Sunday, February 10, 2013

Just 1 Step Away From Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

That 's what my husband seems to think.  Or maybe he's like me... just waiting for something to go 'dread'-fully wrong.  I wonder if I'll wake up one day and realize that I've been letting OCD creep back into my life one little decision at a time.

Friday I was cold and so was wearing this fluffy robe over my clothes.  I was picking up some paper garbage to put in the garbage can and just laid them on the kitchen table instead.  Later, I added a banana peel and something else to this little pile.  I forgot about it until Bruce came home and he put it in the garbage for me.  I apologized for leaving it there and he made some comment about how I have a problem using a garbage can!

Yes, I DID, once, long long ago, over a year ago, have this problem. Three or 4 years ago I refused to put anything in a garbage can, just leaving it in piles on the table for Bruce to do it.  I believed that dropping something into a garbage can would send contaminated air back up to hit me.  I could use open ones where I would stand back and just toss something in it.  After awhile I could put stuff in the garbage can but then have to wash my hands right afterwards.  Then, I worked on that problem.  It is not a problem anyore.  see:

Back to Friday.  I was just being lazy and didn't want to have my robe touch the garbage can.  It was clean garbage I left on the table.  So the first thing that jumps into his head is how things were 4 years ago.  Thanks!

Will I always be just one step from full-blown OCD?  I hope i can be lazy once in a while and not have this mean I am going backwards, or am i kidding myself?  Vigilence 24/7  for the rest of my life sounds like a prison sentence. 

I   read a quote today on Lolly's blog: Lolly's hope.  It says: 

Stop being afraid of what could go wrong,
and focus on what could go right! 


I needed that today!  Thanks Lolly! 

Last week was a busy week.  I am finished with my anxiety group (this could be where some of my concern is coming from as now I have no 'professional' help if I need it. ) and am in a healthy living program.  I found out that this is a 3 days a week commitment for 4 months to go 2ce a week to the exercise class at the local pool and once a week to a fitness class.  They are monitoring all sorts of stuff from  my weight to how many push-ups i can do in a row (easy- 0 ).  From a once a week meeting to 3 exercise classes a week that tire me out is a very big change in routine. I keep telling myself that last week was the first week and I will get used to it one day at a time.  


  1. You ask a question that I ask myself, Karin--am I one step away from full-blown OCD? I don't think it's one step from going all the back to when OCD was at its worst, but I do think OCD can sneak in anytime. But I think that's where the tools we've gathered can help. We might have an OCD episode, but we know better how to deal with it than we used to. So we can deal with it and go on.

    I get tired of being vigilent all the time, too. I think once we have more confidence in our ability to deal with what comes up, it will be easier to "let go" of some of that hyper vigilence.

    The healthy living group sounds helpful. I need to be in a group like that! I hope as time goes on you'll get used to the extra days in the schedule. Good luck! :-)

  2. Holy cow, I just wrote a comment on Tina's blog post about how hard it is to move forward, but how easy it is to slip backwards. It is easier for me to "nip it in the bud" when I see I'm going back into an old compulsion rather than let it gain strength. But it is never "easy" and I too get so tired of having to deal with OCD every day.
    I had that same garbage can compulsion: I had a piece on tin foil I laid on my kitchen counter and I put all the garbage on so I could throw it away all at once and not be washing my hands every time I threw something in the garbage can. That was so long ago (20 plus years) that I forgot I even did that. I do remember how I got over it though. My youngest daughter was born and I used disposable diapers which I didn't want to lay on the counter so I had to throw them in the garbage and had to attend to the baby afterwards without a 10 minute hand wash. I was doing an ERP at the time without even knowing what an ERP was.
    Yea, the healthy living group sounds fantastic.

  3. Hey Karin. Oh, I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I ask myself these same questions ALL THE TIME. So frustrating. I don't think we can be vigilant 24/7. I just don't think anyone can keep up that type of effort, it's just not possible. I do get lazy quite often and I get tired of fighting sometimes. I think the important thing is just to keep an eye on yourself and if you see yourself slipping back then it's time to work on that particular issue. But it is hard. Hugs.

  4. Perceived stress in obsessive–compulsive disorder is related with obsessive but not compulsive symptoms