Garbage cans revisited.

I did it again.  Acted without thinking of the consequences.  Big Ocd no no. 


Situation:   Dogs saw the neighbor dog outside so we went over there to play for a few minutes.  Not a problem usually.  But today was garbage day so the neighbor was putting her garbage can and recycle bins back where they belonged.  I do believe she patted Zoe.  Because Zoe sticks herself in front of any and everybody to get patted.  She was also right by their recycle bin.  I dropped the leash and it fell about 2 inches from the bin.  I thot I had to clean it but when I got closer noticed it wasn't touching anything but the driveway.  Whew!


But did the dog touch the bin?   Did the lady touch the dog?  Must I wipe down the dog?  I don't want to (I'm lazy)  but I don't want the whole house contaminated with garbage germs.  I don't hardly let the dogs touch our clean recycle bin in the house!  Bruce puts a bag into it and then washes his hands and I take the bag of recycle stuff out and throw it into the outside bin on garbage day.
 
Funny thing tho- the dread isn't very loud.  It's mostly " you've never liked this before, why now?'
So I rate this a 60/100 even tho it should be 110/100.  This confuses me but the calm I feel is fine with me.


I called Bruce and asked him what he would do if it were just him and the dog living alone- would he wipe off the dog?  He says no.  He says the outside of the garbage cans aren't dirty except maybe dusty.  I have noticed the garbage men don't usu.. throw the whole container in the truck (that's gros) so the situation is better than it could be.  BTW, the dogs are outside enjoying the sunshine so I have time to think this thru.  I really want to just forget it and go on my way but I don't want to feel upset later on when I see the dog in the house or being patted by someone who then touches the fridge etc.  Because sometimes I get a delayed OCD reaction.  I think everything is ok, but then go wash the fridge etc. and finally the dog after the damage has been escalating.  So I don't want to overreact to these calm feelings, which could just be my lazy -don't-clean feeling that then gets superceded later by dread.


So I'm going to imagine Kat touching the dog an then touching her computer etc. See how that feels.
Not too bad. 


Picturing myself touching the dog- more intense dread feelings. I'll sit with this one for awhile.  While I'm imagining this I keep having ' no one else cares. Why should you care' thots running thru my head.  Over the 'eww gross, I'm kissing the dog's head right where she was probably touched'' thots also going on.-  I guess those are the ' reasons against or balancing reasons' on the proverbial thot record method of examination I've been taught.


And the verdict is:  touch the dog and see what happens.  Then touch 1 thing and see what happens.  Then touch -  ooh I'm getting resistance now, just thinking about going that far.  Up to this point I could still wash everything if needed but touching more than 1 thing means I've made the decision.  I think dread will happen at that point.


OK here's the results:  I went out and patted the dog all over so I couldn't tell myself that I 'might have missed where she was touched by 'garbage can hands'.  Then I closed the door, touching the handle- so far ok.  Then I touched the broom handle, still ok.  Then I touched the art canvas that one of the birthday party kids might use.  Not so ok- what if I contaminate someone else?  That's not nice.  Put the contaminated canvas on top of other things- Katrina's origami book, some ribbon etc.  That would be hard to want to wash all that off.  Not too bad. Touched the fridge door but didn't touch the water spigot.  guess I'm a bit unsure still.  Went to the bathroom and brushed and hairsprayed my hair.  Not sure if I want to touch the hairspray can again.  Brushed my teeth and washed my hands.  Went back out and touched the broom to re-contaminate myself and am now at the computer.  I think it's fine. 


I am supposed to go to my exercise class now so i'll have to bring the dogs in and leave without washing up.  Anxiety is going up as I think about it but it's not too bad.   I think I can push thru that.  Wish me luck!


Evening Update:


I did all that, came home from exercising and was only a bit hesitant about touching everything I contaminated.  The problem with noting the items is that it makes it harder to touch them because they are now noticeable.  While I got back in my car after exercising with no problems, (it wasn't on the LIST)  I did have a twinge of 'ick' before touching the fridge. 


Oh, and just after 5 pm I fell asleep til 7:30.  So I guess it all tired me out!  We don't have a tv to vegg in front of and Katrina wanted to use my computer.  I was too tired to read once I finished reading to her, so my default event is sleeping.  I'll have to take a melatonin pill tonight to get to sleep at a decent hour or i'll probably be up til 3 am.

Pre Art- Party Fun

I believe in trying things out before i have to get a group of kids doing it.  Lesson learned from many years of supply teaching where I'd get this science experiment I was supposed to do with the class and it doesn't work out the way it is supposed to.  And I have to explain what was supposed to happen as well as why it didn't happen.

So these past few days have been trying out the art/ crafts i have found on the internet. 

http://babbledabbledo.com/art-for-kids-cosmic-suncatchers/

I tried it once with lots of glue and once with a thin glue film.  It was fun swirling the drops of food colour around.  Then it had to dry.   The thin one came off thin and wrinkly.  Not something I want to hang on my window. :(   I looked at the one that had more glue and  it worked out quite well.  It took at least 3 days to dry- maybe more, so it's not really good for a party.  It would be quite messy to take home a margarine lid full of coloured glue!.It would be my luck that every car with   one of the party kids will have to stop hard and fast so the glue will spill all over the kid and Katrina would hear about it the next day!  So while I now  have one hanging in my window, we'll do something else.

  So next we got some small sun catchers from the dollar store and my daughter painted one of them.  I had to paint over what she did because she didn't fill in the holes very well, just painted it with lots of streaks, bubbles etc.  They are rather small- 3 inches long and tall.  It worked well tho, so it's on the list of possibilities.

Katrina and bruce did this activity:  http://www.bhg.com/recipe/candy/picasso-pops/

I thought that wax paper would be better than aluminum foil so they did it that way.  The 6 min. suggested made the candy all melted and frothy. They didn't want to peel off the wax paper very well either.  Kat. did like eating them.  She said: ' this is so good.  I am definately doing this at my party!'  Kat. got bored and bruce did the next try- using the aluminum foil.  He only did a 4 minute melt.  They came out pretty.  Now they are cooling.  The fruity hard candy melted into each other more, leaving a more finger-painted look rather than a variety of colours next to each other like on the website page.  After cooling the red/ white mint candy bits came off very easily.  They didn't get runny so they looked more like the candy on the website.  Aluminum foil it is!  ONly takes a few minutes per kid, tho.  On the plus side, no handwashing needed after this artsy activity!

Speaking of finger painting, i tried it with shaving cream.  Put some shaving cream on a paper.  Add food colouring.  Swirl around with fingers.  Wipe of shaving cream off and you have your work of art!  It was fun.  However, wiping off the shaving cream using a ruler ripped the regular paper.  It worked ok on the bristol board tho.  So when I saw some finger painting paper at our local Creative Learning Toy Store, I figured for 6 or 7 bucks it would work better and there'd be plenty of paper left over for Katrina to use during the summer.   Katrina was nervous because she was afraid the dog would lick her hands and get sick from the shaving cream.  I think we used too much cream & too many colour drops.  Not sure whether to do this one.  Kat didn't seem to enjoy it.  I think she'd like it better with edible whip cream.  Can you imagine all the kids licking their papers clean to see the art work under the cream?!  That would be worth a picture!

I found this neat ' self portrait' art class here:
 http://missmancy.com/wp-content/plugins/category-grid-view-gallery/includes/CatGridPost.php?ID=2909

I bought a  12 x16"  canvas already wrapped around wood ($2. at dollar store) to make sure Kat could get her hands and feet painted on.  When i tried it with a regular  8 1/2 by 11'' paper, i got my hands traced but then had to draw on small feet.  It did turn out kind of cool tho!  

Katrina is on an origami kick so we found a simple ninja disk that turns into a star here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcCS86eikJs  

 that is easy enough and repetitive enough that everyone can make it.  And it looks cool!  And you can throw it, if you want!  So this one is in for sure. Oh, and it will take at least 20-30 min. to make.

And finally- marker art! found here:  http://elementaryartfun.blogspot.ca/search/label/Coffee%20Filter%20Circles

We tried these last night and they turned out really well.  It also works if you colour 1 side with the markers, not using dots, then wet it so the print goes thru to the other side and then colour that side using dots.  I found that if you don't use dots on the wet filter all you get is a dried up marker which you then have to lay aside until it re-inks itself.  For whatever reason, dotting your wet filter does not do this.

The dollar store also had cute little bird houses for painting.  I would think this is a straight-forward paint job but you never know, so i bought 1 as a sample for katrina to do at home first. They are the most exp

OCD alert:
   When i was buying the stuff from the dollar store, the lady who was at the checkout was using a broom  to clean their checkout area.  Then she gave the dustpan which she pulled out of nowhere  to the other person in the booth while she was doing MY order!!! Ocd wasn't thrilled but Karin said: it's OK.  It's not a dirty floor or broom or dustpan.  A few years ago i would have had an internal fit and likely went and washed all the stuff when i got home, or threw out the container/ boxes stuff came in if i could.    Unfortunately MY broom and dustpan at home are 'dirty'.  But that could change...

Sent out 11 invitations.  If everyone comes it'll be a house full!

It's Birthday Party Time Again!

Our daughter Katrina is turning 8 in 2 weeks.  Our first plan was to NOT have a party and take the money and pay down our credit card - think cruise costs a lot-  Kat's party last year went wayyyy over budget!  It was a Pokémon party and I went all out with copying pokemon characters off the internet to put over our regular pictures, bot lots of stuff to do activities with and generally had a great deal of fun.  The plan was to put the pic's, the painted pokeball mobile etc. into her room as decorations since her butterfly room was getting babyish.  It took a while but we actually did do that, so I don't feel so badly about the high cost of that party.




Katrina, naturally, has other plans.  She wants a party!   So we decided on an art party.  I figured a few crafts, differently coloured cupcakes and some crafty stuff in loot bags.  We have LOTS of art supplies upstairs from past parties,  that if they got used up and out of my house would be wonderful!  Katrina also has lots of clay for creating things with and legos and other toys for kids to play with when we run out of ideas.




Then I looked up art party on the internet- hoping I'd get an idea or two.  I was shocked at how many people's kids love art parties and all the different foods, crafts, decorations etc.  My eyes started having that 'oooh, this could be FUN' gleam in them.  Bruce told me my budget hoping I'd stay within it.  Snicker :P   Actually, I do plan to not get too overboard.  We're making the cake this year; that will save 30 dollars right there and Katrina likes to bake with her dad!   We need to cull down all the different art activities and snack foods and come up with a couple of art--type activities for those active kids to run around.  I thought of a relay race where they dress up as an artist, run to a paper, draw a flower or something and come back, undress and next one runs.  But that's only 1 game.  Any ideas??   Bruce suggested an obstacle course but I haven't figured out how to make it art-related.  Again- any ideas??




So far I've made a sun catcher out of glue & food colour, finger painted using shaving cream & food colour and done some origami for the ninja star  and bangers (both found on youtube).  So my problem now is to cut out the activities that are more expensive or not working out, as I try them one at a time.


Tonight we are working on the cards.  I scoffed a pile of different coloured paint sample cards, had Bruce cut them in half lengthwise, knotted them together with a link-looking ribbon and put the info on the cards.  Cost:  $1.13 for the ribbon.  Katrina decided she wanted bird post to deliver these cards so she decided to make each one an origami bird to go with it.  So add to that $1. for origami paper, which I bought both for the party and for Katrina's use.  Keeps her entertained too...except that it's bed time now.


-picture of card: I wanted to add in a pic of the card   but I can't seem to get any pictures to get uploaded.  I push the picture button, push the upload button, open the picture I want, it uploads.  I select it to load into the blog and nothing happens- except a circle keeps going round and round on the window.  To close it, after 10 minutes of doing nothing I have to exit the internet.  I just don't get computers some days. 










Ocd news:  yest. I went to my exercise class but instead of wearing my gym shoes, I picked them up and carried them.  Doesn't sound like much, I know, but I still remember when I just HAD to wash my hands if I touched my shoes.  I didn't believe in laces anymore cause that meant touching my shoes.  I still like slip-ons just for laziness sake, and have for years but now I can - again- stick my figure into my heel to put my shoes on, or horrors!  pick shoes up by the heel, carry them outside, put them ON the seat of the car and without washing, drive the car to the gym, put them on and do my exercising.  A small thing, but oh so significant to me!  I remember when I couldn't stand having anyone's shoes accidently go on top of mine (think a pile of shoes just haphazardly thrown in a pile) at a party in case they had crud on their bottoms which would then magically get on my shoes and contaminate them.




My daughter is slowly progressing on her ocd path.  At therapy this week she finally made the connection that OCD (or Muck- as she calls it)  is what is telling her that fruit or veggies make her dirty.  So hopefully things will start moving along in her path to freedom from ocd.

Vacations Are Just Too Short!

        I had a wonderful time cruising!  I really liked the part where I didn't have to cook- just picked up a plate and put food on it!  It was WARM, WARM, WARM.  No coats needed.  It didn't rain either (Yeah!).   I could turn around and do it again next week! 


Six of us drove to Miami together- Bruce, Katrina & I and my 2 brothers and 1 sister-in-law.  We met my other sister and her family on the Carnival Glory.   The first day was just getting aboard (lots of checkpoints to make sure everything was in order), then finding our room and getting settled in.  Monday was another day at sea, on our way to the Cayman Islands.   The rest of this post is going to be an advertisement for cruising!!  It was way too much fun.  There was waterslide on board, a pool, lots of decks and lots of walking from place to place. 

I was hoping that all the walking from one end of the ship to the other, from deck to deck would offset all the scrumptious cakes I had to sample each day. (Unfortunately, as I found out at home, this did not come to pass.  I gained back a few pounds that took me ages to lose.)  But those cheesecakes.  Ohhhh, food heaven.


  To continue on before I drool into my computer,  we went to a turtle farm and sanctuary and to Hell at our first stop- Grand Cayman.   These turtles are being grown, studied and let out to sea.   We got to hold them and Katrina got to go into a tank and play with them.  A Little OCD afterwards as they had a handwashing sink so we didn't get any reptile diseases but they wanted us to put on that disinfectant gel after we washed.  I hate the thot of dead bacteria stuck to my hands, maybe getting in my eyes, on my stuff etc.  So I had to look for a bathroom to wash off the gel before enjoying the rest of my time.   We had signed up to go feed the stingrays too, but the waves were too high so that part of the trip was cancelled.  I tried to put up some pictures, but they won't download into the blog.  The first one did after numerous tries but I can't figure out what I did right :P.


< picture should be here :(


The next stop was Cozumel.  We rented a car and went to Punta Sur, a national animal reserve / park.  We swam in the ocean, went on a lagoon boat ride and saw crocodiles up close. 


The next place we visited was Belize, another English speaking country.  Our driver to the Belize zoo said it takes about 2 hours to drive thru Belize.  The zoo was amazing-  the animals were in cages, but there was a lot of natural vegetation in the cages with them.  We spent about an hour there, until Katrina got hot and tired.  There was a professional photographer there taking pic's for a magazine or something, so the zoo personnel were with him and feeding the animals so he could get great shots.  Naturally we got shots at the same time!  We saw a black jaguar, spotted jaguar,  a tapir, some birds, an ocolot and some really smelly peciaries?? ( pig animals),  a bird that eats snakes ( not actually eating said snakes tho!)  This zoo started out as an animal preserve/ rescue area and that's what it does, mainly.   The animals that can't be released back into the wild stay there and are used to educate the children/ people of Belize.


<More pic's here... nope, wouldn't download.


When we got back from  the zoo a lady asked us if we wanted braids in our hair.  So Katrina & I now look like this with corn rows:




>


The final stop was to the island of Roatan. We didn't do much there- some shopping and went for a walk down a nature trail to the beach.  We saw  a tiny hummingbird in it's nest.  


In the evenings they had professional photo backgrounds set up and you could have pictures  taken at as many different backgrounds as you want.  They were different every night!  Then Saturday we spent a long time deciding which pictures we wanted to keep.  The ship also had photographers taking pictures at dinnertime.  We got one of our whole group with our Canadian paraphernalia!


> insert more pic's here..


Then finally, way, way too soon, it was Sat. night, suitcases got packed and we were ready for disembarkation Sunday morning. Then we drove and drove and drove and got to Waterloo On. Monday afternoon.  We stayed there overnight before doing the final 4hour journey home.


Ocd moments were few and far between:  only 2 or 3.  We were in a McDonalds on our way home and discovered they had no soap in the bathrooms.  Actually they had no soap in the building- except MAYBE at their special handwashing sink in the kitchen.  That we weren't allowed to use..   Years ago I would have felt I was contaminating every thing I touched in the car, after only washing with water.  Now, tho,  while I didn't like it, after a few minutes the 'yuk' feeling went away and it didn't bother me anymore.  The other incident was when one of the housekeeping staff almost backed into me with their stuff and to apologize, he patted me on my back. (Rule: don't touch me if you're cleaning, or have cleaned or have cleaning chemicals near you). I didn't say anything to the poor guy. Wouldn't have known how to explain myself.   I kept the shirt on til I changed for dinner not to long later, then just put it in the laundry pile.


So OCD was with me, a bit, but nothing to worry about.  Compare that to the trip I took to Moosonee a few years ago!   What an improvement!


Now it's to saving up for the next cruise.  Cause I have caught the cruise bug, bad!  And looking at pictures and writing about it just brings back the symptoms.

Sailing, Sailing, in the Ocean Turquoise Blue, When days are Hot, When Days Are Cold (especially then!) in a Caribbean Pool

This year is Bruce and My 25th Wedding Anniversary, so we've done some things that were rather expensive but cool.  I found out that Les Miserables was coming to Toronto in Dec. so instead of a big celebration last March, we got tickets for the show.


We also decided to join some of my family members on a cruise in the Caribbean.  After many months of waiting, it is finally here.  We leave this week for Florida (a very long car ride) with my brother and his wife and my other brother.  We are taking Katrina, so will be doing some animal-oriented things because she is an animal lover.


Because Katrina has been diagnosed with ocd, her counsellor wanted me to go to therapy to make sure I didn't get any relapses, or have a problem with her doing ERP.  So I am seeing a student therapist- ok by me, as I am not in any big crisis, so I can be a guinea pig.  In Ontario, or at least at this Centre, you don't pick your therapist, you get assigned one- hopefully it clicks.  I guess if you want to hunt for  a psychologist not at a clinic you get to pay out of your own pocket?? 


She asked me if I had any concerns about going away- any OCD issues.  I thot for a moment and said 'no'.  I remember going to Moosonee 3 or so years ago and hitting OCD after OCD issue.  I made it thru, but it was WORK for me, and filled with anxiety.  This time, I don't feel much anxiety at all- just lots of excitement. 


I listened to some cruise travel advice which said to rewipe down your cabin, since they do so many in the short time between arriving and leaving again.  I bot a small container of wipes- not javex bleach wipes but just wipes for the car in case they are needed.  So IF the cabin looks dirty, I have an option.  But hopefully I wont succumb.  I'll be with my sister & her family (who are flying down), with my 2 brothers, my brother's wife and of course Bruce & Katrina.  I hope I will be so busy that disinfecting my cabin will be at the bottom of my list of things to do.  Just in case, tho are the soapy wipes (notice they aren 't bleach, so a) they CAN'T disinfect, hence why bother and b) they are able to be used to wipe sticky fingers in a car should that be needed.


This new therapist also suggested 5 books for me to read about OCD and family.  Only 1 was actually at my library.  I asked for Interlibrary loans, hoping they'd all come at separate times over the past few months.  Nope, 1 had 2 I had to read rather quickly, but I made lots of notes.  I got Up And Down the Worry Hill'- a book for kids, on Saturday so we can read this one at our leisure -even on the cruise if we want.  But first i'll see if her therapist is going to read this with her, or if he wants us to wait to read it until he explains things to her.


Just as a sideline- I'm a Harry Potter fan and while on Pottermore this afternoon, I read something about how green and purple are wizard colours.  Funnily enough, green is my son's favourite colour & purple is my daughter's.  I guess that means my kids are the magic in my life.  So true.   I loved home schooling my son, I learned lots and became clese to him; my daughter will be going thru her own OCD journey with my help (not therapy, just as a parent, thank goodness).  She's an artistic girl and has the moods and perfectionism to go with it. 

Dermatitis- is it contageous?

This past Nov.  my chin and nose areas started to look red and had lots of red dots.  The doctor wasn't sure  what I had, so he gave me some  steroid cream which didn't do too much.  I saw my sleep disorder doctor who thot it was rosacea and gave me some gel which really stung.  I endured for hours and by the next day was begging for an appointment with my regular doctor.  Then he guessed impetigo and gave me anti-bacterial cream and pills to add to the corticosteroid one.  The cream  didn't hurt and it seemed to go away a bit.






The problem is that impetigo is contagious.  I don't want to contaminate the whole universe by giving it to every random person I meet, right?




 Well, aren't we all in luck!  I know how to deal with contamination issues.  After all I have OCD!






 Contamination is right up my ally.  I just have to wash my hands every time I touch my face.  OK.  I know how to do that AND I am conscientious enuf to actually follow thru.  After all, this is a REAL contamination situation, not imaginary germs.  I can handle this.




So now along with my facial problems, I also have really dry hands from washing them so often.  I  try hard not to touch my face by my nose and mouth.  Amazing how often my face itches!  Ever try scratching your mouth area without touching it?   If you stick your tongue under your lip and stretch it, with any luck the itch goes away.  Good thing I don't have a job where I'm dealing with people because I sure make some weird faces.  My dogs haven't complained- yet.  I wonder what all the people on the cruise ship are going to think about these weird facial contortions, tho?




Actually, I don't want to have this problem when I go on vacation next week.  So tonight I started looking on the internet for alternative skin conditions.  I found one that fits what's been going on with me- perioral dermatitis.  Rash around the mouth.   Not contagious, gets exacerbated by topical steroid creams but does respond to erythromycin which is what I have been taking, on and off, 3 times now.  They're not sure what causes this but do say being out in the cold is one.  This year I've been taking the dogs outside for a walk/play nearly every day for over a half hour at a time! 


Normally I'm not really a outdoor-in-40-below kind of girl.  I' m more a 'sit-by-the-window-reading-a- book-feeling-sorry-for-all-those-who-have-to-go-out person.  But I will do for my dogs what I won't do for me.  I will be mentioning this to my doctor when I go again Friday morning.  I will also be stopping that steroid cream!





Is this the universe's idea of a funny joke?

BOOKS, BOOKS AND MORE BOOKS!

I was visiting Tina's site tonight and she  had a picture of a Trixie Beldon book.  That got me thinking about how much I used to love the church rummage sales.  Even our mall had non-profit organizations setting up their craft/ rummage tables once or twice a year.  I loved to hunt thru the book piles for that next great read- another Nancy Drew, Donna Parker books, The Sound Of Music (who knew that that was even a book!) I loved Sound of Music.  I reread that so many times, I don't need the book anymore to remember scenes!


 Second hand book stores were also great places to hang out- until OCD hit.  I couldn't even go to the library without worrying I was contaminating their book and I didn't want to bring them home in case they contaminated my house.  Even starting a book didn't guarantee I'd be able to finish it.  If I couldn't bear to touch the book anymore, it went back - after being cleaned, but that cleaning didn't didn't satisfy me.  I never told the librarians that I contaminated their books.  After awhile I just stopped going. 


The librarians knew I had a small baby, so probably didn't think much of the fact that I wasn't rummaging around in one department or another.


I worked very hard to get back the ability to use the library.  I remember sitting in the library already feeling contaminated but continued reading until the contamination feeling went away.  It took about a half an hour.  I am soooo happy I can use the library again. 


Unfortunately I can't say the same thing about used book stores. Brown marks and other old smells attached to the books now remind me, not of generations past enjoying the book, but of mold and mildew.  Since I don't know where the books came from, who is to say they didn't come from an old mouse-filled attic or a hoarder's house, again full of mold or  mice.


But I love the memories I have of browsing thru books, looking for either a great read or a book I've already read that I want to add to my personal library of books.


I hope that one day I will feel ok about going into a used book store again.  Even at Value Village, our local used items store, I can buy clothes- had to work hard to get that back but not adult books.  I have decided that I CAN buy children's books that aren't too old.  Popular books that have been written in the last 10 or so years.  Books I can tell were donated as the child got too old for them, not as a result of a cleaning raid on someone's house.


I won't even take back the box of 'my' books sitting in my parent's attic- in case they were touched by mice.

Book Review: Freeing Your Child From Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by T. Chansky c. 2000

A very comprehensive read that takes you from learning about and diagnosing your child's OCD to  the different medications to ERP therapy and why they work and how fast to expect improvements.




Part 2 is called 'The Parent's Role'.  Chansky has parents sometimes being a co-therapist (for young children) to letting the child/teen be in charge of the OCD homework.


The parents section is really interesting and helpful when working with a therapist to help your child manage OCD.  It's also a good read if you are the one with OCD because there are lots of examples and anecdotes and reminders that are great to remember as adults too.


Section 3 goes into detail about the specific types of OCD:  Contamination fears, checking, counting, redoing obsessions, doubting your own senses , having to be 'just right'- ordering, counting, hoarding, symmetry; and intrusive thoughts and imagined impulses like: scrupulosity, sexual thoughts or thoughts of harming others.


Finally there's advice on how to deal with frustrated siblings, the school and society at large.


I've read many books now on OCD and expected this to be basically a review of what I knew.  I was pleasantly surprised with all the information, stories and help Dr. Chansky gives to parents and those struggling with OCD in their lives or families.










Some quotes from the book:




p8:  OCD is an intrusion, a brain hiccup.  It is different from your child's voluntary thoughts  but he doesn't know that.  All thoughts are created equal, so we all think, unless we are told otherwise.  While thoughts of the mind are welcome messages, OCD brain hiccups are junk mail, but because they happen in English, we think we need to listen to them, understand them.  The more we try to figure out wheat they are saying and why, the more we are being pulled into their trap.




 p.92:  It is very difficult to cope with a chronic  condition (OCD).  So how do we  live with this perpetual uncertainty?  We don't spend all of our time noticing it.  Let's say your child is afraid of dogs.  We work on his dog phobia and he is no longer afraid.  Is that because all the dogs in the world 'went away' and never came back?  No, the dogs are there, but your child learned to ignore them and live his life.  This is the change that happens in OD: The thoughts may reappear from time to time, but if you don't respond to them in the way OCD tells you to, they don't constrict your life.  Your child will not have to go through exactly the same things again because she will have won back territory for OCD. l Recognizing its signs and armed with strategies to fight back, she can't be tricked in the same way again.






p107:  Behavior therapy teaches your child that OCD is a false alarm, a bully in your brain bossing your around, and the way to get rid of OCD is by 'show and tell'.  Show it that your are in charge by doing what you want, not what it wants, then tell OCD to back off and leave you alone. Behavior therapy provides planned opportunities for your child to see that he can control his actions.






p.108:  There are 6 basic  components in behavior therapy to take control of OCD:
             1.  Re-label the problem as a bad guy bossing you around.
             2.  Do the opposite of the OCD warnings (show).
             3.  Boss back the OCD (tell.)
             4.  Refocus on what you want to b doing instead of having symptoms.
             5.  Define the motivation for treatment:  What I hate about OCD.
             6.  Determine the parents' role in treatment.




p.111:  ...when your child says to the OCD, 'You are junk mail, you're not real, so stop bossing me
             around!"..[it]  will help him feel empowered and mad, rather than scared and trapped.


p, 139:  Let the child set the pace of treatment.  If a child feels you are in charge of her recovery she
             may rebel or feel overwhelmed.


p.139:   a bad day doesn't negate the progress made, just like a bad move on the sports floor doesn't
             mean you're penalized for the rest of your life.


p.152:  Let their triumph's be THEIR triumph!  Say ' I'm proud of your had work' not 'Finally!, I
             couldn't have taken it another day!


p. 226:  OCD creates a crisis.  It's time consuming. It's added to a normal life.  [Parents] need to  
              conserve energy- take a 'just say no' policy to extra time commitments.


p. 226:  No shoulding like:  I should have a cleaner house, I should do PTA....  Parents should have
             hobbies and activities to be happy in.


p. 249:  'What I learned is that sometimes the way to fix the problem [a contaminated item] is to
              make it too big to fix'. -Tara


p. 264:  the 'incomplete' circuits continue to fire even after the job is done. The feeling of satisfaction
             that normally follows a competed action ( like the feeling you get when you finish that jigsaw
             puzzle) never comes.

Happy New Year 2014!

My daughter has been diagnosed with OCD too.  She wants me to wash my hands after I touch fruit or vegetables. (An OCD obsession  I haven't read about, anywhere).  She will hold her breath to go into the kitchen on the chance there are fruits / veggies laying on the counter or table.  She usually takes her food plate and eats in her room.  At school she has a hard time eating her lunch if one of the other kids has fruit out on their desk, but she's managing ok.  A while ago she would not each lunch when this happened and then throw up out of hunger and be sent home.  I'd been to our local child counselling centre a few times but until Katrina started wanting me to wash my hands so she'd feel ok, everyone said she didn't have it.  Even I wondered (and hoped) that it was just her way of getting back at me for when I was in the throes of OCD and would make her wash a lot.   Now that I was better, maybe this was her way of getting rid of the pent-up anger??  No such luck. 


We've been going to a therapist with Katrina on a weekly basis now since last summer.  She was so shy and quiet that it's taken the therapist til now to be able to see her alone, to do play therapy.  We make her go to Brownies (girl scouts in Canada) to give her the exposure to new situations, hopefully giving her success and helping her speak up for herself.  The 'make' part means that she wanted to go, and went 3 times to try it, told us she liked it and then after I paid the ridiculously high fee that doesn't go to the leaders but to the Corporation ANDbought her her uniform, she told us she didn't like it anymore.  She can quit in Sept. if she wants (maybe- her counsellor says it's a good way to increase her social skills)- but will go for now.


I'm also reading books (again :P)  about OCD- this time about parents with children who have OCD.


I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to handle 'making' my child do ocd ERP as homework because I know how horrid it is to struggle with the OCD monster myself.  How could I do that to my daughter?  I wouldn't want my worst enemy to have OCD, never mind my own child!  So Katrina's counselor recommended I return to counselling to help me with this.  However,  the book we are working on with her, SHE is to take charge of OCD, not me 'making' her do it, like I make her do her math homework, so that helped reduce my stress level.


I still go to Toastmasters, but haven't given another speech yet; I have helped a lady  bring Toastmasters to a local homeschooling group, and given a short presentation or 2 to the teens there.


After having 2 weeks off at Christmas, getting back into my exercise routine, Toastmasters meetings, chauffeuring, taking the dogs out for their exercise all seemed overwhelming, so instead of getting frustrated and mad at myself for my lack of energy, I decided to take it slow, do the necessary things  and add in my other activities (ie Toastmaster meetings) a little at a time till I was back in the swing of things.  Our Christmas tree is still up as that hasn't been a priority- it's in a corner out of the way- better up like that, than half down with boxes all over the living room!

hi-ho, hi-ho it's out in LIFE I go... Sorry for the lack of posts :(

I've spent the last 7 months living life based on what I want / need to do.  Ocd isn't at the top of my list anymore.  It's still there, in the back of my mind and sometimes it comes forward, rears it's accusatory head and waits for my response.  Often I just tell it to shut up, sometimes it's quicker to just wash and go and other times I really have to think about things.

For example.  I joined a running group.  As we were waiting for people to show up, someone commented on how she didn't want to touch a donut given to her by an employee who had also collected money and didn't put on gloves first.  She thought that was dirty.  I just wondered what the problem was, glad that ocd didn't have a problem with that anymore.  I can use money now without thinking about all the places it might have been.   Fast forward to our walk.  This same person saw some buckets in someone's trash, ran over and emptied out the laundry detergent bottle from the bucket and took the buckets.  Now THAT made me sick.  OCD just did not appreciate that move.  I spent the rest of the walk making sure she didn't touch me.  The last 10 min. or so she walked beside me and we talked, but by that time the dread had simmered down.  I still didn't want her to touch me.  Now I am a bit afraid to go back to the building because I don't know if she touched a door there.  I just thot it rather ironic that she has a concern about money being dirty and it just spends most of it's time in wallets or pockets or tills, but has no problem grabbing something from someone's garbage.  Go figure.

Yesterday I was walking the dogs and on our way home I saw a dead mouse at the side of the road.  Naturally the dog had to put its nose down to smell it and I yanked her away from it.  I didn't know if she actually touched the mouse, but washed her snout off with Kleenex covered in vinegar.  That was ok, I was pretty calm.  Then ocd hit as I was wiping off the door handle and garage door opener that i'd touched with the opposite hand.  Which garbage container was ok to put that Kleenex??  Yep, mice still give me the willies.  Ocd or not, mice bother me.  I'm just gonna have to live with that, I think!

Now for the good stuff!   I joined Toastmasters in January and participated in their speak-off-the-cuff section.  Actually that's why I decided to join- to learn to speak to people naturally, without having to have it written down, so then I might be able to introduce myself and start a chit-chat conversation with a stranger and not have it be such a traumatic thing.  I've also done small roles like: word -of- the -day and joke master.  I am also club secretary and transform the minutes into a club newsletter. 

Tom has gone back to university so my live-in babysitter is not here anymore.  Colm Wilkinson, the famous Phantom in Phantom of the OPera and who played Jean Valjean in Les Miserables is coming to Toronto in Dec. and I AM GOING TO SEE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Do I sound excited or what!! I love looking forward to real life fun instead of my next OCD attack. 

  My husband and son spent the summer putting new stairs on the front of the house as well as digging for the septic tank ( which was conviently located under the deck and stairs!) and before winter hits we have to get it stained.  Painting is something I haven't done since before Katrina was born- baby + OCD = no way am I getting near paint!   Now I can do it and I had fun!

I bought my daughter used tap dance shoes last week and OCD really wanted me to spend the extra $70 to get new ones but I resisted.  Then it told me to wash them because who knows where they've been- besides on some other little 7 yr old's feet.  I kept saying 'no' and today is dance class and I'm ok with not washing the outside of the shoes but I wanted to wash the inside with vinegar- to kill any wart spores or whatever they're called.  I don't want to do the work of getting warts off her feet later.  So I talked to my husband and he suggested just washing the inside would be ok, but I was concerned that i'd have to do the outside because I was there anyway- and then if something went wrong at the sink I could be hand washing for awhile and I didn't want to risk that. 

Solution:  pour some vinegar in each shoe and with a rag lift shoe up to spread vinegar.  Throw out vinegar container and rag.  Wash hands.  Done.

 So, now was that OCD being sneaky, getting thru the back door and AT LEAST washing the inside of the shoes, or was that a legitimate worry? 

I got to paint most of the lattice work while Bruce did the deck and stairs and fence.

 

Just 1 Step Away From Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

That 's what my husband seems to think.  Or maybe he's like me... just waiting for something to go 'dread'-fully wrong.  I wonder if I'll wake up one day and realize that I've been letting OCD creep back into my life one little decision at a time.

Friday I was cold and so was wearing this fluffy robe over my clothes.  I was picking up some paper garbage to put in the garbage can and just laid them on the kitchen table instead.  Later, I added a banana peel and something else to this little pile.  I forgot about it until Bruce came home and he put it in the garbage for me.  I apologized for leaving it there and he made some comment about how I have a problem using a garbage can!

Yes, I DID, once, long long ago, over a year ago, have this problem. Three or 4 years ago I refused to put anything in a garbage can, just leaving it in piles on the table for Bruce to do it.  I believed that dropping something into a garbage can would send contaminated air back up to hit me.  I could use open ones where I would stand back and just toss something in it.  After awhile I could put stuff in the garbage can but then have to wash my hands right afterwards.  Then, I worked on that problem.  It is not a problem anyore.  see: http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2011/06/attack-of-killer-garbage-can.html

Back to Friday.  I was just being lazy and didn't want to have my robe touch the garbage can.  It was clean garbage I left on the table.  So the first thing that jumps into his head is how things were 4 years ago.  Thanks!

Will I always be just one step from full-blown OCD?  I hope i can be lazy once in a while and not have this mean I am going backwards, or am i kidding myself?  Vigilence 24/7  for the rest of my life sounds like a prison sentence. 

I   read a quote today on Lolly's blog: Lolly's hope.  It says: 

Stop being afraid of what could go wrong,
and focus on what could go right! 

 see:  http://www.lollyshope.com/2013/01/untitled.html.

I needed that today!  Thanks Lolly! 

Last week was a busy week.  I am finished with my anxiety group (this could be where some of my concern is coming from as now I have no 'professional' help if I need it. ) and am in a healthy living program.  I found out that this is a 3 days a week commitment for 4 months to go 2ce a week to the exercise class at the local pool and once a week to a fitness class.  They are monitoring all sorts of stuff from  my weight to how many push-ups i can do in a row (easy- 0 ).  From a once a week meeting to 3 exercise classes a week that tire me out is a very big change in routine. I keep telling myself that last week was the first week and I will get used to it one day at a time.  

OCD Goal For the Day

I went to my first official Toastmaster's meeting Wed. night.  I was a LOT more nervous and anxious than I thot I'd be.  After all, I'd been there as a guest 3 or 4 times.  I'd even participated at those times and found it not too bad.

But this was 'official'.  Now I was one of the group.  I don't know why or how I manage to make these things so stressful to me!!!  We had to give a one minute speech about 'new' and besides not remembering a word the 3 people ahead of me said (which was awkward as we then had to rate the best topic speakers), I only managed 20 seconds - yes they time it too! 

The sane part of me says that now I have a base point from which I can measure my improvements and that as humans the learning curve is not all fun and games.  The irrational side is just wondering why I want to do such a thing in the first place! That since I'm only a few years from 50 and am NOT planning to lead any companies or churches, the probablity that someone will come to my house and ask me to give a speech is rather remote!  But Karin just can't let it be.  She's a twit that for some reason  decides to do awful things  -and even PAYS people for the privilage of doing these things instead of just enjoying life within the pages of her books.

 (See what I have to deal with??!)

They- the writer of the agenda for next meeting wanted me to give my first speech at the next meeting.  I managed to volunteer to give the 'word of the day' instead, where rather than making up a speech about my life, I only have to find a really cool word and give the definitions. Something I can handle... except the perfectionist part of me which is already wondering which word would be 'perfect' for the evening.  Which word is going to 'wow' them all.

I think this club will be good for me for more than I origionally thot it would!

Now for the topic of the day:  ERP

Thot Record that will hopefully calm me down.

Note;  Bruce phoned my dad to see when their last mouse episode was and according to Bruce it was a while ago.  I felt better for a few minutes. Then the 'reassurance' thing hit.  Maybe I should call my dad and hear it again?  I didn't want to call myself in case he tells me all sorts of info that will just rev up my already freaked out mind.  I figured Bruce could give me the watered- down version- just the facts.  I am NOT going to call my dad myself, or Bruce for that matter for reassurance... BUT I REALLY REALLY WANT TO!

Situation:   My dad sent me some dvds he made so I can watch them.  I think he also wants feedback,
                  so I can't just throw them away.  Also sent me a card which is now on the table under
                  some pokemon cards and headphones.  So I can't touch that stuff either.  The disks fell off the couch onto the floor where they have now contaminated a book from a Goodreads giveaway that I am supposed to read and review.  At first when I got the package I was OK with it.  OCD hit in about 5 min. later, after the stuff was already on the couch and table.

Mood:  96%  anxiety and fear

Automatic thots:  MICE  (what else!)  Dad had mentioned they'd had mice in our last phone
                   conversation, but didn't mention exactly WHEN, so was it a week ago??  What if he
                   cleaned up the mouse stuff and didn't SHOWER after wards, but ONLY washed his
                   hands??  Am I contamination my house/ stuff?

Rational thots:  I guess washing hands after cleaning up mouse stuff is probably sufficient.  (notice
                   how little i agree with that statement :).  Bruce said it happened a while ago and anyway
                   none of it happened near the dvd recorder.  Dad also opened a new cylinder of disks to do
                   this with too.  I bet Fantine (of Les Mis) never worried about mice- she had bigger
                   worries than that!

Mood now:  anxiety  86%  but i will do it anyway.

Please, someone, save me from this illness!!!

Noticing the Little Things- Cause They're the Nice Things

Lots has happened since before Christmas even.  Most are little things I've noticed about myself.  Like I used to be afraid to touch the basement door to the garage in case of contamination or radiation burns or something :P but I did let everyone else touch the door without washing.  In fact, I'd wipe  the handle down on a weekly basis while doing the garbage and wiping off the garbage can.  But one day, not too long ago, as we were going to the garage to get into the van, I just opened the door myself!  No big deal- nothing happened.  Yeah!!!  Have done it again too!   It was one of my- sneak-into-it exposures.  I knew it wasn't dirty, but still wouldn't touch it.  Watching others, tho, helped my mind to acclimatize to it without ME having to do anything. 

And then there was the 'big one', that happened last weekend while I was at my brother's house.  Brother had gone out and while he was gone someone had vomited on the floor, so Other Brother and I went looking for paper towels to clean up the mess.  I found some under the bathroom sink on top of a bunch of cleaners.  (YUK, already contaminated by the cleaners- because cleaners have poisonous chemicals in them). Other Brother used them anyway but instead of putting them back into the cupboard, stuck them on an empy paper towel holder on the kitchen counter.  I told him about my thots on that but he didn't agree with me (nicely) and left them there. When Brother came home, i told him about it too (you know, IN CASE he thot it was gros too, but he didn't either) and also left them there.  I decided since it was his house, not to get upset, but to just tell my daughter NOT to touch them.  Unfortunately I didn't get around to telling her fast enuf (because how often do kids really play with paper towels anyway?)  Well that morning there was a spill and cousin gave Katrina one of THOSE paper towels to wipe it up with.  Figures.  So i told Katrina to wash her hands but before we got to the bathroom I changed my mind and told her not to bother.  Why?  Because if I made her wash her hands, I'd also have to go after cousin who also touched the paper towels and I couldn't do that because cousin's dad was Brother who said the paper towels were fine.  So,  in that case, I'd have to think the whole house was getting contaminated with cousin running around touching all sorts of stuff- toys, furniture Katrina etc.  That would not be the best use of my brain.  So Normal Brain told OCD Brain to knock it off.  Normal Brain also figured out that by the time the vomit was cleaned up off the floor, all the paper towels left on the roll would be clean anyway, having not touched the cleaners.   OCD Brain left, without a fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And I got to enjoy the rest of my visit, rather than clocking all the things that everyone contaminated.


But in case you think my life is OCD free, my dad sent me some dvds that I haven't touched because he mentioned that sometime last year they had had mice. Or maybe I misunderstood and it was just 'in the past'  they had had mice.  Either way, their whole house is now contaminated and I don't want to touch anything until I find out when and where the mice were and how far that was from the dvd's he sent me.  Problem is that I'm afraid to call him and ask, in case I learn more than I wanted to know because for some reason people LIKE to talk about their mouse problems to me.  I just don't like to hear it.  So Bruce is supposed to call and ask my dad all the questions and only tell me the relative parts of the conversation in case what he says gives me more Yuk's.  Hasn't happened yet, so still haven't watched the dvd's.  There are also pokemon cards and head phones that are sitting on top of a note he sent with the dvd's.  They haven't been moved either.

Oh, and one of Katrina's library books had a piece bitten out of it.  Naturally 'Mice' was my first thot, even tho some of the teeth marks looked like  dog or little person.  Put it and the books it might have touched in a seperate bag and had Bruce drop it off at the library.  Kept 1 book because we hadn't read it yet, but it's still sitting on the shelf waiting for either a wipe, or an exposure.  Right now I'm just ignoring it.

I've joined toastmasters and tonight is the first meeting of the season.  I'm not giving a talk, but will have to soon.  Probably in 2 weeks, unless the agenda person forgets to ask me and I can put it off another 2 weeks. :)

Holiday Greetings!

Happy Christmas & A Wonderful New Year!

 

 

Here are my Christmas decorations- a little late, since I don't know how to download off a camera and so had to wait til hubby did it.

 

 

Katrina on Christmas day

 

 

Me in my new Christmas clothes.  Don't know if I'd like to live in India, but

I sure love their clothes and  bright colours!

 

My sister made this card for me using stamps.  I bot a frame and put it in!

  Most of what's under the tree is for Katrina.  Tom wanted cash and I am already wearing most of my 'gifts'.  Bruce put Tom's cash into a dvd disk, a candy cane box (Tom spent a while figuring out how he did that-  but it put a smile on his face) and other sundry small items.

Merry Christmas To All & To All An OCD & Anxiety-Free Holiday Season!

I wish!!

I've been working a lot (a bit) on my anxiety problems-  or rather my lack of social skills.  The goal is to learn to and be comfortable initiating conversations with strangers.  First of all, i hardly know what to say to people- i don't watch the latest tv programs and don't know if the other person does either, i'm not much into sports  teams and I feel that no-one will be interested in what I have to say anyway.

A lot of that comes from my childhood where i was picked on at home, school (until high school) and basically ignored at church when in my teens. I just played invisible.  That way i didn't get much overt teasing.

So while at my daughter's ballet class i'm supposed to converse.  And when I go to anywhere else too, Iguess. This wasn't working too well, as I don't know what to say to people I don't know, so I decided to go to Toastmasters.

Toastmasters is a non-profit organization where people come together to practise their public speaking and off-the-cuff speaking skills.  I observed 2 groups. The first met in the evening and was smaller and everyone 'had' to participate in the off-the-cuff section.  The second met at lunch time and people had to volunteer to speak because they had so many people attending.  I chose to go to the evening one even tho I don't like driving in the dark because I know myself well enuf to know that if I have a choice to participate and make a fool of myself,  I won't. 

On Wed. evening they were going to have a Christmas Party after an hour's worth of meeting.  I was thinking of skipping that (bringing a gift and all) but realized that there would be a perfect chance to chit-chat with a whole group of people I didn't know well.  So I decided to go, not realizing it would be an OCD trigger too.  OCD and Christmas don't mix in my book :). 

Not too long before it was time to go, I was on the Toastmaster web site for my group and I read:
' bring a $10 new or gently used gift'.   GENTLY USED????  That, piped up  screamed OCD could mean someone bringing some thing that's been in their basement  or attic for a year or more.  If you're not USING it, it's not in your living room, I bet.... If it's in the basement, how do you know it's not near something mice have touched????? ' 

So now this fun evening was going to turn into an OCD event:  When I went up to choose a gift,  I had to wonder which ones were NEW, and which ones might have something gently used in it.  Normal me is out of the picture and OCD is revving up the anxiety.  Then I had to go to the pulpit, open it in front of everyone else and tell why it was 'the greatest gift ever'.  That was the easy part after I  realized I got a box of caramel popcorn.  Pfew, It was NEW!!!  Problem solved, right? Wrong.

After everyone had chosen a gift came the opportunity to steal.  What if someone stole my 'new' gift, and i was left with something i couldn't tell was used or new- like a decoration/ ornament??  I certainly wasn't going to exchange my gift with anyone else! 

Fast forward 2 days to today.  I'd written out a bunch of Christmas cards that I stamped last night.  Bruce was supposed to take them to the mailbox on his way to work this morning but he forgot.  So I did.  No big deal.  Not until I put them into the mailbox.  Then OCD showed up.  Not BEFORE, when I could have thought about what I was going to do.  Nope, it shows up just after I put the letters in the slot:

"You, know, Karin,  the past owners of your house, the ones who left the mouse residue in your kitchen, could have put their letters in that very same mail slot you did.  What are you going to do now????' 

Well, it was too late to go into town to put them in another box or give them to a lady at the post office counter.  If I was smarter I could have done that.

Then sane, rational me piped up, no' spoke up calmly and said that those other people haven't been here in 4 years.  Any mice issues that weren't resolved in our own mailbox ( I touch the mail from our own box, altho at one time I refused to for those same reasons above)  would be DEAD by now, having been exposed to the elements for 3 more years after I decided that our particular mail box was just fine. (Well, that wasn't exactly a decision, it was my 'first' exposure and was very scary for me.)

So I touched the door handle to close it, put both hands on the steering wheel and drove back to my house (our mailbox is at the end of the road, a kilometre or so away).  I am now sitting at the computer NOT having washed my hands, wondering if it's ok to wash before I touch all my stuff, or whether to contaminate my house further- or rather NOT contaminate it as NOTHING is wrong.  Right?? Right?  Right.

So Merry Christmas OCD... go suck eggs....Get samonella poisoning and stop bugging me.

Why Is It That Mice Are Depicted as Cute Critters For Children's Story Books????

Well, this is it.  I'm going to CLEAN my daughter's room.  Shouldn't take more than an hour or so.  So what's the catch? 

A couple of months ago when we went to a pool party Katrina came home with some stuffed animals the 16yr old daughter of that family didn't want anymore.  She was thrilled.  I, of course, didn't think anything of it at the time  Katrina first mentioned it but before we went home I had plenty of time to think.  Like how a few yrs ago they'd had a mouse run thru one of the bedrooms.  And what if... those stuffed animals were somehow in the way of that, or any other mouse. (As far as I know the mouse went to one of the boys bedrooms, but why let facts get in the way of a good ocd story?)

I was too chicken to tell my daughter she can't take the toys home because I didn't feel like arguing with her.  And my arguement wasn't going to sound all that convincing anyway.  Maybe it would have been better if I HAD argued.   Maybe Katrina would have asked the teen or her mom... no, Katrina wouldn't have done that.  She's too scared.  Maybe they would have heard the screaming of Katrina when she was told to leave the toys, came over and heard the story and kyboshed it right then and there. 

Nope. I thot I could handle my anxiety so I let her bring them in the van.  I let her take them in the house.  And that's as far as my kindness would go.  In her room they became contaminated.  (The van wasn't; don't ask me why not.  Ocd that doesn't happen is fine by me.)

So being left on the floor, among all her other toys, they were ignored by me.  I'd climb into her bed (uncontaminated) and read to her at night.  I'd put her clean laundry away as the dresser wasn't too far into her room an d I could get there. 

One time I tried to undo this whole thing with my husband there.  Both he and I touched something.  It didn't bother him and while I was with him it only bothered me a little.  But the next morning it was back.

So why do something about it now? 2 reasons.  First because my daughter's ballet suit is in the middle of the contaminated mess because I dropped it.  Last week she wore a blue exercise suit instead but it'won't be long before they'll be complaining about how Katrina needs to wear the prescribed colours.  And then what am i going to say?  'Sorry can't do that, it's contaminated' doesn't sound good when it's coming from an adult.  And if they actually believed my house was contaminated I'd soon expect to see CPS at my door wondering why we lived (and kept a child) in a contamination zone.

Second, and more important reason is that Katrina is now sleeping with us because her bed is contaminated too.  She pushed the blankets off one night, right onto one of THOSE stuffed animals.  Bruce, being kind, put the comforter back on the bed when he checked on her.  So then I wouldn't go near the bed either. She slept in her bed 2 nights ago because Bruce put her there after she fell asleep in our bed.  I didn't like it but I had to live with it. 

See, so this little story and the anxiety that goes with it is just screwing up too much of my life.  I could just call and get the scoop on thse stuffed animals but that would also be embarassing.  Bruce says there's nothing wrong with the toys- or her room, or her bed.  It's time for me to deal with it.
So that's my plan fo r the afternoon.

Thot record:

Situation:  above.
 Anxiety:  85+%. 
Hot thot:  Will I be contaminating everything else after I come out of her room NOT having washed
                 stuff down with vinegar, or putting the blanket in the washer, or wiping off the books that crashed onto the floor and came from the library.  Will I contaminate the rest of the house when I just wash my hands after windexing stuff that's supposed to be windexed- and that doesn't include the books or toys laying on the floor because if this weren't an ocd thing, i would just be picking them up,, right?

Evidence that my hot thot might be right:  There was a mouse once so maybe it (or another mouse)
                                                                      pooped on the stuffed animals.
                                                                     The people in MY HOUSE who lived here before us never cleaned up the mouse droppings they had in the kitchen cupboards, nor the poison they used either.  Cleaning that was gross.  So you never know about people.

Evidence that my hot thot might be wrong:  The above sounds ridiculous when I write it down.
                                                                       The rest of the house was clean, so maybe any mice
                                                                        droppings that were ever in the house would have been    cleaned up.
                                                                        Field mice aren't that dangerous?
                                                                         There was no evidence of any mouse droppings on the toys or I'd never have let my daughter touch them, never mind bringing them home.

Anxiety:  45%

Will do it anyway while playing the Les Miserables dvd, to keep my mind off the anxiety and help me pretend it's a normal weekly pickup job.

Anyone want to come over and do it FOR me?????????????????????????


Update.

Well.  I did it.  My hand is shaking and I am hoping that since all I did was wash my hands  and arms to my elbows, I won't think that my computer is contaminated. (It's sitting on my lap). I didn't change my clothes and i left the stuffed animals on Katrina's bed. 

I'm listening to Les Mis, which always makes me cry; that way I have an excuse for crying.  I mean it's not fun shoveling out a kid's room but it goes with the territory of  'mom'.  But it shouldn't be 'achievement of the week'?  Why do I let these 'stories' of mine take over my life?  Do I somehow enjoy (need)  the relief that finally comes when the anxiety finally goes down?  Won't chocolate do the same trick, with less havoc to my nervous system???

I actually noticed some good things this week:  I touched the knob of the dryer with my head while getting laundry out of it and I didn't go and wash my hair.  That must mean I'm finally believing that wiping the dryer does keep it clean until the next time I do the washing when i wipe it again.  That's the first step to not bothering to wipe it down every time I do a load of wash, just in case.                                                                        

Symptom of My Anxiety Level

Last week at group meeting I noticed that I was rather quiet- could n't speak much. I was asked to 'tell about myself' to the new members of the group and I was so stunned that I couldn't remember anything about myself! My mind went blank.  The facilitator had to prompt me by asking me to tell what brought me to the group. That direct quection was easy to answer. That was the extent of my talking. Except to say that I didn't do my goal of starting a conversation with a stranger. Another group member even commented on how quiet I was.  All I said was something simple like 'I know'.

This meeting was in the middle of my FIL's visit and while I ''seemed' ok ( I didn't have physical symptoms of stress like sweating and such) I realized that my mind going blank and my inability to talk much must be MY way of showing my stress.

We have to tell everyone what our stress level for the week was ( between 1-100)  and I said 45-50.  So I actually took note of my stress level and then noticed the fact that I was non-vocal.  I knew that talking is not my thing until I get to know someone well or get really comfortable. But this time I really noticed how much my verballness and my anxiety are related.  Because I'm pretty comfortable at the meeting, so it wasn't 'fear' I was feeling-  the normal anxiety people get when put in with a new group of people, so this must be related to my stress level.

I'll ask about this at the meeting this week. 

Grandpa's Visit

Update:

Things went very well with thanksgiving.  Bruce said afterwards that it was a good thing he and his dad stayed at a nearby hotel because his dad needed more assistance than we realized (being 5 hours away means that when we see him it's usually for a few hours while we're eating or sitting and chatting so we don't see bed and bath routines etc.).  Fortunately he's still mobile.  Unfortunately it was rainy and cold so he and our daughter couldn't go fishing together.

 Only a few ocd issues- bruce and dad had to walk near the garbage cans one day and I happened to see it.  They didn't TOUCH them but I was anxious all the same.  OTOH, I didn't make them wash just-in-case, so I'm more comfortable around garbage cans than I used to be.  Oh, and Bruce HAD to show him the garage.  That's not usually on my house tours, and it never occured to me to tell them to stay out of the garage ( did FIL brush by the garbage bin as they discussed the overhead pipe that has to be removed in order to get the garage door opener installed?).  I did nothing except tell my concern to Bruce.

On the plus side Bruce and his dad got to spend lots of time together, Katrina got to know and be comfortable around her grandpa ( we moved when she was just 2, so she doesn't see him a lot anymore.)  We had a nice thanksgiving dinner together on Monday.  All of us went to the local museum which I thought was going to be boring, but instead it brought back lots of memories for grandpa which he shared, so Bruce got to know more about his dad's younger life.  We tired him out :) !

I drove back south with the 2 of them which was fine until I (being bored)  noticed grandpa's cap.  It didn't look used, or worn but had the logo of his old business which he didn't have for at least 10 years, probably more now.  That meant the hat was new.  So my mind started working:  was this cap in a box in the basement where mice could have come? Or worse, in the garage where mice actually were???   So now he was sitting in MY seat, touching MY  door etc.  with THAT cap.   I quickly squashed the dread that was starting to come and tried to reason it out in my mind ( ie. a thot record):

#1:  He hasn't been living in his house for 10 or more years so any mouse residue would be long gone and / or not effective anymore.  Read NO GERMS.  So nothing is wrong.  Right???  Right??   Didn't work right away, but I had a long ride to sit with my anxiety and after 15 min or so I started to believe myself and the anxiety went away.  I actually get rather proud of my 'accomplishment' to disolve an ocd attack. (Later I did ask Bruce where his dad might have kept the box of business baseball caps and he said on their fridge, not in the basement at all... but it was ok anyway).

This brings me to this week's topic.  Ocd Talk did a post on the lonliness of ocd.  And this kind of works in.  When I'm proud of my accomplishments, I can't really share them with anyone except Bruce, or maybe my weekly group.  It's not like I can just talk about my 'hard work' getting thots out of my head and everyone will congradulate me.  In fact, they barely care... until I start asking them to wash, or not go there or something that makes the ocd visible.  Out of sight, out of mind.   Only not out of MY mind.

I know Bruce has talked to his sister and dad about the ocd, but I don't know exactly what he's said, except that I've improved a lot.  Do they believe him?  After all when I'm standing and talking to his sister or dad I don't show weird behaviors.  Do they think I'm weird now?   You know, mentally deranged  but are just too polite to say that?

It's Always Fun When Grandpa Comes.....

Unless you have anxiety disorders.  Then it's stressful because you don't know what could happen.  When my husband asked if his father could come for a visit, i said 'sure'.   Because there was a very good chance that it wouldn't happen at all.  Anyway, it was over 3 months away so it seemed ok.  Not that I was doing a lot of planning that far in advance.

When it looked like it was going to work out after all I was still ok with it.  Ocd was not acting out much, so I kind of forgot what it could be like.  Then came the dog collecting my dirty socks from the basement floor and bringing them back into the living room and here was OCD wondering if the house would ever feel 'uncontaminated' again.  I was anxious and i tried to clean what i could. 

That's when I realized that Grandpa coming to visit may be very nice for my dh, and even my kids but for me it would be work and potentially anxiety-provoking.  So one night Bruce and I had a long talk where we decided that having Grandpa sleep at a hotel would give both him and me breathing space.  It would not be 24/hours a day company.  It's not like we are good friends or anything.  But I also wanted my husband to be able to spend time with his 84 yr old dad as,well, he's 84.

I don't know how much of my dislike of overnighters (altho I do let my dd have guests overnight) is because I'm introverted and like to have my space- or whether it's all due to OCD.

On the plus side, his dad wasn't insulted, Bruce will spend the nights with his dad at the hotel for extra male-bonding time ( and because FIL needs that extra care, as we found out by talking to the nurse at his assisted living place) and I don't have to clean up my daughter's room to make it ready for him as we have no guest rooms in our house.  Bruce is away on a business trip for the week and Katrina is sleeping with me at night.  She's getting tall and likes to sleep sideways and kick around in the bed so having all 3 of us sleep together probably wouldn't work out so well anymore anyway. (Sniff, sniff, my baby is growing up.)

It would be great if I were the type of person who would just say 'great, I'll add more potatoes to the pot' when people want to come over, but I'm not, and actually never really have been.

Hey, 4 years ago I would have freaked out even more because there would have been lots of places IN my house that were 'contaminated' and couldn't be touched and that there was no way I could have people just wandering around my house unsupervised.  Now it's basically the laundry room that's off limits and don't go touching the garbage can with your hands if you can help it- altho the dogs brush against it and I live with that.

The past 2 weeks have been very stressful.  I started going into Katrina's room (beyond the door/ dresser ) again and touched the stuffed animals that ocd says MAY have had mouse poop on them (haven't seen any, but that doesn't matter).  Then i got into my bed.  It was ok the night i did that because Bruce did it too.  The next day I didn't feel too good about having done that, so I got new pyjamas out that evening. 

I could just call my sister and see if there is any truth to the story I'm telling myself but am resisting doing that. 

A few days ago i finally thought to myself that if I could tell myself a mouse-on- stuffed-animal story, I could also tell myself a different story. So I did. This story isn't as dramatic or anxiety-provoking. It goes like this: My niece wants to get rid of some of her stuff now that she's going into high school. She tells her mother and my sister tells her to put all the stuffed animals into the washer first to get them clean. She does and my daughter brings some of them home with her. The end.

It COULD have happened like that. :) It comes from inside my head, just like the original story does. So why don't i believe it? I have just as much reason to believe that story over the first one.

I DO go into Katrina's bed now with her to read to her again. Before I made her come into my bed and she'd get to fall asleep there instead. I let her pick up toys laying around that room while silently hoping they haven't touched the stuffed animals. But I haven't cleaned up her room yet, and it needs it. Sigh.

Then last Wed. I noticed that my ankle socks were in the living room.  My husband said that Mieka was getting them out of my open drawer.  Unfortunately I believed him.  The next day and another pair of socks later i noticed that this 2nd pair seemed quite the same as the socks i'd worn to take out the garbage in.  They were left on the floor in the basement ready to add into the next colour load.

Sure enough, the socks were gone from the basement.  Now I had a choice:   listen to OCD telling me how dirty the socks were and try to clean everything from the dog to the bed or ignore it.  When i discovered a dirty sock in my bed the decision was made:  clean.  I washed the sheets and the blankets, picked up the living room and vacuumed it ( wiping down the vacuum cleaner afterwards) and wiping the dog's mouth and paws with water.    I did NOT wash the dogs' blankets, nor give the dogs a bath, even tho ocd was telling me that would be a good idea.   So I was still a bit anxious about the whole thing.

I liked it better when i felt my house was ocd free.  But slowly i'm getting that feeling back.

Animals can be hazardess to my health.  I guess, tho, in the long term, they are helping me. Even tho I don't want their help.


On a more positive note, I am only 50 books away from having read 1000 books (in my life) on goodreads.com.  I have set myself the goal to get to 1000 by the end of the year- and the only picture books i can add are ones that I or Katrina find are exceptionally good.  50 books in 3months... it might be close!  More novels and less mythology.