I decided to do the laundry after 7 tonight, so if I screwed up, I would be able to have a shower and count it for an evening shower, not a 2nd shower for the day. I reread my thought record- the alternative thots and kept a mantra going: 'its not toxic dirt….' I also decided that if I still needed to screw something up before my last therapy session on Monday so I’d be able to talk it out, that would be ok too. I picked up the pile of laundry from katrina’s room. So far ok. That’s not usually a problem. Got the laundry from our room. Got the towels from the bathroom that needed washing. Loaded up machine. Then remembered the ‘toxic’ laundry hanging on the drying rack from the ymca weeks ago when I touched the shower curtain that had black spots on it. I decided that was nonsense, grabbed the towels and swim suit and threw them into the laundry too. Detergent went nicely in the machine. I still have about 10 loads to go before this bottle runs out and I can get a clean bottle to go along with my now ‘clean’ dirty laundry. Then I may have less problems if I accidently touch something after touching the detergent. I know I could just wipe off the bottle but that may not make it anti-dirty. Maybe next time. This time I just wanted to get everything done. Wiped the floor, stuck the paper towels into the garbage bag and washed my hands. All done. All happy.
I felt funny- like dirty after washing my hands. I didn’t want to touch my library books or my nice warm fuzzy robe I wear to stay warm and cozy in . We started getting KD ready for bed. Out of nowhere she ran over and grabbed my shirt and when I questioned that she hugged me. So much for ocd. I had to get over it fast. I did feel awkward for a few seconds while Bruce tugged her away from me. I went to hug her and let her know it was ok. We got in her bed together and I read to her for a little while.
Jan. 17. Yesterday was my last day of therapy!!!! My counsellor thinks i'm ready, and so do I...sort of. I'm excited and happy- it's been a long hard journey- but also nervous because this doesn't mean that ocd has disappeared, only that i am now capeable of dealing with it as it happens and with cbt and act tools, before it gets too far.
Erp today involved me putting some stuff in the kitchen garbage can and because the bag hasn’t been pushed all the way down, the paper garbage is settling near the top. A Kleenex rolled off the garbage over the can edge (that I’d cleaned just yesterday cause it was garbage night) and onto my sock/ maybe pantleg. What to do? Change pants? I didn’t want to. I wiped my leg/ sock off with a handful of water but that didn’t seem to do it. So I sat with my leg sticking off the couch. After a while I decided that nothing was wrong with the pants/ sock (show me the dirt). and I am now sitting with my legs crossed on the couch.