Again, I kept hoping that once these specific ‘issues’ were cleaned up
that my need to clean and my belief that things were contaminated would go
away. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bruce didn’t have that hope.
He went to the local health unit and asked them if they could tell him
what was wrong with me. They mentioned
stress and gave me the name of a counsellor I could call. I waited a month before calling. I really
wanted to be ok, all by myself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We were going out for a drive one warm late summery evening
and stopped at a friend’s house. They were
outside cleaning up their camping equipment. The couple had just come home from
a vacation down south where they were helping someone renovate a house. I stood listening, full of anxiety. I wanted to leave but they invited us in
instead and Bruce went along. I didn’t want to go in as they hadn’t showered
yet and thus were still contaminated by whatever renovations they had done. They
told us more about their experiences gutting that house and how much stuff was
behind those walls. I translated this
all to: They touched dead mice/ mouse
droppings, then came back to their house
and cleaned out their trailer which was also contaminated by these mouse
leftovers. Now the whole house we were sitting in was contaminated with mouse
droppings- even tho I hadn’t actually seen any- and so were Bruce and I … and
so was our car because you never know what might have stuck to our clothes
as we were sitting on their couch… and so was our living room as we walked through
it on the way upstairs to the mandatory shower.
I cried the whole way home and for months afterwards thought that there
were mouse droppings under the couch, in the living room and in the car. Even
though I never found any. I was now an
emotional wreck. If only Bruce had had
the courage to say “no, we can’t come in for a visit” all of this wouldn’t have
happened, right?<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
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Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-79904001344192038942015-01-21T15:51:00.004-05:002015-01-21T15:54:31.303-05:00This is the Way We Clean our House, Clean our Stuff, Clean up Things. Or Not.You know how most people think that people with contamination OCD must be clean freaks? Well it's not true. I like a clean house but it took me a very long time to get back to 'normal' cleaning. You know, dusting and vaccuuming and getting the crumbs and stuff off computers and tv screens and other touched objects. I'd go into these long (6 + hour) cleaning binge for just 1 room and wash things once, or twice or more. About half way thru, or earlier, i'd feel contaminated by the cleaners and then i couldn't touch anything with my bod--y without recleaning it. Then to top it off, i'd put the clothes i wore into the laundry then finally have a shower. This wasn't for mouse-clean up events. This was my new 'normal' cleaning. Problem was, i didn't want to do that again, so it wouldn't get cleaned again for awhile. Maybe some spot cleaning for a spill etc.<br />
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After a while ( and a move to a 'less' contaminated house, because i hadn't lived in it yet :P) i learned that if i dusted and windexed a room I didn't need to shower myself or change my clothes. So that part is ok.<br />
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The problem is cleaning special items. Like today i had to wipe off the walker and bath seat I've been using since my car accident and broken foot. I thought about it A LOT while not cleaning them. Finally I decided to get started, after re-telling myself that the walker was never dirty, except maybe under the feet, which i'd do last, and the chair I used in the bathroom to slike across the floor from the sink to toilet and back was just dirty, nothing toxic and even tho the 'dirty' bath curtain was touching the back of the tub seat, even it wasn't toxicly dirty. So all i needed was some rags, or paper towels and vinegar. I didn't need to throw my clothes into the laundry or shower after i finished. A hand-to-elbow wash was just good enough. <br />
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After this 'pep talk' i got my supplies and started. Walker -simple, done. Chair, took a little longer because it had more parts, but done. Finally the seat. New rag, some paper towels for the feet bottoms and i started from the underside to the top to the chair backing. The bottle was getting empty, so i was getting a little stressed, hoping I'd be able to finish. Did so. Even cleaned bottle off and around the bathroom sink for good measure. But i felt a bit damp. <br />
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It must be cause i'm 50, but doing even tiny cleaning jobs makes me all hot. It feels like i have sprayed vinegar all over me, or touched the wet items with my clothes. Or.... maybe it's just OCD magnifying normal human activity to feel like i have just run a marathon. I really wanted to take my clothes off and have a shower but the sane part of me kept saying NO. What i really need is to sit this through. Don't take the easy way out. (But i'm still in pj's anyway, so why not shower. It's about time anyway). But can i touch my library books without showering/ changing? Can the books touch my clothes or will they be contaminated too? What will the people say who get the books after me, all contaminated? Do the world and yourself a favour, Karin, and take a shower. Oh, that would have been so easy! <br />
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So sitting here waiting for the dread to leave and my mind to calm itself down, i am upset at all the cleaning jobs i don't do, that i should do, that i have done in the past as part of the stay-at-home- parent's job. Things like wiping down and tidying up a linen closet. Or wiping out the fridge. Or the cupboards and drawers. I used to put a book tape on and make it a fun event. Now I hope that Bruce will get tired of the mess and crumbs in the kitchen drawers and clean them one Saturday. Then all i'd have to do is feel badly that he did it and not me. <br />
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Being mostly OCD free (80-90%) doesn't seem good enough for me anymore. That last meltdown i had in my daughter's therapist's office has me worried / concerned that maybe this isn't good enough. That i should do the work of ERP to bring myself back to how it used to be.<br />
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I've looked on line for an OCD- trained therapist in my city and while most say they deal with 'anxiety' in their long lists, only 2 made mention of dealing with OCD, / anxiety as their specialty. One of those happens to be my daughter's therapist. He said that would be a conflict of interest. Figures. That means i have to call the other one. Now all my anxieties come out. I don't want to phone her, I want her to get my ESP and phone me. Ha, ha ha. When my daughter needed help I had no hesitation of getting her some help. I do want help with this, as well as my 2 OCD theories of The Spreading Of Dirt. I'd like to think that my daughter's therapist's experiment i posted about before, would stick in my head instead: if you throw a bunch of papers (germs) in the air, only a few land in the jar. Of these, only a few are 'bad' germs. What i want is a way to make that stick in my head. But is this something a therapist can do? <br />
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On the plus side, I've been to the March of Dimes for help with getting a job, and we've done my resume. This might be actually real, soon. Job interviews, etc. Another not fun activity. Sometimes I just don't want to 'feel the fear & do it anyway'. I just want the fear/ dread to go away and stay away.<br />
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I am also back to 200mg of clomipramine. I think it's helping. Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-54221580787852516652015-01-01T22:59:00.002-05:002015-01-01T22:59:28.847-05:00You Know It's OCD When:I was washing my hands in the sink and little bubbles came out of the overflow hole. Now for me that means those bubbles could have mold attached to them from the plumbing under the sink. I don't know this for sure, as i don't have any plumbing knowledge. What i do know is that the house is over 20 yrs old, the plumbing hasn't been redone in the bathroom and mold likes wet places. Ergo 1+1+1=OCD. I don't know how rational my thinking is in this corner. I don't know whether plumbing from 5 yrs ago tends to have less mold than plumbing from 20 yrs ago, or whether sinks get mold in them at all. This is just the premise. See my last post for other ocd-inspired theories i've come up with in my life.<br />
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So remember that i have 1 broken foot, so can't walk very well on it. ( I can do a bit of a hobble if i need to).<br />
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Now i'm at the sink, not quite finished my hand washing 'routine' when the bubbles start coming out. So i quickly stop (don't want to get any on my arms) and start to hobble toward the kitchen where i can finish washing my hands. Bruce is just figuratively shaking his head, but what can i do? If i decide that I don't need to go to the kitchen, that this is all stupid, then what have i been thinking and responding to the last 7 yrs ?<br />
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So i get my hands properly' washed while wondering what would have happened had this been last week, when i couldn't hobble and would have had to use my walker to get to the kitchen, thus contaminating the walker.<br />
Five minutes later OCD decides i need another hand wash but this time i wait, pick up my daughter's book and read to her, and then it goes away. Katrina and i have a discussion about how sometimes it can be a while before OCD dread feelings go away. She is experiencing the same problem with her ERP activity.<br />
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I also just remembered that i haven't taken my pills for the day, and my walker is 5 or 6' away and i have no water close by.<br />
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Here we go a-hobbling among the leaves so green,<br />
here we go a hobbling,....once again.<br />
<br />Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-74834129543439410052014-12-23T15:31:00.000-05:002014-12-23T15:31:00.061-05:00Killed My FootThis doesn't have anything to do with OCD, but does, in a way. Friday, while driving into a parking spot, i put my foot on the gas instead of the brake, noticed my mistake, put my foot on the brake AND pushed down hard, hoping to make the car stop before it hit the concrete barrier. It didn't work and now my foot is busted. So much that they couldn't operate because there wasn't anything to pin the stuff to. So here i sit, on my couch with my leg in a boot, raised up. Not a good thing for being able to wash my hands often!<br />
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I had to let bruce put the garbage out yesterday and will have to let someone do the laundry without me being able to supervise them to make sure it's all done 'correctly' AKA ocd"s way. Sure puts ocd into it's spot! I have a walker to get around with. I never knew how hard a walker is on the palm of your hands. They hurt while i'm walking as badly as my foot does. Ocd got worse in the hospital. I didn't like watching the cleaning lady do her stuff, or people coming in and closing the washroom door i'd specifically left open so i wouldn't have to touch the handle. <br />
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I went to my doctor;s on Fri. before the accident, and my ocd meds are slowly increasing. Hopefully all the ocd thots i had at the hospital will mysteriously disappear over the next few weeks as my meds go up. Haven't got hold of the mental health clinic to see about seeing a therapist. Was kinda out of touch fri. afternoon and all weekend.<br />
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I'm doing fine; mostly it doesn't hurt too much. I'm home from the hospital. I don't have to shovel snow, do dishes etc. so this does have a few pluses to it. I also finished my christmas shopping. I just have to wrap it all up. Trouble is, its upstairs and i can't get there. <br />
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Before you feel all sorry for me, i have never had a broken leg or arm before so this is all interesting and new. I'm not in too much pain and haven't reached the boredom stage yet so my holidays aren t ruined. This is all a fun experience. Not one i plan on rehaving, so i am going to milk it for all it's worth!Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-52119983791397908262014-12-18T11:57:00.003-05:002014-12-18T12:01:59.631-05:00I Get Knocked Down... Can I Get Up Again?<div class="MsoNormal">
Dec. 18 2014<o:p></o:p></div>
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Yesterday afternoon was really bad. <o:p></o:p></div>
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First of all I was feeling contaminated about the mouse
thing and about picking up my dogs’ messes.
So much so that instead of going to my fitness test for the healthy
living program I took a shower instead.
By the time I got to the ymca with my daughter I was rather late for
that. I mentioned that I had ocd stuff
going on, and heather asked if I wanted to go back to therapy for a
booster. I told her that first I had to
talk to the nurse. And I did. And she made some comment about how mouse pee
has some problems with it and if it were her she’d wash all the clothes in her
closet- including ties. And wipe off all
the belts. That maybe the mice had been
gnawing at my clothes. I tried to
explain that NONE OF THE clothes had been just laying on the floor in the mouse
poop (or pee) that they had just fallen onto a shoe rack and maybe a sleeve or
tie had just brushed the floor/ mouse crud.
Nope, she was adamant that I wash everything. Needless to say, while I was expecting the
work of an ERP of touching the clothes, wearing the clothes etc. I hadn’t expected that I would be taking
everything to the washer or garbage can.
What do I do with my husband’s suit?
If I take it to the dry cleaner, I and the dry cleaner would
automatically be contaminated, so what would be the point? So I should just throw it out?<o:p></o:p></div>
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I walked my mile (27 times around the track) with my head
just spinning. Afterwards I looked even
worse than before. Good thing tho, my
blood pressure does NOT go up to reflect my stress levels. Snicker.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Fast forward. Now
I’m at my daughter’s therapist. I didn’t
have time to shower before going there and I forgot a pair of clean long pants
(actually I decided not to put on my shorts because I ha d planned to bring
another pair of pants which I also forgot).
So now I felt yucky outside as well as inside. <o:p></o:p></div>
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At Eric’s office I just pulled my chair as far away as
possible and basically stared at the ceiling.
I guess he noticed because he sent Katrina out and asked what was
wrong. He listened and then stated
that I shouldn’t have left therapy. I
asked what the problem was- I was soooo confused and thot that knowing whether
to wash the clothes would solve the problems.
He told me to tell heather what I told him and she’d know what to do, or
something like that. So I left just as
confused as before and absolutely embarrassed that I fell apart in front of
him.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So I spent some time thinking instead of going to
toastmasters last night. Here is what I
came up with:<o:p></o:p></div>
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I have a problem with my peanut butter theory. And my molecule theory.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Peanut butter theory goes like this: Bruce put on his tie. Tie touched mouse dirt so now it’s stuck to
tie. Tie touches shirt and now shirt is
contaminated. Hands that touch tie or
shirt are now ‘sticky’ with contamination and when they touch a dog’s leash,
now that is contaminated. When I touch
the dog’s leash I am now contaminated.
Days later this is still true, unless I wash the dog’s leash. It’s as if peanut butter was smeared from
item to item getting everything contaminated in it’s path, even if I can’t see
it. Sometimes I can say shut up to
that, but other times it’s just faster
& easier to wash and get it over with. So I think
I’ve been doing that over the past few months. I have noticed that my hands are more rough
than usual. But couldn’t really see why.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Molecule theory:
learned this in high school and useful for scrupulosity ocd, but also
works for contamination ocd. This one
goes like this: All objects are made up
of invisible molecules floating around.
The closer they are together, the denser the object. Hence a table has very close molecules (but
they are still floating around) while liquid’s molecules are farther
apart. That’s the science. The scary part is that I then concluded that
molecules of banned substances like coffee or alcohol are floating around and
may be separated from the actual liquid.
In real life this means: an
alcohol bottle box may have residual alcohol molecules inside and if I pack
cups in them and don’t wash the cups afterwards, I would be inadvertently
taking in alcohol, albeit a small amount.
Or a dried up coffee stain on a table would still have molecules
floating around that could attach themselves to my hand and if I then touched
my mouth I’d be ‘drinking’ coffee even though I hadn’t intended to.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ok, you can stop
snickering now. These were developed as
a high school / college student. While
living at home I didn’t have to worry about any of this because my parents
didn’t have any of that contraband in the house. Fast forward to university: Living with a stranger off campus. She smoked (and probably drank coffee) . One day she dried my dishes while I wasn’t
home. I had to rewash them (secretly)
because she probably contaminated them.
Only I didn’t have the words or the understand ing of what was going on. I just knew life was a lot tougher as a
Mormon on my own. I was responsible for all
the accidental sins I committed, never mind any real ones.<o:p></o:p></div>
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When I was 41 and left the Mormon church my fears about
coffee and alcohol disappeared. They were not sins and I wasn’t going to hell
for drinking them. (Don’t worry, all you
non-Mormons. You didn’t belong to my
church, so these rules don’t apply to you.
You can still go to heaven. I was
just not so lucky. I would have to be
very careful all my adult life out in public.
Something I never imagined as a teenager. <o:p></o:p></div>
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But my theories didn’t disappear. They are now morphing over to the mouse
issue, I think, I hope. Cause I’d much
rather do ERP than clean out my whole closet with all the contamination that would entail.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So it’s time to call the mental health clinic and my
doctor. Maybe I just need to readjust my
meds till I work this out. <o:p></o:p></div>
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PS. My adult son says i should just impliment a 'salt theory' for the peanut butter one. lol.</div>
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PPS. In Mormonism you cannot drink alcohol, tea or coffee or smoke cigarettes or do illegal drugs. I didn't want to explain that above because then i'd lose my train of thought.</div>
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Thanks for listening.
Sorry for any unclearness. I’ll
do a reread when I’m not so emotionally attached.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-18287501191883448412014-12-17T11:33:00.002-05:002014-12-17T11:33:51.370-05:00Exam... I Didn't Finish The Whole Thing Yet.Remember how we had mice awhile ago and i cleaned everything up. Well, unfortunately there was a part i didn't write about, because what i did write was so horrid to relive thru. And then i forgot about it- to write it, not in real life.<br />
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When i was moving clothes from our closet to the upstairs closet of our new bedroom (old playroom) I wasn't being too careful. We had cleaned out the kitchen and living room from the mice, but hadn't seen any evidence in the bedroom. I dropped some of the clothes onto the shoe rack that was at the right side of the closet. I picked them up and put them upstairs. No problem, right? Wrong.<br />
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A day or so later i moved the shoe rack and found a couple - or maybe just 1- piece of evidence. So i cleaned the shoe rack and the floor but wasn't sure what to do about the dropped laundry that i'd had put in the closet, esp. since i had added more clothes afterwards, not knowing there was a problem.<br />
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Solution for me: don't use that side of the closet. Just leave it all alone until the EWW feeling goes away. Which, as i found out, it didn't. Bruce wanted some ties for a funeral but i asked him not to take stuff from there, as they were still on my OCD list. Thankfully he didn't.<br />
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Last Sunday was the work Chr. party for the kids. Bruce wanted to wear a tie, and thinking i was sort of ok with the closet i said, ok. Bad choice on my part. Because it was NOT ok, I didn't want to touch him for the rest of the day, when he touched the dog leashes to take the dogs out I classified THEM as contaminated too and so now every time i take the dogs out i either have to wash my hands or feel like i'm 'sort-of'' contaminating everything else. The door handle has been contaminated, which i find sort of ok- ERP ishly but i can't touch a library book without washing to make sure i am completely clean. Because the leashes touched my pants, they are also sort-of contaminated.<br />
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Sort of contaminated means i still wear the pants but put a house robe over top of them so they don't contaminate my computer or library books, and i feel sort of icky/ unsure if i should be noticing and labeling everything i touch after touching my pants as contaminated. Lots of head space is being used up feeling completely confused about whether this is necessary or not.<br />
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Bruce had already told me that since this metal shoe rack was against the wall and because there were no mice droppings at the front or open side, that no clothes would have gotten dirty. The slots between the bars were small enough that nothing (EXCEPT MAYBE TIES??? or belts??} could have fallen thru, so not to worry about them. So technically it should be ok to touch stuff.<br />
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Since Bruce was wandering around the house both before and after the party with the tie/ same shirt that the tie was on, that everything must be fine, even tho i marked a few certain things as contaminated. I didn't go around the house vaccuuming after every step he took.<br />
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So some things i ignore- like the door i touched after touching the dog leashes and some things I wash after touching or before touching to keep contamination at bay. So confused in my head.<br />
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Monday was a really foggy day in my head. Slept lots, just wasn't very productive.<br />
Sometime between Monday night and Tuesday morning i made a decision that cleared the fog out of my brain, but didn't stop the excessive hand washing, altho in a haphazard fashion. I decided to ask the nurse at today's exercise class if SHE would just wear those clothes in the closet or if she'd wash them all first- just in case one touched a mouse dropping back in October.<br />
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Yes, i actually haven't worn clothes hanging in my closet since that date. Fortunately many items that usually hang in the closet must have been in the laundry so they were just put away in other drawers until i figured out what to do with this.<br />
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I will follow what the nurse says- she's a trained professional. If she says wash, i will either wash or pitch stuff. If she says wear, i will either do that or do erps to become comfortable with this decision.<br />
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I felt better after making this decision. Only today, in a few hours i will be getting my answer. Will I accept it, or look around for more advice- an ocd ritual? I'm getting nervous.<br />
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OH, BTW, i am doing ERPs with my daughter every night. Under the guidence of a therapist. They are not so fun either. <br />
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OCD CAN REALLY SUCK BIG TIME but i will get thru this....<br />
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Again, sorry if this is a bit unclear. I really don't want to relive this again by rereading it right now.<br />
<br />Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-62290701082646835452014-10-31T14:40:00.001-04:002014-10-31T14:41:39.683-04:00The Leaves Were Pretty This Short Fall.<span style="color: lime;">Note to self</span>: If i reread my posts on a regular basis, i might even learn something! I forgot that i did the laundry ERP so well and went back to the laundry + shower method. But then these past 2 months have been crazy.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: blue;">Note to readers</span>: Writing posts about OCD happenings is like having to relive them again- in slow motion. So it takes me time to do that without feeling all the YUK factor involved in stuff like finding and cleaning up after mice. Because there was more to that story than i told. I just wanted to wait until I wasn't upset anymore. And that has taken awhile. <br />
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Day 3 happened when the exterminators came to the house to put A+++ poison in so I will never have this problem again here. Lesson learned years ago at our first house when I first tried humane traps, then killing traps and they still returned/ weren't all gone. Then out came the big guns. No more mice!<br />
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So even though it's expensive, we got the exterminators in. Problem was- the exterminators! First they sat on the ledge right by my garbage cans (EWW). Then they sounded THRILLED that we had a mouse problem. Maybe thrilling for THEM, for me- not so much. Then they touched stuff. (Who knows where they'd been or what they touched before they got to my house??) I had to leave. I took the dogs and drove to the end of the street- a long country lane, crying. I just couldn't take it anymore. <br />
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After a short cry i went for a walk to try to feel better. And it worked. I tried to focus on the day and what i was seeing, not what was happening back at my house. Mindfulness helped me get back on my feet and feel i could handle whatever happened at home. <br />
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Bruce had put a piece of tape everywhere they had touched and i only had to wipe those areas. He also told them i had OCD, so they then understood not to just touch stuff. That was nice of them! I thought that was the end of the story. Not so.<br />
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A week or so later, one of the dogs pulled the mouse bait out of the closet where it had been hidden. So then i was worried that some of the poison had been dragged onto the carpet and stuff laying on the floor in the playroom. Playroom now out of bounds until i 'cleaned' it up. Which i did one Saturday morning. We threw out that poison container. I don't like poison where kids play! And the dog must have sniffed it out. Fortunately it is made so that animals and kids can't get at the poison right away. But cleaning that area was another 'BIG EVENT'. It didn't seem to bother Bruce that the dog had dragged the poison out of there. But i kept seeing tiny bits of poison falling out of the container, then being picked up by fingers playing with toys on the floor. (getting a bit creeped out as i write this.)<br />
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Only mouse thing remaining: THE CLOSET. There was some found in the playroom closet (that used to be our bedroom). However it was only found after i was cleaning it out. It was under the shoe rack. Not a problem. Just clean the shoe rack and any shoes on it. Some work, but afterwards, every thing is fine. Except that i had dropped some clothes at least once, and i don't remember whether or not it was in the closet, over the shoe rack. If it was, then some of the clothes parts could have fallen onto the floor, right? Right onto the mouse poop pieces. But i didn't know about that while i was moving the clothes, so i just picked them up from wherever they fell and hung them upstairs in our new bedroom. So when i discovered the 'gift' from the mice, i didn't know what to do. I didn't want to wash ALL the clothes in the closet, as some of them are suits that have to be dry cleaned and if i skipped them, it would be pointless. Not to mention all the extra work of doing so many loads of laundry 'in case' something touched the clothes. So I have just ignored all the clothes in the closet and don't wear them.<br />
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One night i discussed this with my dh and Bruce said that #1. the clothes rack was against the walls of the closet, so no clothes would have gotten behind or beside the rack where the stuff was. # 2. it didn't matter to him anyway. Number 1 i could process. Except the shoe rack was made of wire, not closed boards. But i could see how the clothes would just bunch up on top of the wire or dangle in front, where there was no stuff ( or i'd have seen it laying there). So logically it makes sense to wear the clothes and not worry. Unfortunately i haven't done so yet. Humph.<br />
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Other things happening in the past month: Bruce's dad was very ill- death-bed kind, so we went down to see him. While we were down south we stopped in to see my parents. Which was a good thing because the next Monday ( Oct. 6) my dad passed away unexpectedly in his sleep. So we spent the week in Burlington. I presented the eulogy/ life sketch of my dad because i couldn't sleep Monday night and spent the night writiing one in my head, while trying to fall asleep! So i figured, might as well use it. Good thing I've gone to Toastmasters, as i have learned to be comfortable with standing and introducing myself and having people looking at me.<br />
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Then the next week i found out that someone had gotten hold of my credit card numbers or something and went on a night out in Toronto. So i had to deal with that. Then last Sunday one of our dogs was puking all over the living room all day. Monday she had surgery. They found sharp pieces of plastic in her stomach that had cut the gut in many places. That will cost us over 2 grand! And the dog is 10 or 11 yrs old! So she has been at the vet's all week, but is making good progress. So what will be this week's event? Add cloudy, rainy gray days to all this and my month has kind of sucked. <br />
<br />Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-58379708149267318522014-10-03T16:50:00.000-04:002014-10-05T14:40:02.382-04:00OCD Conference in Connecticut- FREE!! With Lunch Included!I received an email today from Lauri at OCDCT.org. She asked if i would promote their conference. So here goes:<br />
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FOR INDIVIDUALS WITH OCD AND FAMILY MEMBERS </div>
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JOIN US! </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
SATURDAY </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
OCTOBER 18, 2014 </div>
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9:00 AM - 2:00 PM </div>
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CHILD STUDY CENTER </div>
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TOPICS INCLUDE: </div>
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OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: </div>
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WHAT IS IT & WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?</div>
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DR. CHRISTOPHER PITTENGER, M.D., Ph.D. </div>
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DR. MICHAEL BLOCH, M.D., M.S. </div>
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COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY (CBT) &</div>
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EXPOSURE RESPONSE PREVENTION (ERP): </div>
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WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE & WHY DOES IT WORK? </div>
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AMY CAWMAN, LCSW </div>
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BREAKOUT SUPPORT GROUP SESSIONS FOR </div>
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ADULTS, TEENS </div>
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AND FAMILY MEMBERS</div>
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DR. CHRISTINA TAYLOR, Ph.D., </div>
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DR. DIANE SHOLOMSKAS, Ph.D., </div>
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HEIDI GRANTZ, LCSW </div>
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DR. DENIS SUKHODOLSKY, Ph.D. </div>
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AMY CAWMAN, LCSW</div>
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For more info go to <a href="http://www.ocdct.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/Living-With-OCD-Flyer-REALLYFINAL.pdf"> </a> <a href="http://www.ocdct.org/">http://www.ocdct.org</a>/ to register.</div>
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I won't be attending as i live at least a 10 hour drive away- In another country, to boot. But I wish my family could go.</div>
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This would be a wonderful event to take along those family members who don't know much about ocd and are to busy to read up on it. They would get good information and this may help them to help the person with ocd. At least it would put OCD in the realm of medical disorder, and out of imaginary illness.</div>
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Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-8580536106565312842014-09-07T00:17:00.002-04:002014-09-07T00:17:40.839-04:00This Week Was Exam Week<br />
This week we found out we had mice. We live in the woods, so I guess that's not completely unheard of. But we have 2 dogs- and one of them likes to catch chipmunks. So you'd think the mice would just stay away. It's not like there isn't any meadow, grass or woods outside our house. There's tons of it, in fact. The mice can have most of it. I just want the part where the house and garage are. That's not too much to ask, is it?<br />
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Friday when we found the 2nd batch of mouse droppings in an ice cream bowl left on the couch (around 5 pm, naturally, so everyone has gone home for the weekend), we were told by some pest controller to check under the stove- that's where they really like to hibernate. Yup, sure enough there was evidence there, so Sat. was cleanup the kitchen day.<br />
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Also known as Exam- part 1. Because that is one of my big, big triggers. Anything black that i don't recognize, or that doesn't have wings somewhere on it gets 'mouse dropping' as first go-to idea. So now that it's real- do i throw out all the cabinets? I did that 5 years ago when we were moving into this house. The owners had just left all the evidence (hidden conveniently by dish liquid and other bottles under the sink. I got so upset that i just threw the drawers into garbage bags and out they went onto our front lawn- literally. That was a 10 grand ocd expense, but when we had the cupboard guys put in new ones we asked for backings, so there is no moving from place to place, drawer to drawer, should there ever be mice again. Also because there were mouse pellets in the drawers where their utensils and everything were, i was afraid they had contaminated themselves, left the house to go to work etc. and picked up their mail on the way from the community box and the end of the street. Thus the mailbox was also contaminated. ( Touching that mailbox and the mail inside became my first ERP about a year later.)<br />
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And i have to say that that worked. No mice droppings in the food cupboards. Just under the stove and in the cheap pantry cupboards we had, whose doors wouldn't even close properly. In fact, there were only spots on the bottom shelves of each pantry. The mice had put some popcorn bits on one side of the pantry and some chewed up dog food on the other side. This was a mouse storage room. That's not too good!<br />
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Bruce cleaned those pantry cabinets and wiped off all the food and other containers (even on the shelves without mouse droppings) and i wiped out other cupboards to see if there was any evidence on those shelves. Fortunately, none, so my cupboards got a good cleaning and like I mentioned above, the mice couldn't get into those cupboards, thanks to their backings.<br />
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Bruce meanwhile, cleaned out the stove drawer, putting the baking pans into the dishwasher if they didn't have any evidence of mice and throwing them out if there was actual stuff in it. Meanwhile i was putting any open or cardboard foodstuff into the cupboards I had just cleaned so the pantries would not give any more food sources to roaming mice. I then washed the floor while Bruce took out the garbage bags and then had a shower.<br />
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So this time i didn't freak out, but in an orderly fashion helped in the cleanup of the kitchen- letting Bruce handle all the really dirty stuff this time, though. So far, i feel that the foodstuff we wiped off is clean enough to open and use. Bruce dumped out any open containers of food- like corn starch, or the coconut bag. <br />
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The really odd thing about this happening this week is that last week we spent time cleaning out the living room, our bedroom and the playroom upstairs, so we could move stuff around. We threw out a ratty couch, and old desk and then turned the upstairs into our bedroom and our bedroom into Katrina's playroom. This meant that all 3 rooms were completely cleaned out, vaccuumed etc. and had most of the furniture moved around. Then our son, Tom, who was home from university and helped out with the heavy lifting, went back to university. This weekend was supposed to be finishing up moving the small stuff like closet stuff and decorating my new bedroom retreat. Instead we found evidence of mice in the kitchen the day before he left. But since there wasn't any evidence on the floor, just on the table and in the popcorn bowl left on the table, we wondered if it was some other thing. We really didn't want it to be mice! Bruce put paper on the kitchen table to see if there would be more black pellet thingies the next day, but there werent. We didn't eat on that table the rest of the week! And Saturday we threw out the table cloth too.<br />
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I didn't throw out the clothes we wore, tho. I used the ' sanitary' setting on the washer for the first time. <br />
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Part 2 of exam: Cleaning the living room up- making sure there isn't any stuff behind the couch (which there wasn't last week when we moved the couch from upstairs to that spot)<br />
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I spent 5 years getting comfortable again, being able to stick my hand down the side of a couch in our house without thinking that there was probably mouse droppings toching anything i pulled up. Ditto for the floor.<br />
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8 years or so ago, i imagined that our couch and living room floor had mouse droppings on them even tho there was no evidence of anything of the sort because we had come home from a friend's place. These people had been helping their son 'clean out' a house, to the studs and from the way they were talking, (to my ocd-freaking mind at the time) this meant that they had been cleaning up mouse droppings. That day they were cleaning up their trailer etc. so MAYBE some of that crud had come to their house, and MAYBE they had sat on their furniture where we sat and MAYBE the livingroom was thus contaminated. I was an internal wreak by the time we left there. I thought we were bringing home mouse droppings by virtue of just being inside their (clean) house. The car was now contaminated because we sat in it, the living room was contaminated because we walked thru it on the way upstairs to the shower. Even after repeated vacuumings and cleanings the couch and under the couch was still 'contaminated' no matter that i never found anything. The carpet around the couch got a daily vacuuming so that was clean, but now the vccuum cleaner was contaminated, as well as the cord. (because the cord was on the contaminated carpet, and by the contaminated shoes. Shoes are contaminated because they get worn outside and thus might have all sorts of stuff on them.<br />
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So compared to back then, i guess this week's dealings are not to bad.<br />
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It's now after midnight and i should probably reread this but living thru it once and then again while writing it down is enough for me. I can't deal with it again. It's after midnight<br />
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Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-12198137357910905282014-08-13T23:04:00.000-04:002014-09-08T13:47:32.034-04:00I did a survey for a University in Australia that wanted to know about the effects of ocd on the family.<br />
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My husband opens and closes the door to the garage when i take out the garbage so i don't get the door knobs dirty (and also so the dogs don't race out). It started so he could watch me as i brought the garbage bag down the stairs so i would be sure it hadn't accidently touched the wall or the railing etc. Or i'd have to clean that spot too. Now i'm pretty good at that and he's just there in case i need a reassurance.<br />
My husband put some clothes that he'd worn as he cleaned the bathroom sink into the 'regular' pile of dirty laundry. I got upset as cleaning the bathroom means the clothes are now 'more dirty' and need to be put straight onto the washing machine so they don't contaminate the rest of the laundry in the pile. He compromised by folding that laundry inside another shirt so i won't have to accidently touch the piece of laundry. I'm working on not thinking that regular laundry piles are 'contaminated' dirty and i need a shower after touching them. So i want actually dirty laundry to not be in the piles for now, until i get used to normal laundry not being contaminated and thus can touch me or a wall without me needing to wash that place or shower. It's a work in progress.<br />
I also have problems with thinking raw food can cross contaminate so i asked my husband to wash his hands after putting the frozen breaded chicken strips in the oven and to not put the contaminated spatula(used to turn the chicken half way thru cooking) on the counter top where I later make popcorn. He wasn't impressed, but washed anyway.<br />
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husband also does a lot of the cooking, esp. when it involves raw meat because i tend to get really anxious so i'd rather not do it. Other times he helps in the kitchen. While i am putting chicken in the pan, he may open the oven or put in some of the spices so i don't have to wash my hands first. Things get done faster that way, and i don't use as much soap. :P<br />
<br />Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-49522590654030903692014-06-25T12:13:00.000-04:002014-06-25T12:25:50.651-04:00Book Review: The Mindfulness Workbook For OCD: A Guide to Overcoming Obsessions & Compulsions Using Mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy <div align="center">
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When I received this book I had 2 different thoughts. The first was that I wanted to actually work thru the workbook, not just read it and comment on it. The second thought was that I figured I'd have to look back at my past to see how this book <em>could</em> or <em>would</em> have helped me with my OCD journey had I had it earlier in my battle. So I worked thru the exercises. Some of them I found I was answering them with past thoughts, like I figured I would. I don't have H-OCD anymore, although I did during my university years. I didn't know then what it was. I had been taught that bad thoughts were sins, so I just felt guilty and tried to keep them out of my mind, or at least way in the back where I could function normally and do my school work. (The workbook talks about using guilt as a ritual in its section on Scrupulosity OCD). </div>
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But then I remembered that I still have a few OCD rituals I do because I haven't yet get managed to eradicate them. They have too many of what I think are 'real' not 'OCD' thoughts. Garbage cans and bags are (sometimes) dirty, right? Laundry is 'dirty' right, especially if I put in towels I used to wipe my hands dry after doing a ritual- they <em>could</em> have any left-over contamination on them. The black marks inside books have to be something disgusting, even if they're not old dried up mouse droppings. Hence, one must wash after touching them- and in the case of garbage or laundry change clothes in case they got contaminated too. So I realized that for at least some of the exercises (the Contamination OCD ones) I could answer with current problems and see how the book helps me. (See <a href="http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2014/06/keeping-my-mind-focused.html">http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2014/06/keeping-my-mind-focused.html</a> for how I used what I learned from this workbook to help me overcome 1 of my remaining contamination fears.) </div>
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The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD is divided into 3 parts. The first discusses the OCD mind and that people with OCD pay attention to thoughts that others either ignore or don't even register that they have. The authors assert that feelings and sensations are just that. Feelings aren't facts and thoughts don't need to be acted upon no matter how intense they are. <br />
They describe my daily life for years: </div>
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'If you live with OCD it's likely that you often wake up feeling guilty and spend your day investigating yourself and trying to find a way of appropriately sentencing yourself for the crime. Or maybe you just feel that something is <em>off</em>.'( pg. 11) </div>
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People can suffer from different thought distortions. They include: Black & White or All or Nothing Thinking, Catastrophizing or Jumping to Conclusions, Magnifying, Discounting the Positive, Emotional Reasoning, Tunnel Vision, Shoulding or Perfectionism, Comparing, Mind Reading, Hyper-responsibility, Magical Thinking. OCD uses these thought distortions to get you to do rituals. It's challenging these types of thoughts that give us the courage to do the next part of Cognitive Therapy- ERP or sitting with the thought and feeling the discomfort instead of performing a ritual. </div>
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They demonstrate how thought records are done- the same as I do, except that they don't rate the mood at the beginning of the exercise and your mood at the end, to see whether your anxiety has decreased. See here: <a href="http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2011/06/i-cant-comment-on-anyones-blog-except.html">http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2011/06/i-cant-comment-on-anyones-blog-except.html</a> or <a href="http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2011/10/my-homework-this-week-is-to-go-to-value.html">http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2011/10/my-homework-this-week-is-to-go-to-value.html</a> for a thought record sample.</div>
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The authors talk about how meditating on your breath helps you strengthen your ability to come back to the present moment rather than being lost in an obsessive thought. <br />
Chapter 3 discusses what people can and can't control and how it's behavior that changes the intensity of the obsessive thoughts. While people with OCD try and try (usu. unsuccessfully) to control their thoughts so everything will go well without having to do rituals, Hershfield & Corboy say that it's behavior that can be controlled. Thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations come and go. While we can control our emotions some of the time, we only have 100% control of our behaviors. When the behavior is changed through Exposure-Response Prevention therapy, ( i.e. you don't do the ritual, but just sit with the dread and emotions until they dissipate), " then your mind has to admit that compulsions are a choice. If that's true, it must mean that the obsessions are not as automatically important as previously assumed. If that's true, then they may not be worth any response..." (p45) Instead of sitting with your obsessive thoughts, sit with that one for a while! </div>
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Then comes the work of listing compulsions that you do or situations you avoid so you don't have to do a ritual, then begin exposing yourself to these one at a time without doing the corresponding ritual. For thought -OCD's or harm OCD, the authors teach a method of imagining that you have acted upon the horrible thought . Then you practice sitting with the emotions and feelings. Over and over until your mind gets bored with the thought and " OCD ...finally falls from exhaustion. You may be sore and mentally bloodied but are the one remains standing in the end. This is because of the reality behind mindfulness: thoughts cannot kill you" (p.53)<br />
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A quote I found very interesting probably because my daughter usually does this to deal with her OCD is found on page 60 as follows: " When you avoid something, you aren't returning a message of safety; you are returning a message of narrowly escaped danger."<br />
Part Two of the book goes into detail about many different types of OCD -even some that are not mentioned very often, or that are usually slipped in under another heading. Their list is as follows: Contamination, Responsibility/Checking, 'Just Right', Harm, Sexual Orientation, Pedophile, Relationship, Scrupulosity and Hyperawareness OCD. Each chapter includes examples, how to use mindfulness and acceptance and thought records to focus on the thoughts and then use Exposure & Response Prevention (ERP) to overcome them.<br />
The last part of this workbook is about how you deal with the OCD diagnosis- advantages and disadvantages of sharing your diagnosis, explaining OCD to others, how to deal with OCD flare -ups and stressors (including hormones) after you have 'finished' your therapy program.<br />
They give on-line and book resources to follow up with. However while giving the American and the British OCD Foundation websites, they omit Canada's which is: <a href="http://canadianocdnetwork.com/">http://canadianocdnetwork.com/</a>. And while they give discussion boards for OCD, they have neglected the blogging world where people with OCD share their journey and struggles living with and overcoming OCD. Just search blogger & OCD. My blog is <a href="http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2014/06/keeping-my-mind-focused.html">http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2014/06/keeping-my-mind-focused.html</a><em></em> Reading others' blogs about OCD was very helpful to me as I didn't feel alone anymore. Personally I found the forum sites I visited 5 years ago very negative and whining, while the bloggers were upbeat and often funny- unless it was a bad day. Hopefully the forums have become more positive and focused on healing too. <br />
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Mindfulness is about seeing that [OCD] pain land on your satellite and accepting it with open arms. Let it wash over you. Let it be rain that slips across you and down a gutter, instead of snow that builds and builds until you are crushed and buried. Let your fear of resisting compulsions be replaced by a curiosity with what's on the other side.' (pg.77)<br />
An excellent workbook that deals directly with OCD.<br />
Disclosure note: I received this copy free from Harbinger Press to do a book review on it.</div>
Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910527796780560606.post-47464131278871976382014-06-12T14:39:00.001-04:002014-06-12T15:16:15.751-04:00Keeping My Mind FocusedI've been reading and working thru a workbook called <strong><em>The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD-</em></strong> book review in progress, coming soon. They really want you to practice focusing on the present/ the task, not on your intense, possibly out-of-control feelings. One of the things the authors say is that: intensity of feelings does NOT equal truthfulness of the thought. I've been thinking on that and the papers-not-floating-into-the-vase experiment I commented on a few days ago. I really want to be able to do laundry without showering or being hyper aware that I'm not touching the laundry bag, washer or clothes except with my hands.<br />
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I've been already not concerned about laundry just strewn on the floor, under the bed etc. because those would be my non-contaminating daughter's or just clothes abandoned due to laziness. The problem comes with the clothes I put into the laundry bags. Sometimes I put towels that I've used to wash hands after doing something I think is contaminating (ie. laundry). So just in case some of the 'contamination' didn't wash off in the water/ soap part, it might have been wiped off in the drying part. So that towel 'might' be contaminated. So far, until last Tues. nothing seemed to blast thru my mind that 'might-be' doesn't equal 'toxic waste'. I also throw damp washcloths etc. in that may have been used to clean up a spill. Actually I often try to put those on the metal parts of the bags (they're 3 cloth bags attached to a metal frame) so they can dry. As I am chucking them onto the bags, I might miss and thus there could be damp laundry stewing in the bags for up to a week. This also equals 'contaminated' in my mind, even tho I've seen no mold coming from that practise yet. This leads me to today's experiment:<br />
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Still wearing pj's, I grabbed the laundry from my daughter's room and shoved it in the machine . Repeat for the laundry pile in our room (sometimes the bags get full and I also tell my husband not to put his pants in the bags because it fills them up too fast.). That was easy. Made sure the laundry touched my clothes.<br />
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Now for the potentially contaminated stuff in the laundry sack. I undid the bag without touching the metal ( that's for next time's ERP) and made sure my pj's touched the bag. I stuffed it in the washer and then put laundry already on the dryer and washer into it. I wiped off the machines -just -in case- my usual routine- and went upstars to wash up. So far so good. Didn't feel contaminated at all. Just a twinge of dread. But off course I hadn't done anything yet. I still could just throw my pj's in the laundry, have a shower and be just fine. But I didn't. I washed my hands to the elbows and then the dread started. "But you want to use a towel and throw it in the laundry- just-in-case, right" says OCD. " DO NOT use the towel on the rack." I caved in and listened. I let my hands air dry. <br />
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But then I started pushing back. I was thirsty and picked up a cup with a bit of water left in it. At this point I could just put it on the counter with the dirty dishes, but I didn't. I went to the fridge, opened it and got some more water. The hard part about this is that even after the dread leaves, I remember what I've touched and so, I often have to stomp out more OCD thots later on. Sometimes I just cave in, if I'm not feeling energetic enough to do battle again. I let the fridge door touch my pj's and came to work on this blog. I just touched my shirt all over to make sure I couldn't tell myself later that my pants barely touched any dirty laundry-that I held it in my arms against my shirt and thus the computer didn't get contaminated.. <br />
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While writing this down (which takes time because my curser jumps all over the keyboard so I keep having to redo what I've written), the dread has left. The next 'dread' spike will come when I throw my pj's on the perfectly clean bed. Which brings me to another point made in 'The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD' and that is this: Perfection is an impossible state to continue in. Once you've 'reached' perfection, the only place from there is down. So a just-clean shirt can only get dirtier! Perfection is a false goal... an OCD goal, that can never be attained, only OCD fails to say that part.<br />
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So I'm now supposed to go throw my pj's on the bed and pick them up tonight and wear them and sleep where I threw them. I'm soooo tempted to let that go till the next ERP but that will just stretch out the agony. Remember, Karin, intensity of feelings does not equal truthfulness of feelings.. Repeat. <br />
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Update:<br />
Not only did I put my pj's on the bed, but I laid in it first & I touched my library book (oh no!) and my breathing mask. Had a shower and didn't wash the faucet handle before I came out - 1st recontamination. Had a drink and came on the computer -2nd recontamination, 3rd recontamination. <br />
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One thing I noticed is the more I paid attention and focused on what I was doing (ie drying off) the louder that is and the quieter OCD and dread were. Which maked it easier to continue what I was doing and ignore ocd. <br />
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Also, what I thought I'd never be able do- not worry when I'm doing laundry (once upon a time, long ago, before contamination OCD hit, laundry was my favorite chore.) I am hopeful that one day I can do again! Up until now, I thought that my new laundry routine was just a 'scar' from having ocd, it doesn't take up much extra time but it'll always be different than it was. Now, maybe not.<br />
<br />Karinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17182813079850508907noreply@blogger.com1