Things have been pretty good around here lately. Over the March Break we went back down south for a few days. Hotel living!! My idea of fun. Because there is very little cooking or cleaning to attend to and Katrina is getting old enough that entertaining her in a hotel room is getting less stressful.
Things I noticed on the trip:
When we parked things on the tables in the hotel I didn't have to tell Bruce : oh, don't put that here, that spot has ocd" or " Don't use that/ touch that' etc. How nice not only for me (yeah) but for the other 2 who don't have to cater to my weird ideas and orders.
I showered and didn't worry about touching the shower walls, which means that that erp DID really work because last year up in Moosonee, i was freaking out with every different shower at each hotel we were at. Here at home, I still get the thots: 'you touched the wall/ curtain' which i can then choose to ignore, or do something about. I expect these thots because i spent so much time avoiding my shower walls, but didn't expect the thots at hotels so i'm glad that's over with.
I didn't worry about touching remotes or curtains etc. I drove Bruce's van without freaking out about where that steering wheel has been.
Today was my first day of anxiety class. It's a weekly program where they review CBT techniques.
So I get into my car and the first thing i notice is the breaks are squeaking. 'Great, another bill'. But it goes away as the car warms up. A few minutes later I smell something odd. Naturally, I'm now sure the car is on fire except another part of my brain is saying: 'ocd, ocd'. So which part do I believe? My sneaking suspicion is ocd is trying to freak me out. I keep driving and the funny smell goes away. When I get to the building I park the car, and check the engine by sniffing around the front wheel and wind shield area. See, I COULD open the hood, but that would be 'checking' and anyway if I touch the hood I might have to wash my hands afterwards and I don't want to do that. So sniffing around like a dog is a much better plan. :P
So OCD is now stopping me from doing an ocd check.
I decide that if the car is actually burning, someone else will be noticing it soon enough and calling the fire department for me. So I went in for my meeting.
I first had to meet with the facilitator which meant that it was a half an hour before the rest of the group show up. And guess what, NO ONE comes in with the news that there is a burning car in the parking lot. So far so good.
The meeting is mostly talking about how each person dealt with their anxiety this week. I was told I didn't have to participate, so I didn't say anything. Except feeling anxious that I might have dropped some vinegar on my pants yesterday as I was doing the laundry and then (after NOT changing my pants ) telling OCD to shut up and the 'fire' episode this afternoon, I didn't have much to say.
The lesson was on doing thought records. The leader was re- explaining the difference between a thot and a mood (feeling). Lots seemed confused still. That's how I felt when I first tried to do them so it's nice to know I'm not the only one! Then we were to write out a thot record and my anxiety came back. I've written lots, but they still confuse me .
It was mentioned that thought records help up become our own therapists because we learn to dig below the feeling or thoughts to get to the 'hot thought' and then give ourselves evidence that it's NOT true.
Of course, if I could figure out why it's not true, I wouldn't be having the problem in the first place!! So I used to ask my couseller for the answers to that section until I finally could figure some of them out on my own.
When I went into the parking lot after the meeting, my car was still there, all safe and sound.
But my vacation from ocd work is now over.