Wednesday, June 08, 2011

2 steps forward, 1 step back.

I went out clothes shopping and to the library.  For both those places i needed my wallet.  I didn't touch it until i was at the cash register and i needed tp pay.  I pulled it out of my pocket as if everything was normal ( don't want to make the cashier think i'm weird), paid and left the store.  Ditto for getting my library card out later on.  And i wasn't even that anxious.  I was a tad UPSET that i wasn't anxious.  Anxiety/guilt is so much a part of my life i feel weird when i don't have it.  Also that little voice starts going:  maybe you don't REALLY hace ocd.  Maybe you're making it  all up.  My rational mind says that's crazy and anyway that's my GOAL to not have anxiety when faced with a spike.  So i am glad i got off so easy.  i think it's the analytical part of me that wants to know WHY i felt ok.  That part must be in cahoots with Ocd and until it switches loyalties again i will just have to NOT listen to that either.
(Great, now i have 2 buggers living in my head:  Ocd and Analyzer!  A few more of those and i can  have parties in there. snort:)

It's frustrating that i can't handle variations in routines very well.  For example Bruce (husband)  decided to BACK the van into the garage.  No big deal, right.  Wrong.  My mind starts going: now KD (daughter) has to get out and walk all the way around the car to the door.  Will she touch anything on the way?  She LIKES to touch things as she's moving.  Will she bump into the garbage can beside the door?  It took me half the winter just to get comfortable with using the garage for parking the car and being ok with thinking the garage is clean enuf for that.  Now it changed.  and my anxiety radar was not pleased.  Bruce stooped doing that, but i guess he should be still doing it so i get used to it and don't care anymore.

What a pain in the butt ocd is. 

Also i am down to  1 pill a night.  i used to take 4 clomipramine a night ut in the past few months have been tapering off.  hopefully i won't be so tired and blah. Or is it the constant figuring out of how to do the minutia of the day that makes me tired?

Next Ocd challenge: if clothes in the clean laundry smell musty because i guess they weren't dried long enuf, then sat overnight in the dryer, are they moldy? or is it just a smell problem?  Should i be concerned?  Is the whole basket-load now contaminated?  For years and years i never had this problem because i always hung my clothes to dry.  That's what i mean by a new routine.  Now i have to answer questions that weren't an issue before i got this germ/contaminating part of ocd.  And bruce jusr thinks i'm weird.  or maybe i can just smell too much.  that has been a problem since KD'S pregnancy 6 yrs ago.  it will hopefully go away over the next few years.  cant even wear perfume!

1 comment:

  1. If you read any of the other bloggers the "What if I don't really have OCD?" is sooooo common. I also struggle with a change in routine.