Friday, January 18, 2013

OCD Goal For the Day

I went to my first official Toastmaster's meeting Wed. night.  I was a LOT more nervous and anxious than I thot I'd be.  After all, I'd been there as a guest 3 or 4 times.  I'd even participated at those times and found it not too bad.

But this was 'official'.  Now I was one of the group.  I don't know why or how I manage to make these things so stressful to me!!!  We had to give a one minute speech about 'new' and besides not remembering a word the 3 people ahead of me said (which was awkward as we then had to rate the best topic speakers), I only managed 20 seconds - yes they time it too! 

The sane part of me says that now I have a base point from which I can measure my improvements and that as humans the learning curve is not all fun and games.  The irrational side is just wondering why I want to do such a thing in the first place! That since I'm only a few years from 50 and am NOT planning to lead any companies or churches, the probablity that someone will come to my house and ask me to give a speech is rather remote!  But Karin just can't let it be.  She's a twit that for some reason  decides to do awful things  -and even PAYS people for the privilage of doing these things instead of just enjoying life within the pages of her books.

 (See what I have to deal with??!)

They- the writer of the agenda for next meeting wanted me to give my first speech at the next meeting.  I managed to volunteer to give the 'word of the day' instead, where rather than making up a speech about my life, I only have to find a really cool word and give the definitions. Something I can handle... except the perfectionist part of me which is already wondering which word would be 'perfect' for the evening.  Which word is going to 'wow' them all.

I think this club will be good for me for more than I origionally thot it would!

Now for the topic of the day:  ERP

Thot Record that will hopefully calm me down.

Note;  Bruce phoned my dad to see when their last mouse episode was and according to Bruce it was a while ago.  I felt better for a few minutes. Then the 'reassurance' thing hit.  Maybe I should call my dad and hear it again?  I didn't want to call myself in case he tells me all sorts of info that will just rev up my already freaked out mind.  I figured Bruce could give me the watered- down version- just the facts.  I am NOT going to call my dad myself, or Bruce for that matter for reassurance... BUT I REALLY REALLY WANT TO!

Situation:   My dad sent me some dvds he made so I can watch them.  I think he also wants feedback,
                  so I can't just throw them away.  Also sent me a card which is now on the table under
                  some pokemon cards and headphones.  So I can't touch that stuff either.  The disks fell off the couch onto the floor where they have now contaminated a book from a Goodreads giveaway that I am supposed to read and review.  At first when I got the package I was OK with it.  OCD hit in about 5 min. later, after the stuff was already on the couch and table.

Mood:  96%  anxiety and fear

Automatic thots:  MICE  (what else!)  Dad had mentioned they'd had mice in our last phone
                   conversation, but didn't mention exactly WHEN, so was it a week ago??  What if he
                   cleaned up the mouse stuff and didn't SHOWER after wards, but ONLY washed his
                   hands??  Am I contamination my house/ stuff?

Rational thots:  I guess washing hands after cleaning up mouse stuff is probably sufficient.  (notice
                   how little i agree with that statement :).  Bruce said it happened a while ago and anyway
                   none of it happened near the dvd recorder.  Dad also opened a new cylinder of disks to do
                   this with too.  I bet Fantine (of Les Mis) never worried about mice- she had bigger
                   worries than that!

Mood now:  anxiety  86%  but i will do it anyway.

Please, someone, save me from this illness!!!


  1. Karin, you are so funny--I enjoy your sense of humor! You might not be able to "just let it be," but you are pushing yourself to get out there and do things that scare you, and you will grow stronger because of it.

  2. Thanks, Tina. I just finished putting the post up. I still have to actually DO the erp now. By making it funny, I am trying to tone the anxiety down to do this thing.

  3. I don't know why there are so many breaks in the post. It didn't look like that on the writing version so I don't know how to fix it. Sorry.

  4. Sorry your first official toastmasters meeting was so stressful. Hopefully it will become less so as you get to know the people and feel more comfortable talking in front of them.

  5. Karin, I didn't know about toastmasters until your blog post where you mentioned them and I googled them. This is really a big step for you to join them! You are very courageous!

  6. Karin, I can't tell you how proud I am of you for not calling your dad even though you really wanted to. I KNOW how hard that is, but YOU ARE DOING IT!!!! I also think it is awesome that you are doing Toastmasters. I know that you don't see any potential speaking engagements in your future, but I really think you could look at this like an ERP, because if you work on anxiety in one area of your life, I find that it affects (minimizes) anxiety in other areas of your life.

    Oh, I like the updated look of your blog too! I used to have this background-really loved it.