Sunday, November 13, 2011

Wed.  I get up early to put KD on the bus.  I entertained the thought of just driving her myself but decide that getting up is better.   I put the garbage cans away.  But the branch under which the can is sitting tapped me on the head, just like it did the night before when i put it there. Off spouts ocd:  ug, now your hair’s dirty; because even tho it rained the twig is dirty from yesterday(since i touched it while i was doing a dirty job) so now you need to wash it.  I’d love to say I ignored ocd, but I didn’t.  I washed my hair.  When I calmed down, later, I could see that just maybe, ocd was wrong…Not completely convinced.  See how every day becomes an anxiety-filled day just by doing what others do normally without thought?   .

Thurs.  A busy day:  Put KD on the bus (that’s 2 days in a row!!)  and didn’t fall asleep again afterwards.  Worked on the accounts. Only 1 ½ months left of self-imposed poverty and that mastercard will be paid off. Cross my fingers.  Then I can put some more expensive fun back into our lives.  Why are mistakes so easily made and the fixing of said mistakes so hard?  Went to the library in the afternoon and as I was putting the trunk down I touched the car and ocd saw his opportunity and jumped on it:  you may have touched the black, stripey,stuff that’s all over the car. It MIGHT be mold as it looks fuzzy.  So now you better wash your hands before you touch anything”  So I trudged into the library (without touching the doors) and went to the bathroom like a nice obedient girl.  I put my bags down and washed my hands.  Relief, for a second. 
 As I picked the bags up ocd barked: your dirty hand touched the handles of the bag as you put them down’.  Now what?  Forget washing the bag.  How about just forget ocd??  So I did.  I gave back the library books and signed out a new one for KD.  Still feeling dread but having some time to kill before having to pick up KD for gymnastics, I found a book to read and sat down.  Try reading with ocd DREAD in the back of your mind.  Fortunately for me I have had years of experience with that.  After around a half hour- 45 min.   the dread went away!!  By the time I left the library I was feeling ok about having NOT washed the bag but having used it to hold more books that were NOT OCD-filled.  I went to the school, picked up KD, talked to the secretary, and drove to gymtrix all without ocd bugging me.  Afterwards KD and I went to value village for my next erp.  She touched all the toys ( it seemed to me) and I was sort of ok with it- some of them were pretty dirty; I guess they don’t clean those. I found a game i liked but it was right beside an old really worn-out box that held a glass chess set.  Ocd sprung in knowing exactly what to say:     ‘ ha, that chess set probably belonged to some old guy and his family finally cleared out his house and it probably was in some dingy corner of the basement where mice lived and now you touched the box beside it.  DUMB, DUMB, DUMB.'
  But since I had just dealt with ocd a few hours before and won, I wasn’t giving in so easily this time.  So I just thought about it.  My answer to ocd was:  I bet it DID belong to some old guy, who loved playing chess and bought himself a glass set because he enjoyed playing and I bet he put the set away in that box every time and put it on a shelf in his living room or den for the next time he wanted to play.  And now he cant play so his family gave it to the store.’  That MIGHT be true.  Just as true as ocd’s story. It bought me enuf time to say shut up to ocd, take KD’s hand and leave the store.  (Success# 2) 
Later KD wanted some water, but the container in the fridge was nearly empty, so I had to go  to the tap in the kitchen and use it.  I didn’t want to because I knew that I ‘shouldn’t’ wash my hands after filling the cup but I REALLY wanted to.  So much for the erp I’d done on that one a few weeks ago.  I told myself to shut up, and went back upstairs after shutting the tap off without washing and touched my computer.  If I touch my computer that means I have decided I am clean enuf and after a few minutes I noticed that my ‘ew’ feelings had gone away.  (# 3)  I was tired that night and went to bed a little earlier knowing that I would have to get up again the next morning, early.

Friday:   got up at 7:40, saw that we were going to be too late for the bus and crawled back in bed.  KD was so upset she missed the bus.  I drove her to school and then had breakfast.  I felt so tired I   fell asleep on the couch.  I woke up 4 ½ hours later!!!  Wow, sleeping all day, again.  Don’t know if I should beat myself up for that or just say well, it was a stressful day thurs. fighting ocd.  But either way it doesn’t matter.  I did it and can’t undo it now.
Sat. was fairly ocd free- even at the skating rink where my coat and gloves fell all over the bleachers people both sit AND walk on.  I hadn't skated in a VERY long time- 8-10 yrs.  It is NOT as easy as getting back on a bicycle, that's for sure.  So KD was learning how to skate by using a contraption the arena had, and i was relearning how to skate.  
Sun.   Still not too keen on the idea that the mop handle is 'clean' and i can bang it against my head, but there is a tiny crack of doubt- that maybe, just maybe it might be ok.  I can't see myself touching my hair with it and sitting with the dread, but maybe that's what i'll have to do...only after i clean the handle tho, LOL. 
 Thinking i should do the floor again today, just to 'get back on the horse' but i already have to clean the bathroom.  Which is why i'm here writing a blog instead.  Time to get out the dancing music to help me get started.


  1. I would llllloooovvvve a day to just lay on the couch and sleep. Unfortunately these days I can't sleep really at all. My perfectionism gets in the way with me being able to just have a "down day". Too many things on my to do list! Keep battling the OCD - I am inspired by your determination!!!

  2. Try melatonin. My counselor suggested this because i have a tendancy to lay in bed and ruminate. Its found in the vitamin section of the drug store. i take 10 mg a night, but i think that's a pretty hi dose. i take it about a half hour before bed. i know it is working when i start yawning! It's a natural supplement, but you can ask your doctor or pharmasist if it's ok to take with your meds.

    i keep saying it's ocd ( all the time and energy it takes to battle it or to do the rituals )or the drugs that make me so tired ( i can now sleep 10+ hours a night) but i don't really know for sure. Maybe it's just that i'm 'safe' in bed/ on the couch asleep and don't want to get up and battle ocd.

  3. Those are great exposures, and it's awesome when you can see the anxiety go down and the OCD back away and remember that you've done it once and you can do it again.

    Touch the mop, touch the mop!

  4. Congrats on getting your credit card paid off in 1.5 months! That is awesome! I completely agree with you... mistakes are quick and easy but the clean up takes a long time. I am going thru this with my credit card at the moment but I've got until around March before I'll be paid off.

  5. Elizabeth, no, it's been a whole year of trying but everytime it goes down a bit another bill (insurance, car repair etc.) shows up to put it back up again. So it's hard paying off the balance from last year, because stuff keeps happening- and also i was not that committed at the beginning. I figured it would somehow just happen- ha ha. After July i started cutting back stuff: eating out, you know, the fun stuff, hoping that THAT would make a difference. i'm also not throwing out as much and not using as many paper towels because of ocd as i used to, so that helps. Once upon a time i used to use -and wash- rags instead of paper towels. Then contamination -ocd hit.