Part 3 of My Back Story: OCD & Moving 5 Hours North. OCD Running Havoc In My Life Even With Medication

My ‘relaxation days’ were now spent packing, or rather  cleaning and then packing the items I’d cleaned.  We wanted to have the bathtub redone but before the men could come I had to spend a night getting the real mold off the ceiling above the tub.   But that was not enough.  In case the mold spores had migrated because I touched them, I also had to clean the entire bathroom, ceiling and all.  Then I probably threw out the clothes I was wearing.

      My closet became contaminated (I can’t remember why now) and I tried to decontaminate some of the stuff like jewellery by washing it before packing it.  Unfortunately that didn’t work because my mind remembered they had been contaminated (unlike a shirt or pants that was just thrown in the wash and I forgot which one had been contaminated by the time they came out of the machine.)  So the jewellery ended up being thrown out.  Now before you get worried, I’m not talking expensive stuff, thank goodness!  I did throw out my wedding dress, tho, that was hanging in that closet and also a dressy winter coat.

       The basement storage room had real mold in it that I didn’t notice until we emptied the shelves to pack them. So everything that was in there had to be wiped clean (all my food cans and the outside of packed bins that were put there while I swept out the larger room) or thrown out.  (I’d already cleaned out the basement twice due to real mold back when we’d first bought the house. I had to scrub the concrete walls with bleach and hose them down.  Not a fun job.   I was shocked that room had already started to  grow mold again.  Because I didn’t want to wash the metal shelves that were in there, to decontaminate them, they, along with a lot of stuff from the garage were given away.  Or did I make Bruce clean them off outside before we gave them away?  So no storage shelving.  The art supplies bin that was in that room that I carefully wiped down would return to haunt me later on because I remembered it was in a mold-contaminated room years before.  Even though my mind knew I had wiped down the container (whether it even needed wiping in the first place those of you without ocd would know) I still had a hard time taking things out of it and using them.  Some items like glitter glue pens and patterned scissors eventually got used.  Other items got thrown out even at that later date.

 I came to North bay with very few clothes.  The last day we were at our house we tidied it and I threw out my dirty clothes and I think I made Bruce do the same thing, so I wouldn’t have to take them with me and dirty up the car.  I packed most of our things even though we had a packing team coming to help us the day before we left. I was also hurrying to get all our laundry washed before I packed it so it would be ‘clean’ at the other end and could be put directly into the drawers.  I did it all except for 2 bins of clothes/ dishtowels that we eventually threw out because I was too afraid to open them at the new house till it was too late and the clothes were ruined.  It never occurred to us to run to a laundry mat and clean them before we left Welland.  In fact, these were probably the only clothes that actually needed to be washed as they were worn or used.  I saved them for last and ran out of time.  This would not be the only  time things got thrown out due to OCD.

While Bruce was living up north he was house hunting also and when we finally got one, his job was to clean it in the evenings after work.  He got everything done except the kitchen.  So to me the kitchen was ‘contaminated’.  I wouldn’t cook, or clean or do dishes.  I left any garbage from opening foods on the table because I was too afraid of using the garbage cans.  Using a garbage can meant I had to wash my hands afterwards and that could take up to a half hour if I didn’t do it just ‘right’.  So I tried to stay away from the sink as much as possible.  Even after we spent the time cleaning the kitchen, I was not too eager to use it, although I did.  Not for cooking tho.  Bruce did the cooking when he came home from work. 

Laundry was an issue too.  This house had a 2^nd floor laundry that was as big as a closet.  And in order to do a load I still had to wipe down not just the machines, but the walls, the door, the window ledge.  Then I had to take a shower.  Showers lasted a very long time. Many times I finished with a cold shower.  Often afterwards, I would be crying because I couldn’t stand it that I couldn’t shower like quickly like I used to.  I was also afraid to touch the walls, shower curtain or faucet.

 All the paper towels from cleaning the laundry room each time I wanted to do a load of laundry had to go somewhere.  For a long while they ended up beside the toilet in the upstairs bathroom.  When the pile got big enuf, they got put into a garbage bag and taken outside on garbage night.  That meant that I had to wash not only the path from the garbage can in the kitchen to the door which was ceramic tile and hardwood flooring, but also from the bathroom  upstairs down the carpeted stairs  to the front door. (because you never knew what germy things were leaching  out thru the pores of the garbage bag and landing on the floor!!)   Then I’d organize  the garbage, wash the front door and foyer area and finally have a shower.  Washing the carpet with a cloth was no fun, esp. if it hadn’t been vacuumed in a bit.  All sorts of sock fuzz along with regular dirt had to be manually wiped down the stairs.

When I noticed mold inside the rubber part of the new front load washer, I got fed up and we bought another one, a newer one that had drain holes cut into the rubber to stop the molding.  I  wanted to get a top loader but OCD loved the front loader with a sanitizing button on it.  Now I could really clean something if I had to! So we got that machine but in all the  time since we’ve had it I’ve never ever used it.  One, because I don’t want to wreck the clothes by washing them in such hot water and second, because I don’t want to start something by thinking that some clothes are so dirty they need to be sanitized.  I was washing ‘contaminated’ clothes twice using the longest setting possible the second time thru which meant I was taking 2 showers that day or waiting til one cycle was over before resetting the washer and then cleaning the laundry room and showering. 

We had left a lot of the boxes in what would become our living room and I would take them out one or 2 at a time and put the items away.  Sometime before all the bins/ boxes were emptied the room became contaminated.  This meant that one day I’d clean a few boxes off, take them out of the room and shower before opening them and putting the items away.  With a 2 yr old to entertain this process took a long time and by Christmas Eve day it still wasn’t done.  Bruce and I worked our tails off that evening, wiping down all the boxes and putting them in our dining room, finding and setting up the living room items and putting up a Christmas tree and decorations.  Katrina went to bed that night seeing a boxed up living room and when she came downstairs the next day she had an astonished look on her face!  Christmas had magically appeared at her house!!!

  So then we had a living room which was clean and safe to use.  As long as things didn’t get left on the floor for too long.  Then they had to be cleaned again.  Ditto for the family room in the basement.  The first time I cleaned the family room I found some unrecognizable bugs in the room (ie, not ants, flies or spiders, which were normal for houses.)  Because of my previous experience with maggots, I was completely freaked out that my house had somehow become bug infested by some horrid bug (not remembering all the times I’d left the house door open for at least a half hour if not longer while taking the garbage out and cleaning the foyer area!) .  I spent hours cleaning everything that was on the floor, table etc.  including books, toys and even the couch with vinegar.  And many items would be cleaned and then re-cleaned to make sure they were clean.  Once that was done, I didn’t want to clean the room again for a long time, except maybe to run a vacuum thru it.  So instead of a weekly routine of a quick dust and windex and vacuum, I’d do these long marathon cleanings every couple of months.  I felt that if I used a cleaner of any kind I had to take a shower.  Even a duster.

We had joined the YMCA and found the Early Years Center.  The EYC was a sanity saver for me.  The hub near my house was opened 3 days a week and we were there every time.  Katrina had the chance to play with kids her own age and I could either sit and watch or join in.  I told Lise, the facilitator, about my ocd  so she wouldn’t wonder where I was if I left the room to wash my hands.  I hated the feel of play-do on my hands so would wash after that.  I didn’t wash as often as I could have as I didn’t feel stressed there, so ocd was often quieter.

Unfortunately for me, the neighbour kids had a shed of outdoor toys they used in the summer.  In the winter it was left alone.  So OCD concocted a story in my head that there were probably mice in that shed and so the toys were all contaminated.  The school where the EYC hub was, happened to be the one these kids went to and thus it was contaminated- the drinking fountain, the gym the EYC also used, anything these kids might be touching.  Now I had a problem.  I couldn’t admit to Lise what I now believed because it sounded so bizarre.   If that wasn’t enough for me to deal with,  Lise would empty the garbage container from the classroom and put a new bag in it without washing her hands afterward.  So now the EYC became a stressful place to go.

I had been seeing a counsellor thru my husband’s work plan but he wanted to spend the time discussing my past, not getting to the ocd part of my life so when the 5 weeks were up, I stopped seeing him. The last time I was there he gave me an article on why we need not keep our children’s environments sterile.  It had a coffee stain right on the top.   (Coffee stains were especially contaminating because I belonged to a religion that banned coffee drinking.  I’m sure the counsellor didn’t know that though). So that told me that he didn’t get it- giving a person with germ- ocd a DIRTY page and giving me an article to read that I completely agreed with. I KNEW kids shouldn’t be left in a sterile environment.  Problem was, OCD didn’t, so it didn’t’ matter that I did.  OCD ruled my life, not me. 

I went to see my new therapist, Cory yest. and we made a list of things I still hate to touch- bathroom sinks, kitchen faucets, the laundry...  Only after i finished the list did i remember the real thing that I need to touch- all my clothes in the closet.  Funny how the catalyst for re-entering therapy is forgotten while all my rituals that I felt I could live with come up first.  Guess I don't really want to 'live with' rituals or weird ways of doing regular weekly or daily things.

Unfortunately OHIP isn't paying for this round.  My husband's insurance co. pays for some of it; the rest I pay.

So yesterday I had to touch the top and bottom of the kitchen faucet to turn on the water, wash my hands and touch both the top and bottom of the faucet to turn off the water.  Sounds simple.  I did it, and didn't dry the hand that touched the tap because I didn't want to 'wipe off' the contamination onto the towel.  Both a) so the towel didn't become contaminated (OCD reason) and so that I couldn't say that the towel was cleaning the contamination off my hand (ERP reason).

I stared at my hand for a long time, wondering whether I'd be able to think of it as clean, or ok.  I went from a 9 to an 8,  but then Bruce started saying things like:  'you're in control'.  Katrina hates it when we say that to her, trying to help her remember that she can beat ocd.  She tells us that it just makes her dread number go back up.  Now I understand why she said that.  Telling me that 'I'm in charge' that early in the ERP just says that if I wasn't so stupid, i'd be in charge and i'd get to a 0 really fast, and the reason i can't is just cause i won't, or don't want to, because, you know,  "I'm in charge".

Interesting piece of information, that was!  Saying things like:  'you can do it, Karin,' or  'you'll be alright' or 'shut up' (to the ocd telling me that I'll just contaminate the next thing i touch)  works to calm me down and decrease the noise/ dread/ fear in my head.

Also that's when something Cory said to me earlier clicked.  She said that my 'peanut butter' theory (where i touch one thing, and then it's contaminated now, and then i touch another thing and it's contaminated now etc.)  isn't my thought- that's OCD talking.  That's what i need to tell to shut up.  And while i'm telling ocd to shut up, i'm also not taking mental notes of what i'm touching for OCD to use as new contaminated items.

OCD is such a devious sneak.

Yesterday it took 43 minutes before i was ok touching stuff.  Today it took 14 minutes.  I was busy with the dogs, tho today so just got irritated faster that i was being one- handed doing stuff- and not my dominant hand, either, while yesterday night i was just sitting on the couch, WAITING.

I'd like to do it 2 more times today, just not right now.

PS.  i also think it's time the English language followed the rest of the world in not capitalizing their word for I.  It's a pain for those of us with not very long fingers to always be reaching for that capitalizing button.  Just my pet peeve!

Let's Start At the Very Beginning. A Very Good Place to Start. Part 2- I Ended Up With O.C.D.

For Part 1 of my story click here:
 http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2015/02/lets-start-at-very-beginning-very-good.html


Thank goodness for Google.  I entered OCD into the computer to see what the symptoms were and found not only the symptoms I was experiencing but also found that the thoughts I had had when Tom was a baby about maybe accidently molesting him because I was changing his diapers were also symptoms of OCD.   It also explained what was going on with me during the university years.

Next step was to call the doctor.  He sent me to a psychiatrist who put me on cipralex which is the only anti-depressant/ ocd drug that I could take while still nursing my daughter.  I also called Dana, the counsellor who agreed to see me but it took a month before she could visit.  The psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD and General Anxiety Disorder.

  By this time my ocd problems had mushroomed.  I could hardly walk outside in case I stepped on some leaves that had leaf ‘mould’ or in case I just walked near some dog poop.  I made everyone take their shoes off at the door and mine even got washed rather often in case something dirty got on them.  This was either done with a cleaner outside where they could get hosed off and dry in the sun or if it was an ‘almost’ contamination like stepping close to, but not in dog poop I could get away with just pouring vinegar on them and wiping it off with a cloth.  Even though it was summer, having bare feet was a ‘no-no’ since I could then bring all sorts of contamination into the house and onto the couch as I often sat cross-legged or lay on it. 

 Taking Katrina to the lovely park right across the street from our house was now really full of anxiety as she was mobile and wanted to touch and play with stuff, not just sit in the swing with mommy.  Other preschoolers would play in the park without diapers and then pee their pants and then go on the swing or slide.  I would take note and make sure Katrina didn’t touch those items.  Later I’d go back over with some cloths full of Windex or vinegar and wipe off the ‘dirty’ swing.  Or I’d wait until the next rain cleaned the park before going there again.

My life with a new baby was very anxiety-ridden.  I was losing control.  People had to wash their hands when they entered the house to ‘not get it dirty because I don’t have time to clean it’, or so I said.  Since the vacuum cleaner cord touched the ‘dirty’ ‘contaminated’ carpet, the vacuum cleaner was contaminated too.  I couldn’t dust or spray windex around a room unless I wanted to shower afterwards because that was too dirty a job now. (What if the dust fell on me?). Laundry meant a shower also as did doing the dishes.  All of these jobs were at one time my favourite household chores. Yes, I was one of the few who actually liked doing laundry- and hanging it up to dry. 

My evening routine went like this:  cook dinner, eat, do dishes, sweep floor, do any OCD decontamination cleaning, do laundry and then shower.  I’d dress in my pyjamas ready to nurse the baby and be ‘clean’ for the evening.  On occasional nights I’d help my husband do his homework or study for a test.

Library books, once a source of pleasure, were now a problem. They were often contaminated before I got them which necessitated a wiping with vinegar before I could read them and/ or became contaminated because I touched  them and thus needed a cleaning wipe down before they were returned to the library.  It soon became easier for me to just not go there anymore.  I was now cut off from my favourite hobby – one that not only entertained and informed me but also helped de-stress and relax me.

 I was also anxious about stepping on a cigarette butt or some other ‘dirty’ item.  Just walking close to dog poop made me feel contaminated.  It was as if I had a 3-4 foot circle around me and anything in it was as if it were touching me.  It was the same way with garbage cans too.  I couldn’t just drop things into one.  I’d have to stand a certain distance away (one that ‘felt’ right) and drop the item from high above the container so no garbage molecules could bounce back out of the can and touch me. (Think of the garbage landing on a pile of flour and the flour spewing dust and flour back up.  All garbage reacted just like flour to me- invisible but real.)

What was really odd, though was how inconsistent I was at what was contaminated and what wasn’t.  I didn’t have a problem taking Katrina on the merry-go-round. I could touch a grocery cart without getting upset.  Shouldn’t these things also be off limits?  Whatever I had wasn’t very understandable. 

Life was becoming chaos.  Things that were clean the day before could become contaminated and if I didn’t get around to cleaning them, someone else in the family would touch that item. Then I would yell, cry or both.  It seemed to me that other people had a strange need to touch objects that were contaminated.  Even if that object was sitting there for months with no one touching it.  As soon as it was contaminated someone would suddenly get a need to touch that item or put something in that specific spot. All of this meant that my 15 yr old was getting pretty fed up with me and my weird requests for him to clean things or wash his hands ‘for no good reason’ as was my husband.

We decided that Katrina should go to day care a couple of days a week so she could get away from my continual requests for her to come get her hands washed and  my counsellor Dana agreed that this would be good for me, to get some rest and do things just for me.  This would help eliminate my stress.  She helped us get some financial help for the day care as Bruce was still in school. 

 I was completely at a loss of what to do the first day Katrina was gone so I decided to clean the car.  It wasn’t just dirty, remember, it was contaminated with mouse poop so it took a long time to clean.  And I didn’t clean the floor, don’t ask me why, but that meant the car still was contaminated.  And I forgot to clean the seat belts, so that didn’t help either.   I never noticed how many times I got into the car and the buckle would be on the floor until now.  Since I hadn’t cleaned the floor by the seat belt it would contaminate the buckle which would contaminate me and my keys and Katrina.  But there was nothing I could do about it.  Except to clean the floor and if I did that the vacuum would be really contaminated, even if I never saw any mouse evidence on the floor.

 Day care brought more anxiety as I had to take Katrina in the contaminated car, so her coat, etc. was contaminated which meant her cubby at the day care was contaminated.  Was she contaminating the whole day care?  I kept these thoughts mostly to myself, sharing them only with Bruce and Dana. The ‘sane’ part of me knew that unless Bruce and Dana said they were dirty, it was probably ok.  That it was just me and I wasn’t really making all the kids at the day care dirty. Fortunately most of the time Bruce drove Katrina to daycare and picked her up.  He was not in the least concerned about my mouse contamination issues.  I would change Katrina out of her daycare clothes into clean home clothes when she got home.  Funny, I never made Bruce or Tom do that!  But neither of them spent the day with lots of germy kids sitting all over the floor and outside in a playground.  (I used to teach Junior and Senior Kindergarten and sit around with germy kids and  I loved it.  This is how sad my life had become.)

 By now, ocd had taken all the fun out of my life.  I used to like doing the laundry, sitting or laying on the floor, going for long walks, reading a book.  Now I just worried.  When on a walk, I used to look at people’s landscaping, the path ahead of me or just walked, lost in my own thoughts.  But now I was spending all my energy looking down in front of me or around me to make sure I didn’t step in messes left by dogs or cats or in any brown leaves- they could hide dog dirt or leaf mould.  Unfortunately what used to be my favourite relaxing activities now became anxiety-ridden feats.

In fact, I was becoming housebound.  It was just easier to be in my own familiar areas with all my new ‘familiar’ ocd-routines.  I had to force myself outside.  I was afraid I’d become agoraphobic.  Dana said that that could happen AND I could become more and more confined to a special spot even in my house as ocd got a bigger and bigger grip on me.  I didn’t want that to happen, so I continued to force myself to go outside no matter how anxiety-filled that made me.

I decided to use the time that Katrina was at day care to improve my French and German skills and to nap. That went fine for a few months.  Bruce was still working as a co-op student.  We were concerned that there wasn’t any money left for him to go to school for another year, so he started applying for jobs.  A permanent, full-time job became available in North Bay, 5 hours north of where we lived.  On the plus side, the company would pay for moving costs.  On the negative side, they wanted him in January and Katrina was just getting used to and liking her day care experience and Tom wanted to finish his year in the Sea Cadets.  We decided that Bruce should take the job and so he lived in North Bay for most of the week and came home on weekends.  That meant he had the car and I had to walk.  While that worked well during the fall, it wasn’t going to do so well in the winter months!  We got another old car for me and that solved my mouse-contamination-in-the-car problem because I used the new car and Bruce used our original car.

By this time the pills were kicking in and I wasn’t so anxious outdoors anymore.  However, they didn’t take the ocd completely away, like I’d hoped.  Not even close.  I did find that I wasn’t so nervous driving anymore and didn’t need to do much circle-checking for dead bodies or accidents.  One small blessing.

Let's Start At the Very Beginning, A Very Good Place to Start. Part 1 What the heck is wrong with me?

I came home from an afternoon at a friend’s farm in early September of 2005 feeling kind of queasy.  Did I have too much sun that day?  Did I eat something I shouldn’t have?  Nope, I was pregnant.  Forty years old and pregnant.   My husband was in college.  He had taken out student loans, had dipped into his RRSP.  I thought it would be an interesting challenge to see how little we could live on.  We had planted a garden in the backyard again to help us out with this endeavour.  Our 14 yr old son would continue to be home schooled as he had requested. 

Most of my plans went right out the window that September when I started feeling nauseous.  Bruce still went to school, Tom still home schooled but I, instead of cooking and preserving the garden produce and baking our own zucchini bread spent most of the day sick in bed trying not to smell any food at all.  Tom, in addition to his schoolwork and regular chores now took on laundry and house tidying also as well as cooking.  Someone must have done the grocery shopping too.  I didn’t care.  In fact, I said to myself “I can’t have ocd because I don’t care how anything is being cleaned or IF anything is being done downstairs and I’m sure that if I really had ocd, I’d be in the thick of it, no matter how sick I was.” Famous last words, as they say. 

Now why did I even think I had ocd?  Because I had watched an Oprah show about it where I found that I wasn’t the only person in the world who would re-circle a block to make sure I hadn’t accidently run over someone in the road.  So, I had some ocd tendencies.  Nothing to get overly worried about esp. as I had also watched a documentary about ocd where a lady couldn’t go to the park because of the germs there and she would sort and wash her laundry based on how contaminated it was, not by color.  NOT ME, so I was still ok. Laundry was one of my enjoyable household chores and I had no problem going to a park and sitting on a swing. I just had some funny habits- like not carrying the dirty laundry and the clean laundry in the same baskets and washing my hands after I touched the garage doors- odd because I didn’t do that in our last house.

Well, inevitably, 9 months later a beautiful 8 lbs 15 ounce baby girl entered our lives.  After the nausea had left, around Christmas time, I was able to read again and one of my homeschooling friends had loaned me a book to read called Diaper Free.  This book talked about how mothers used to help their babies eliminate waste before the advent of diapers.  It was an interesting book, and always one to want to make my baby happy, I naively tried it.  I did wait till the baby was about 2 weeks old.  Then I started taking her to the toilet and making a ssss noise, try to have her go.  She caught on but didn’t like it much, crying as she did it.  But as it decreased the amount of dirty diapers and poopy clothes I had to clean up, I still kept on with it.  After a while I could tell by the look on her face that she was getting ready to poop and instead of waiting while she filled the diaper and THEN changing her, I’d hold her over the toilet instead.  I did spend more time washing my hands and her hands & feet (since they were over the toilet and could have potentially gotten sprayed by germs, OCD anyone??).   

  By the time she was a year old I was still very tired.  Not only was I running up to the second floor bathroom with Katrina every hour or two but she still nursed during the night AND she didn’t sleep well during the day unless she was on my lap or right beside me.  Unfortunately, if I put her down in her crib after she dropped off to sleep  she would startle herself awake and start crying.  If she was right near me, I could softly jiggle her back to sleep, but  by the time I got upstairs to her crib, she’d be fully awake and ready to stay up for another few hours. 

Katrina was a very alert, curious baby who didn’t like being in a baby seat for very long, didn’t care for television to entertain her much (except maybe 10- 20 min. of Baby Einstein stuff so I could cook or have a shower).  Bruce was still busy at school from early in the morning til 6 or 7 at night.  And then after coming home he had hours of homework to do also.  So I had the main responsibility of her care day and night.   

One very odd thing that I noticed was that I was confused about how to put Katrina in her crib during the day.  Did I have to change her clothes so she wouldn’t get her bed ‘dirty’?  If people put on pj’s at night to sleep in bed, then shouldn’t she be changed from day clothes to night clothes for a nap also?  Strange thought!   I’d never had that concern with Tom when he was a baby.  He napped in his clothes!  I was also worried about touching the swing set in the park across the street- would she catch germs?  She already had had diaper rash a couple of weeks after she was born and a cold too.  I thought these thoughts were ‘odd’ but put them down to being a new mom so many years after my son was born and just being worried.  Kind of like 15 years ago when I worried about whether Tom was breathing in his crib while he went down for naps.

 But these odd thoughts didn’t go away like I thought they would.  They got worse.  My father came over to help put in new windows in our 50 yr old house.  The 2^nd floor windows had mold in them.  I used to try to wash it out but with the pregnancy and baby there was no time or energy for that kind of activity.  These windows were taken out and brought downstairs and out the door and new ones were put in.  I wondered if the windows had somehow deposited mould spores on their way outside and thus contaminated those rooms also. And were the new windows already contaminated because my dad touched them after touching the mouldy ones without showering first?  I spent a lot of time (with Bruce) cleaning up the bedrooms and the living areas where the windows had been.  This included washing walls, dressers, the bed, floor.  EVERYTHING.   But then the house was clean again… sort of- because I didn’t wash the sheets off the beds ‘correctly’ and they contaminated the linen closet. 

And then I started smelling something funny in the house.  Bruce called the chimney cleaners and they said there’s probably baby raccoons in the chimney, dead.  EWW.  They couldn’t come right away, so we were put on their list.  No problem- until I saw the maggots crawling on the floor.  Fortunately Katrina was too young to be on the floor at the time.  I spent time picking them up and getting rid of them and then made a frantic call to Bruce to tell him what was up.  The chimney people, taking heart at my dilemma, moved us up the schedule to the next day.  Bruce came home after his co-op job that night and put up shower curtain barriers between the dining and living room so I wouldn’t have to clean the dining room after the men left.  Then he made me stay upstairs so I wouldn’t see the mess that came out of the fireplace.  Again, I kept hoping that once these specific ‘issues’ were cleaned up that my need to clean and my belief that things were contaminated would go away. 

Bruce didn’t have that hope.  He went to the local health unit and asked them if they could tell him what was wrong with me.  They mentioned stress and gave me the name of a counsellor I could call.  I waited a month before calling. I really wanted to be ok, all by myself.

We were going out for a drive one warm late summery evening and stopped at a friend’s house.  They were outside cleaning up their camping equipment. The couple had just come home from a vacation down south where they were helping someone renovate a house.  I stood listening, full of anxiety.  I wanted to leave but they invited us in instead and Bruce went along. I didn’t want to go in as they hadn’t showered yet and thus were still contaminated by whatever renovations they had done. They told us more about their experiences gutting that house and how much stuff was behind those walls.  I translated this all to:  They touched dead mice/ mouse droppings,  then came back to their house and cleaned out their trailer which was also contaminated by these mouse leftovers. Now the whole house we were sitting in was contaminated with mouse droppings- even tho I hadn’t actually seen any- and so were Bruce and I … and so was our car because you never know what might have stuck to our clothes as we were sitting on their couch… and so was our living room as we walked through it on the way upstairs to the mandatory shower.  I cried the whole way home and for months afterwards thought that there were mouse droppings under the couch, in the living room and in the car. Even though I never found any.  I was now an emotional wreck.  If only Bruce had had the courage to say “no, we can’t come in for a visit” all of this wouldn’t have happened, right?

This is the Way We Clean our House, Clean our Stuff, Clean up Things. Or Not.

You know how most people think that  people with contamination OCD must be clean freaks?  Well it's not true.  I like a clean house but it took me a very long time to get back to 'normal' cleaning.  You know, dusting and vaccuuming and getting the crumbs and stuff off computers and tv screens and other touched objects.  I'd go into these long (6 + hour) cleaning binge for just 1 room and wash things once, or twice or more.  About half way thru, or earlier, i'd feel contaminated by the cleaners and then i couldn't touch anything with my bod--y without recleaning it. Then to top it off, i'd put the clothes i wore into the laundry then finally have a shower.  This wasn't for mouse-clean up events.  This was my new 'normal' cleaning.  Problem was, i didn't want to do that again, so it wouldn't get cleaned again for awhile.  Maybe some spot cleaning for a spill etc.

After a while ( and a move to a 'less' contaminated house, because i hadn't lived in it yet :P)  i learned that if i dusted and windexed a room I didn't need to shower myself or change my clothes.  So that part is ok.

The problem is cleaning special items.  Like today i had to wipe off the walker and bath seat I've been using since my car accident and broken foot.  I thought about it A LOT while not cleaning them.  Finally I decided to get started, after re-telling myself that the walker was never dirty, except maybe under the feet, which i'd do last,  and the chair I used in the bathroom to slike across the floor from the sink to toilet and back was just dirty, nothing toxic and even tho the 'dirty' bath curtain was touching the back of the tub seat, even it wasn't toxicly dirty.  So all i needed was some rags, or paper towels and vinegar.  I didn't need to throw my clothes into the laundry or shower after i finished.  A hand-to-elbow wash was just good enough.

After this 'pep talk' i got my supplies and started.  Walker -simple, done.  Chair, took a little longer because it had more parts, but done.  Finally the seat.  New rag, some paper towels for the feet bottoms and i started from the underside to the top to the chair backing.  The bottle was getting empty, so i was getting a little stressed, hoping I'd be able to finish.  Did so.  Even cleaned bottle off and around the bathroom sink for good measure.  But i felt a bit damp.

It must be cause i'm 50, but doing  even tiny cleaning jobs makes me all hot. It feels like i have sprayed vinegar all over me, or touched the wet items with my clothes.  Or.... maybe it's just OCD magnifying normal human activity to feel like i have just run a marathon.   I really wanted to take my clothes off and have a shower but the sane part of me kept saying NO.  What i really need is to sit this through.  Don't take the easy way out.  (But i'm still in pj's anyway, so why not shower.  It's about time anyway). But can i touch my library books without showering/ changing?  Can the books touch my clothes or will they be contaminated too?  What will the people say who get the books after me, all contaminated?  Do the world and yourself a favour, Karin, and take a shower.  Oh,  that would have been so easy!

So sitting here waiting for the dread to leave and my mind to calm itself down, i am upset at all the cleaning jobs i don't do, that i should do, that i have done in the past as part of the stay-at-home- parent's job.  Things like wiping down and tidying up a linen closet.  Or wiping out the fridge. Or the cupboards and drawers.  I used to put a book tape on and make it a fun event.  Now I hope that Bruce will get tired of the mess and crumbs in the kitchen drawers and clean them one Saturday.  Then all i'd have to do is feel badly that he did it and not me.

Being mostly OCD free (80-90%) doesn't seem good enough for me anymore.  That last meltdown i had in my daughter's therapist's office has me worried / concerned that maybe this isn't good enough.  That i should do the work of ERP to bring myself back to how it used to be.

I've looked on line for an OCD- trained therapist in my city and while most say they deal with 'anxiety' in their long lists, only 2 made mention of dealing with OCD, / anxiety as their specialty.  One of those happens to be my daughter's therapist.  He said that would be a conflict of interest.  Figures.  That means i have to call the other one.  Now all my anxieties come out.  I don't want to phone her, I want her to get my ESP and phone me.  Ha, ha ha.  When my daughter needed help I had no hesitation of getting her some help.  I do want help with this, as well as my 2 OCD  theories of The Spreading Of Dirt.  I'd like to think that my daughter's therapist's experiment i posted about before, would stick in my head instead:  if you throw a bunch of papers (germs) in the air, only a few land in the jar.  Of these, only a few are 'bad' germs.  What i want is a way to make that stick in my head.  But is this something a therapist can do?

On the plus side, I've been to the March of Dimes for help with getting a job, and we've done my resume.  This might be actually real, soon.  Job interviews, etc.  Another not fun activity.  Sometimes I just don't want to 'feel the fear & do it anyway'.  I just want the fear/ dread to go away and stay away.

I am also back to 200mg of clomipramine.  I think it's helping.

You Know It's OCD When:

I was washing my hands in the sink and little bubbles came out of the overflow hole.  Now for me that means those bubbles could have mold attached to them from the plumbing under the sink.  I don't know this for sure, as i don't have any plumbing knowledge.  What i do know is that the house is over 20 yrs old, the plumbing hasn't been redone in the bathroom and mold likes wet places.  Ergo 1+1+1=OCD.  I don't know how rational my thinking is in this corner.  I don't know whether plumbing from 5 yrs ago tends to have less mold than plumbing from 20 yrs ago, or whether sinks get mold in them at all.  This is just the premise.  See my last post for other ocd-inspired theories i've come up with in my life.

So remember that i have 1 broken foot, so can't walk very well on it. ( I can do a bit of a hobble if i need to).

Now i'm at the sink, not quite finished my hand washing 'routine' when the bubbles start coming out.  So i quickly stop (don't want to get any on my arms) and start to hobble toward the kitchen where i can finish washing my hands.  Bruce is just figuratively shaking his head, but what can i do?  If i decide that I don't need to go to the kitchen, that this is all stupid, then what have i been thinking and responding to the last 7 yrs ?

So i get my hands  properly' washed while wondering what would have happened had this been last week, when i couldn't hobble and would have had to use my walker to get to the kitchen, thus contaminating the walker.
Five minutes later OCD decides i need another hand wash but this time i wait, pick up my daughter's book and read to her, and then it goes  away.  Katrina and i have a discussion about how sometimes it can be a while before OCD dread feelings go away.  She is experiencing the same problem with her ERP activity.

I also just remembered that i haven't taken my pills for the day, and my walker is 5 or 6' away and i have no water close by.

 Here we go a-hobbling among the leaves so green,
 here we go a hobbling,....once again.

Killed My Foot

This doesn't have anything to do with OCD, but does, in a way.  Friday, while driving into a parking spot, i put my foot on the gas instead of the brake, noticed my mistake, put my foot on the brake AND pushed down hard, hoping to make the car stop before it hit the concrete barrier.  It didn't work and now my foot is busted.  So much that they couldn't operate because there wasn't anything to pin the stuff to.  So here i sit, on my couch with my leg in a boot, raised up.  Not a good thing for being able to wash my hands often!

I had to let bruce put the garbage out yesterday and will have to let someone do the laundry without me being able to supervise them to make sure it's all done 'correctly' AKA ocd"s way.  Sure puts ocd into it's spot!  I have a walker to get around with.  I never knew how hard a walker is on the palm of your hands.  They hurt while i'm walking as badly as my foot does.  Ocd got worse in the hospital.  I didn't like watching the cleaning lady do her stuff, or people coming in and closing the washroom door i'd specifically left open so i wouldn't have to touch the handle.

I went to my doctor;s on Fri. before the accident, and my ocd meds are slowly increasing.  Hopefully all the ocd thots i had at the hospital will mysteriously disappear over the next few weeks as my meds go up.  Haven't got hold of the mental health clinic to see about seeing a therapist. Was kinda out of touch fri. afternoon and all weekend.

I'm doing fine; mostly it doesn't hurt too much.  I'm home from the hospital.  I don't have to shovel snow, do dishes etc.  so this does have a few pluses to it.  I also finished my christmas shopping.  I just have to wrap it all up.  Trouble is, its upstairs and i can't get there.

Before you feel all sorry for me, i have never had a broken leg or arm before so this is all interesting and new.  I'm not in too much pain and haven't reached the boredom stage yet so my holidays aren t ruined.  This is all a fun experience.  Not one i plan on rehaving, so i am going to milk it for all it's worth!

I Get Knocked Down... Can I Get Up Again?

Dec. 18 2014

Yesterday afternoon was really bad. 

First of all I was feeling contaminated about the mouse thing and about picking up my dogs’ messes.  So much so that instead of going to my fitness test for the healthy living program I took a shower instead.  By the time I got to the ymca with my daughter I was rather late for that.  I mentioned that I had ocd stuff going on, and heather asked if I wanted to go back to therapy for a booster.  I told her that first I had to talk to the nurse.  And I did.  And she made some comment about how mouse pee has some problems with it and if it were her she’d wash all the clothes in her closet- including ties.  And wipe off all the belts.   That maybe the mice had been gnawing at my clothes.  I tried to explain that NONE OF THE clothes had been just laying on the floor in the mouse poop (or pee) that they had just fallen onto a shoe rack and maybe a sleeve or tie had just brushed the floor/ mouse crud.  Nope, she was adamant that I wash everything.  Needless to say, while I was expecting the work of an ERP of touching the clothes, wearing the clothes etc.  I hadn’t expected that I would be taking everything to the washer or garbage can.  What do I do with my husband’s suit?  If I take it to the dry cleaner, I and the dry cleaner would automatically be contaminated, so what would be the point?   So I should just throw it out?

I walked my mile (27 times around the track) with my head just spinning.  Afterwards I looked even worse than before.  Good thing tho, my blood pressure does NOT go up to reflect my stress levels.  Snicker.

Fast forward.   Now I’m at my daughter’s therapist.  I didn’t have time to shower before going there and I forgot a pair of clean long pants (actually I decided not to put on my shorts because I ha d planned to bring another pair of pants which I also forgot).  So now I felt yucky outside as well as inside. 

At Eric’s office I just pulled my chair as far away as possible and basically stared at the ceiling.  I guess he noticed because he sent Katrina out and asked what was wrong.    He listened and then stated that I shouldn’t have left therapy.  I asked what the problem was- I was soooo confused and thot that knowing whether to wash the clothes would solve the problems.  He told me to tell heather what I told him and she’d know what to do, or something like that.  So I left just as confused as before and absolutely embarrassed that I fell apart in front of him.

So I spent some time thinking instead of going to toastmasters last night.  Here is what I came up with:

I have a problem with my peanut butter theory.  And my molecule theory.

Peanut butter theory goes like this:  Bruce put on his tie.  Tie touched mouse dirt so now it’s stuck to tie.  Tie touches shirt and now shirt is contaminated.  Hands that touch tie or shirt are now ‘sticky’ with contamination and when they touch a dog’s leash, now that is contaminated.  When I touch the dog’s leash I am now contaminated.  Days later this is still true, unless I wash the dog’s leash.  It’s as if peanut butter was smeared from item to item getting everything contaminated in it’s path, even if I can’t see it.   Sometimes I can say shut up to that, but other times it’s just faster  & easier to wash and get it over with.  So I think  I’ve been doing that over the past few months.  I have noticed that my hands are more rough than usual.  But couldn’t really see why.

Molecule theory:  learned this in high school and useful for scrupulosity ocd, but also works for contamination ocd.  This one goes like this:  All objects are made up of invisible molecules floating around.  The closer they are together, the denser the object.  Hence a table has very close molecules (but they are still floating around) while liquid’s molecules are farther apart.  That’s the science.  The scary part is that I then concluded that molecules of banned substances like coffee or alcohol are floating around and may be separated from the actual liquid.  In real life this means:  an alcohol bottle box may have residual alcohol molecules inside and if I pack cups in them and don’t wash the cups afterwards, I would be inadvertently taking in alcohol, albeit a small amount.  Or a dried up coffee stain on a table would still have molecules floating around that could attach themselves to my hand and if I then touched my mouth I’d be ‘drinking’ coffee even though I hadn’t intended to.

Ok,  you can stop snickering now.  These were developed as a high school / college student.  While living at home I didn’t have to worry about any of this because my parents didn’t have any of that contraband in the house.  Fast forward to university:  Living with a stranger off campus.  She smoked (and probably drank coffee) .  One day she dried my dishes while I wasn’t home.  I had to rewash them (secretly) because she probably contaminated them.  Only I didn’t have the words or the understand ing of what was going on.  I just knew life was a lot tougher as a Mormon on my own.  I was responsible for all the accidental sins I committed, never mind any real ones.

When I was 41 and left the Mormon church my fears about coffee and alcohol disappeared. They were not sins and I wasn’t going to hell for drinking them.  (Don’t worry, all you non-Mormons.  You didn’t belong to my church, so these rules don’t apply to you.  You can still go to heaven.  I was just not so lucky.  I would have to be very careful all my adult life out in public.  Something I never imagined as a teenager.

But my theories didn’t disappear.  They are now morphing over to the mouse issue, I think, I hope.  Cause I’d much rather do ERP than clean out my whole closet   with all the contamination that would entail.

So it’s time to call the mental health clinic and my doctor.  Maybe I just need to readjust my meds till I work this out. 

PS.  My adult son says i should just impliment a 'salt theory'  for the peanut butter one. lol.

PPS.  In Mormonism you cannot drink alcohol, tea or coffee or smoke cigarettes or do illegal drugs.  I didn't want to explain that above because then i'd lose my train of thought.

Thanks for listening.  Sorry for any unclearness.  I’ll do a reread when I’m not so emotionally attached.

Exam... I Didn't Finish The Whole Thing Yet.

Remember how we had mice awhile ago and i cleaned everything up.  Well, unfortunately there was a part i didn't write about, because what i did write was so horrid to relive thru.  And then i forgot about it- to write it, not in real life.

When i was moving clothes from our closet to the upstairs closet of our new bedroom (old playroom) I wasn't being too careful.  We had cleaned out the kitchen and living room from the mice, but hadn't seen any evidence in the bedroom.  I dropped some of the clothes onto the shoe rack that was at the right side of the closet.  I picked them up and put them upstairs.  No problem, right?  Wrong.

A day or so later i moved the shoe rack and found a couple - or maybe just 1- piece of evidence.  So i cleaned the shoe rack and the floor but wasn't sure what to do about the dropped laundry that i'd had put in the closet, esp. since i had added more clothes afterwards, not knowing there was a problem.

Solution for me:  don't use that side of the closet.  Just leave it all alone until the EWW feeling goes away.  Which, as i found out, it didn't.  Bruce wanted some ties for a funeral but i asked him not to take stuff from there, as they were still on my OCD list.  Thankfully he didn't.

Last Sunday was the work Chr. party for  the kids.  Bruce wanted to wear a tie, and thinking i was sort of ok with the closet i said, ok.  Bad choice on my part.  Because it was NOT ok,  I didn't want to touch him for the rest of the day, when he touched the dog leashes to take the dogs out I classified THEM as contaminated too and so now every time i take the dogs out i either have to wash my hands or feel like i'm 'sort-of'' contaminating everything else.  The door handle has been contaminated, which i find sort of ok- ERP ishly but i can't touch a library book without washing to make sure i am completely clean.  Because the leashes touched my pants, they are also sort-of contaminated.

Sort of contaminated means i still wear the pants but put a house robe over top of them so they don't contaminate my computer or library books, and i feel sort of icky/ unsure if i should be noticing and labeling everything i touch after touching my pants as contaminated.  Lots of head space is being used up feeling completely confused about whether this is necessary or not.

Bruce had already told me that since this metal shoe rack was against the wall and because there were no mice droppings at the front or open side, that no clothes would have gotten dirty.  The slots between the bars were small enough that nothing (EXCEPT MAYBE TIES???  or belts??}  could have fallen thru, so not to worry about them.  So technically it should be ok to touch stuff.

Since Bruce was wandering around the house both before and after the party with the tie/ same shirt that the tie was on, that everything must be fine, even tho i marked a few certain things as contaminated.  I didn't go around the house vaccuuming after every step he took.

So some things i ignore- like the door i touched after touching the dog leashes and some things I wash after touching or before touching to keep contamination at bay.  So confused in my head.

Monday was a really foggy day in my head.  Slept lots, just wasn't very productive.
Sometime between Monday night and Tuesday morning i made a decision that cleared the fog out of my brain, but didn't stop the excessive hand washing, altho in a haphazard fashion.  I decided to ask the nurse at today's exercise class if SHE would just wear those clothes in the closet or if she'd wash them all first- just in case one touched a mouse dropping back in October.

Yes, i actually haven't worn clothes hanging in my closet since that date.  Fortunately many items that usually hang in the closet must have been in the laundry so they were just put away in other drawers until i figured out what to do with this.

I will follow what the nurse says- she's a trained professional.  If she says wash, i will either wash or pitch stuff.  If she says wear, i will either do that or do erps to become comfortable with this decision.

I felt better after making this decision.  Only today, in a few hours i will be getting my answer.  Will I accept it, or look around for more advice- an ocd ritual?  I'm getting nervous.

OH, BTW, i am doing ERPs with my daughter every night.  Under the guidence of a therapist.  They are not so fun either.

OCD CAN REALLY SUCK BIG TIME   but i will get thru this....

Again, sorry if this is a bit unclear.  I really don't want to relive this again by rereading it right now.

The Leaves Were Pretty This Short Fall.

Note to self:  If i reread my posts on a regular basis, i might even learn something! I forgot that i did the laundry ERP so well and went back to the laundry + shower method.  But then these past 2 months have been crazy.

Note to readers:  Writing  posts about OCD happenings is like having to relive them again- in slow motion.  So it takes me time to do that without feeling all the YUK factor involved in stuff like finding and cleaning up after mice.  Because there was more to that story than i told.  I just wanted to wait until I wasn't upset anymore.  And that has taken awhile.

Day 3  happened when the exterminators came to the house to put A+++ poison in so I will never have this problem again here.  Lesson learned years ago at our first house when I first tried humane traps, then killing traps and they still returned/ weren't all gone.  Then out came the big guns.  No more mice!

So even though it's expensive, we got the exterminators in.  Problem was- the exterminators!  First they sat on the ledge right by my garbage cans  (EWW). Then they sounded THRILLED that we had a mouse problem.  Maybe thrilling for THEM, for me- not so much.  Then they touched stuff. (Who knows where they'd been or what they touched before they got to my house??)  I had to leave.  I took the dogs and drove to the end of the street- a long country lane, crying.  I just couldn't take it anymore.

After a short cry i went for a walk to try to feel better.  And it worked.  I tried to focus on the day and what i was seeing, not what was happening back at my house.  Mindfulness helped me get back on my feet and feel i could handle whatever happened at home.

Bruce had put a piece of tape everywhere they had touched and i only had to wipe those areas.  He also told them i had OCD, so they then understood not to just touch stuff.  That was nice of them!  I thought that was the end of the story. Not so.

A week or so later, one of the dogs pulled the mouse bait out of the closet where it had been hidden.  So then i was worried that some of the poison had been dragged onto the carpet and stuff laying on the floor in the playroom.  Playroom now out of bounds until i 'cleaned' it up.  Which i did one Saturday morning.  We threw out that poison container.  I don't like poison where kids play!  And the dog must have sniffed it out.  Fortunately it is made so that animals and kids can't get at the poison right away.  But cleaning that area was another 'BIG EVENT'.  It didn't seem to bother Bruce that the dog had dragged the poison out of there.  But i kept seeing tiny bits of poison falling out of the container, then being picked up by fingers playing with toys on the floor.  (getting a bit creeped out as i write this.)

Only mouse thing remaining:  THE CLOSET.  There was some found in the playroom closet (that used to be our bedroom).  However it was only found after i was cleaning it out.  It was under the shoe rack.  Not a problem.  Just clean the shoe rack and any shoes on it.  Some work, but afterwards, every thing is fine.  Except that i had dropped some clothes at least once, and i don't remember whether or not it was in the closet, over the shoe rack.  If it was, then some of the clothes parts could have fallen onto the floor, right?  Right onto the mouse poop pieces. But i didn't know about that while i was moving the clothes, so i just picked them up from wherever they fell and hung them upstairs in our new bedroom.  So when i discovered the 'gift' from the mice, i didn't know what to do.  I didn't want to wash ALL the clothes in the closet, as some of them are suits that have to be dry cleaned and if i skipped them, it would be pointless.  Not to mention all the extra work of doing so many loads of laundry 'in case' something touched the clothes.  So I have just ignored all the clothes in the closet and don't wear them.

One night i discussed this with my dh and Bruce said that  #1.  the clothes rack was against the walls of the closet, so no clothes would have gotten behind or beside the rack where the stuff was. # 2.  it didn't matter to him anyway.  Number 1 i could process.  Except the shoe rack was made of wire, not closed boards.  But i could see how the clothes would just bunch up on top of the wire or dangle in front, where there was no stuff ( or i'd have seen it laying there).   So logically it makes sense to wear the clothes and not worry.  Unfortunately i haven't done so yet.  Humph.

Other things happening in the past month:  Bruce's dad was very ill- death-bed kind, so we went down to see him.  While we were  down south we stopped in to see my parents.  Which was a good thing because the next Monday ( Oct. 6)  my dad passed away unexpectedly in his sleep.  So we spent the week in Burlington.  I presented the eulogy/ life sketch of my dad because i couldn't sleep Monday night and spent the night writiing one in my head, while trying to fall asleep!  So i figured, might as well use it.  Good thing I've gone to Toastmasters, as i have learned to be comfortable with standing and introducing myself and having people looking at me.

Then  the next week i found out that someone had gotten hold of my credit card numbers or something and went on a night out in Toronto.  So i had to deal with that.  Then last Sunday one of our dogs was puking all over the living room all day.  Monday she had surgery.  They found sharp pieces of plastic in her stomach that had cut the gut in many places.  That will cost us over 2 grand!  And the dog is 10 or 11 yrs old!  So she has been at the vet's all week, but is making good progress.   So what will be this week's event?  Add cloudy, rainy gray days to all this and my month has kind of sucked.

OCD Conference in Connecticut- FREE!! With Lunch Included!

I received an email today from Lauri at OCDCT.org.  She asked if i would promote their conference.  So here goes:

FOR INDIVIDUALS WITH OCD AND FAMILY MEMBERS 

JOIN US! 

SATURDAY 

OCTOBER 18, 2014 

9:00 AM - 2:00 PM 

YALE NEW HAVEN 

CHILD STUDY CENTER 

TOPICS INCLUDE: 

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: 

WHAT IS IT & WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?

DR. CHRISTOPHER PITTENGER, M.D., Ph.D. 

DR. MICHAEL BLOCH, M.D., M.S. 

COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY (CBT) &

EXPOSURE RESPONSE PREVENTION (ERP): 

WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE & WHY DOES IT WORK? 

AMY CAWMAN, LCSW 

BREAKOUT SUPPORT GROUP SESSIONS FOR 

ADULTS,        TEENS 

AND FAMILY MEMBERS

DR. CHRISTINA TAYLOR, Ph.D., 

DR. DIANE SHOLOMSKAS, Ph.D., 

HEIDI GRANTZ, LCSW 

DR. DENIS SUKHODOLSKY, Ph.D. 

AMY CAWMAN, LCSW

For more info go to   http://www.ocdct.org/ to register.

.

I won't be attending as i live at least a 10 hour drive away- In another country, to boot.  But I wish my family could go.

This would be a wonderful event to take along those family members who don't know much about ocd and are to busy to read up on it.  They would get good information and this may help them to help the person with ocd.  At least it would put OCD in the realm of medical disorder, and out of imaginary illness.

This Week Was Exam Week

This week we found out we had mice.  We live in the woods, so  I guess that's not completely unheard of.  But we have 2 dogs- and one of them likes to catch chipmunks.  So  you'd think the mice would just stay away.  It's not like there isn't any meadow, grass or woods outside our house.  There's tons of it, in fact.   The mice can have most of it.  I just want the part where the house and garage are.  That's not too much to ask, is it?

Friday when we found the 2nd batch of mouse droppings in an ice cream bowl left on the couch (around 5 pm, naturally, so everyone has gone home for the weekend), we were told by some pest controller to check under the stove- that's where they really like to hibernate.  Yup, sure enough there was evidence there, so Sat.  was cleanup the kitchen day.

Also known as Exam- part 1.  Because that is one of my big, big triggers.  Anything black that i don't recognize, or that doesn't have wings somewhere on it gets 'mouse dropping' as first go-to idea.   So now that it's real- do i throw out all the cabinets?  I did that 5 years ago when we were moving into this house.  The owners had just left all the evidence (hidden conveniently by dish liquid and other bottles under the sink.  I got so upset that i just threw the drawers into garbage bags and out they went onto our front lawn- literally.  That was a 10 grand ocd expense, but when we had the cupboard guys put in new ones we asked for backings, so there is no moving from place to place, drawer to drawer, should there ever be mice again.  Also because there were mouse pellets in the drawers where their utensils and everything were, i  was afraid they had contaminated themselves, left the house to go to work etc. and picked up their mail on the way from the community box and the end of the street.  Thus the mailbox was also contaminated.  ( Touching that mailbox and the mail inside became my first ERP about a year later.)

And i have to say that that worked.  No mice droppings in the food cupboards.  Just under the stove and in the cheap pantry cupboards we had, whose doors wouldn't even close properly.  In fact, there were only spots on the bottom shelves of each pantry.  The mice had put some popcorn bits on one side of the pantry and some chewed up dog food on the other side.  This was a mouse storage room.  That's not too good!

Bruce cleaned those pantry cabinets and wiped off all the food and other containers (even on the shelves without mouse droppings) and i wiped out other cupboards to see if there was any evidence on those shelves.  Fortunately, none, so my cupboards got a good cleaning and like I mentioned above, the mice couldn't get into those cupboards, thanks to their backings.

Bruce meanwhile, cleaned out the stove drawer, putting the baking pans into the dishwasher if they didn't have any evidence of mice and throwing them out if there was actual stuff in it.  Meanwhile i was putting any open or cardboard foodstuff into the cupboards I had just cleaned so the pantries would not give any more food sources to roaming mice.    I then washed the floor while Bruce took out the garbage bags and then had a shower.

So this time i didn't freak out, but in an orderly fashion helped in the cleanup of the kitchen- letting Bruce handle all the really dirty stuff this time, though.  So far, i feel that the foodstuff we wiped off is clean enough to open and use.  Bruce dumped out any open containers of food- like corn starch, or the coconut bag.

The really odd thing about this happening this week is that last week we spent time cleaning out the living room, our bedroom and the playroom upstairs, so we could move stuff around.  We threw out a ratty couch, and old desk and then turned the upstairs into our bedroom and our bedroom into Katrina's playroom.  This meant that all 3 rooms were completely cleaned out, vaccuumed etc. and had most of the furniture moved around.  Then our son, Tom, who was home from university and helped out with the heavy lifting, went back to university.  This weekend was supposed to be finishing up moving the small stuff like closet stuff and decorating my new bedroom retreat.  Instead we found evidence of mice in the kitchen the day before he left.  But since there wasn't any evidence on the floor, just on the table and in the popcorn bowl left on the table, we wondered if it was some other thing.  We really didn't want it to be mice!  Bruce put paper on the kitchen table to see if there would be more black pellet thingies the next day, but there werent.  We didn't eat on that table the rest of the week!  And Saturday we threw out the table cloth too.


I didn't throw out the clothes we wore, tho.  I used the ' sanitary' setting on the washer for the first time.


Part 2 of exam:  Cleaning the living room up- making sure there isn't any stuff behind the couch (which there wasn't last week when we moved the couch from upstairs to that spot)

I spent 5 years getting comfortable again, being able to stick my hand down the side of a couch in our house without thinking that there was probably mouse droppings toching anything i pulled up.  Ditto for the floor.

8 years or so ago, i imagined that our couch and living room floor had mouse droppings on them even tho there was no evidence of anything of the sort because we had come home from a friend's place.  These people had been helping their son 'clean out' a house, to the studs and from the way they were talking, (to my ocd-freaking mind at the time) this meant that they had been cleaning up mouse droppings.  That day they were cleaning up their trailer etc. so MAYBE some of that crud had come to their house, and MAYBE they had sat on their furniture where we sat and MAYBE the livingroom was thus contaminated.  I was an internal wreak by the time we left there.  I thought we were bringing home mouse droppings by virtue of just being inside their (clean) house.  The car was now contaminated because we sat in it, the living room was contaminated because we walked thru it on the way upstairs to the shower.  Even after repeated vacuumings and cleanings the couch and under the couch was still 'contaminated' no matter that i never found anything.  The carpet around the couch got a daily vacuuming so that was clean, but now the vccuum cleaner was contaminated, as well as the cord.  (because the cord was on the contaminated carpet, and by the contaminated shoes.  Shoes are contaminated because they get worn outside and thus might have all sorts of stuff on them.



So compared to back then, i guess this week's dealings are not to bad.

It's now after midnight and i should probably reread this but living thru it once and then again while writing it down is enough for me.  I can't deal with it again.  It's after midnight

 

I did a survey for a University in Australia that wanted to know about the effects of ocd on the family.


My husband opens and closes the door to the garage when i take out the garbage so i don't get the door knobs dirty (and also so the dogs don't race out).  It started so he could watch me as i brought the garbage bag down the stairs so i would be sure it hadn't accidently touched the wall or the railing etc.  Or i'd have to clean that spot too.  Now i'm pretty good at that and he's just there in case i need a reassurance.
 My husband put some clothes that he'd worn as he cleaned the bathroom sink into the 'regular' pile of dirty laundry.  I got upset as cleaning the bathroom means the clothes are now 'more dirty' and need to be put straight onto the washing machine so they don't contaminate the rest of the laundry in the pile.  He compromised by folding that laundry inside another shirt so i won't have to accidently touch the piece of laundry.  I'm working on not thinking that regular laundry piles are 'contaminated' dirty and i need a shower after touching them.  So i want actually dirty laundry to not be in the piles for now, until i get used to normal laundry not being contaminated and thus can touch me or a wall without me needing to wash that place or shower.  It's a work in progress.
  I also have problems with thinking raw food can cross contaminate so i asked my husband to wash his hands after putting the frozen breaded chicken strips in the oven and to not put the contaminated spatula(used to turn the chicken half way thru cooking)  on the counter top where I later make popcorn.  He wasn't impressed, but washed anyway.

husband also does a lot of the cooking, esp. when it involves raw meat because i tend to get really anxious so i'd rather not do it.  Other times he helps in the kitchen. While i am putting chicken in the pan, he may open the oven or put in some of the spices so i don't have to wash my hands first.  Things get done faster that way, and i don't use as much soap. :P

Book Review: The Mindfulness Workbook For OCD: A Guide to Overcoming Obsessions & Compulsions Using Mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

By Jon Hershfield & Tom Corboy

When I received this book I had 2 different thoughts.  The first was that I wanted to actually work thru the workbook, not just read it and comment on it.  The second thought was that I figured I'd have to look back at my past to see how this book could or would have helped me with my OCD journey had I had it earlier in my battle.  So I worked thru the exercises.  Some of them I found I was answering them with past thoughts, like I figured I would.  I  don't have H-OCD anymore, although I did during my university years.  I didn't know then what it was.  I had been taught that bad thoughts were sins, so I just felt guilty and tried to keep them out of my mind, or at least way in the back where I could function normally and do my school work. (The workbook talks about using guilt as a ritual in its section on Scrupulosity OCD). 

  But then I remembered that I still have a few OCD rituals I do because I haven't yet get  managed  to eradicate them.  They have too many of what I think are 'real' not 'OCD' thoughts.  Garbage cans and bags are (sometimes) dirty, right?  Laundry is 'dirty' right, especially if I put in towels I used to wipe my hands dry after doing a ritual-  they could have any left-over contamination on them.  The black marks inside books have to be something disgusting, even if they're not old dried up mouse droppings. Hence, one must wash after  touching them- and in the case of garbage or laundry change clothes in case they got contaminated too.  So I realized that for at least some of the exercises (the Contamination OCD ones) I could answer with current problems and see how the book helps me.    (See  http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2014/06/keeping-my-mind-focused.html for how I used what I learned from this workbook to help me overcome 1 of my remaining contamination fears.) 



The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD is divided into 3 parts.  The first discusses the OCD mind and that people with OCD pay attention to thoughts that others either ignore or don't even register that they have.  The authors assert  that feelings and sensations are just that.  Feelings aren't facts and thoughts don't need to be acted upon no matter how intense they are. 
They describe my daily life for years: 

'If you live with OCD it's likely that you often wake up feeling guilty and spend your day investigating yourself and trying to find a way of appropriately sentencing yourself for the crime.  Or maybe you just feel that something is off.'( pg. 11) 

People can suffer from different thought distortions.  They include: Black & White or All or Nothing Thinking,  Catastrophizing or Jumping to Conclusions, Magnifying, Discounting the Positive, Emotional Reasoning, Tunnel Vision, Shoulding or Perfectionism, Comparing, Mind Reading, Hyper-responsibility, Magical Thinking. OCD uses these thought distortions to get you to do rituals.  It's challenging these types of thoughts that give us the courage to do the next part of Cognitive Therapy- ERP or sitting with the thought and feeling the discomfort instead of performing a ritual. 

 They demonstrate how thought records are done- the same as I do, except that they don't rate the mood at the beginning of the exercise and your mood at the end, to see whether your anxiety has decreased. See here: http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2011/06/i-cant-comment-on-anyones-blog-except.html or  http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2011/10/my-homework-this-week-is-to-go-to-value.html  for a thought record sample.

The authors talk about how meditating on your breath helps you strengthen your ability to come back to the present moment rather than being lost in an obsessive thought. 
Chapter 3 discusses what people can and can't control and how it's behavior that changes the intensity of the obsessive thoughts.  While people with OCD try and try (usu. unsuccessfully) to control their thoughts so everything will go well without having to do rituals, Hershfield & Corboy say that it's behavior that can be controlled.  Thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations come and go. While we can control our emotions some of the time,  we only have 100% control of our behaviors.  When the behavior is changed through Exposure-Response Prevention therapy, ( i.e. you don't do the  ritual, but just sit with the dread and emotions until they dissipate), " then your mind has to admit that compulsions are a choice.  If that's true, it must mean that the obsessions are not as automatically important as previously assumed. If that's true, then they may not be worth any response..." (p45)  Instead of sitting with your obsessive thoughts, sit with that one for a while! 

Then comes the work of listing compulsions that you do or situations you avoid so you don't have to do a ritual, then begin exposing yourself to these one at a time without doing the corresponding ritual.  For thought -OCD's or harm OCD, the authors teach a method of imagining that you have acted upon the horrible thought .   Then you practice sitting with the emotions and feelings. Over and over until your mind gets bored with the thought and "  OCD ...finally falls from exhaustion.  You may be sore and mentally bloodied but are the one remains standing in the end.  This is because of the reality behind mindfulness: thoughts cannot kill you"  (p.53)


A quote I found very interesting probably because my daughter usually does this to deal with her OCD is found on page 60 as follows:  " When you avoid something, you aren't returning a message of safety; you are returning a message of narrowly escaped danger."
Part Two of the book goes into detail about many different types of OCD -even some that are not mentioned very often,  or that are usually slipped in under another heading.  Their list is as follows: Contamination, Responsibility/Checking,  'Just Right', Harm, Sexual Orientation, Pedophile, Relationship, Scrupulosity and Hyperawareness OCD.  Each chapter includes examples, how to use mindfulness and acceptance and thought records to focus on the thoughts and then use Exposure & Response Prevention (ERP) to overcome them.
The last part of this workbook is about how you deal with the OCD diagnosis- advantages and disadvantages of sharing your diagnosis, explaining OCD to others, how to deal with OCD flare -ups and stressors (including hormones)  after you have 'finished' your therapy program.
They give on-line and book resources to follow up with.  However while giving the American and the British OCD Foundation websites, they omit Canada's which is: http://canadianocdnetwork.com/.  And while they give discussion boards for OCD, they have neglected the blogging world where people with OCD share their journey and struggles living with and overcoming OCD. Just search blogger & OCD.  My blog is http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2014/06/keeping-my-mind-focused.html   Reading others' blogs about OCD was very helpful to me as I didn't feel alone anymore.  Personally I found the forum sites I visited 5 years ago very negative and whining, while the bloggers were upbeat  and often funny- unless it was a bad day.  Hopefully the forums have become more positive and focused on healing too. 


A final quote:  '
Mindfulness is about seeing that [OCD] pain land on your satellite and accepting it with open arms. Let it wash over you. Let it be rain that slips across you and down a gutter, instead of snow that builds and builds until you are crushed and buried. Let your fear of resisting compulsions be replaced by a curiosity with what's on the other side.' (pg.77)
An excellent workbook that deals directly with OCD.
Disclosure note:  I received this copy free from Harbinger Press to do a book review on it.

Keeping My Mind Focused

I've been reading and working thru a workbook called The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD- book review in progress, coming soon.  They really want you to practice focusing on the present/ the task, not on your intense, possibly out-of-control  feelings.  One of the things the authors say is that: intensity of feelings does NOT equal truthfulness  of the thought.  I've been thinking on that and the papers-not-floating-into-the-vase experiment I commented on a few days ago.  I really want to be able to do laundry without showering or being hyper aware that I'm not touching  the laundry bag, washer or clothes except with my hands.


 I've been already not concerned about laundry just strewn on the floor, under the bed etc. because those would be my non-contaminating daughter's or just clothes abandoned due to laziness.  The problem comes with the clothes I put into the laundry bags.  Sometimes I put towels that I've used to wash hands after doing something I think is contaminating (ie. laundry).  So just in case some of  the 'contamination' didn't wash off in the water/ soap part, it might have been wiped off in the drying part.  So that towel 'might' be contaminated.  So far, until last Tues. nothing seemed to blast thru my mind that 'might-be' doesn't equal 'toxic waste'.  I also throw damp washcloths etc. in that may have been used to clean up a spill.  Actually I often try to put those on the metal parts of the bags (they're 3 cloth bags attached to a metal frame) so they can dry.  As I am chucking them onto the bags, I might miss and thus there could be damp laundry stewing in the bags for up to a week.  This also equals 'contaminated' in my mind, even tho I've seen no mold coming from that practise yet.   This leads me to today's experiment:


Still wearing pj's, I grabbed the laundry from my daughter's room and shoved  it in the machine . Repeat for the laundry pile in our room (sometimes the bags get full and I also tell my husband not to put his pants in the bags because it fills them up too fast.).  That was easy.  Made sure the laundry touched my clothes.


 Now for the potentially contaminated stuff in the laundry sack.  I undid the bag without touching the metal ( that's for next time's ERP)  and made sure my pj's touched the bag.  I stuffed it in the washer and then put laundry already on the dryer and washer into  it.  I wiped off  the machines -just -in case-  my usual routine-  and went upstars to wash up.  So far so good.  Didn't feel contaminated at all.  Just a twinge of dread.  But off course I hadn't done anything yet.  I still could just throw my pj's in the laundry, have a shower and be just fine.  But I didn't.  I washed my hands to the elbows and then the dread started.  "But you want to use a towel and throw it in the laundry- just-in-case, right" says OCD.  " DO NOT use the towel on the rack."  I caved in and listened.  I let my hands air dry. 

But then I started pushing back.  I was thirsty and picked up a cup with a bit of water left in it.  At this point I could just put it on the counter with the dirty dishes, but I didn't.  I went to the fridge, opened it and got some more water.  The hard part about this is that even after the dread leaves, I remember what I've touched and so, I  often have to stomp out more OCD thots later on.  Sometimes I just cave in, if I'm not feeling energetic enough to do battle again.  I let the fridge door touch  my pj's and came to work on this blog.  I just touched my shirt all over  to make sure I couldn't tell myself later that my pants barely touched any dirty laundry-that  I held it in my arms against my shirt and thus the computer didn't get contaminated..   


While writing this down (which takes time because my curser jumps all over the keyboard so I keep having to redo what I've written), the dread has left.  The next 'dread' spike will come when I throw my pj's on the perfectly clean bed.  Which brings me to another point made in 'The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD'  and that is this:  Perfection is  an impossible state to continue in. Once you've 'reached' perfection, the only place from there is down.  So a just-clean shirt can only get dirtier! Perfection is a false goal...  an OCD goal, that can never be attained, only OCD fails to say that part.


So I'm now supposed to go throw my pj's on the bed and pick them up tonight and wear them and sleep where I threw them.   I'm soooo tempted to let that go till the next ERP but that will just stretch out the agony.  Remember, Karin,  intensity of feelings does not equal truthfulness of feelings.. Repeat. 




Update:
Not only did I put my pj's on the bed, but I laid in it first & I touched my library book (oh no!) and my breathing mask.  Had a shower and didn't wash the faucet handle before I came out - 1st recontamination.  Had a drink and came on the computer -2nd recontamination, 3rd recontamination.  


One thing I noticed is the more I paid attention and focused on what I was doing (ie drying off) the louder that is and the quieter OCD and dread were.  Which maked it easier to continue what I was doing and ignore ocd. 


Also,  what I thought I'd never be able do- not worry when I'm doing laundry (once upon a time, long ago, before contamination OCD hit, laundry was my favorite chore.)   I am hopeful that one day I can do again!  Up until now, I thought that my new laundry routine was just a 'scar' from having ocd, it doesn't take up much extra time but it'll always be different than it was.   Now, maybe not.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Rituals

My daughter also has OCD.  Today at therapy Eric, her therapist did an interesting object lesson.  He had a bunch of cut papers in front of him. He told my daughter that they represented germs.  Some germs are healthy ( ie stomach bacteria)  and some germs cause things like the flu.  So he had us put happy faces on some papers (for harmless germs) and sad faces on others (for dangerous germs).  So we did.  Then he told us to try and drop them into a vase.   We did.  Only a few floated in.  Even at the end when I  picked a handful off the floor and dropped them all at the same time only a couple made it into the jar.  6 in fact out of 66 papers.  Two of them had happy faces on them,   That meant only 4 out of 66 germs were actually going to hurt a person..  So OCD, which says all germs are dangerous and all germs are on that apple, is not telling the truth.  Most germs fall by the wayside.


Hmmmm goes Karin.  That's a new way of looking at things.  My picture was that germs were like peanut butter (or jam, for any peanut allergists out there). Once I  touched something contaminated they all stuck to me  and then would proceed  to dirty up every thing I touched afterwards- unless I washed NOW, or I could wash the whole house later.


But this picture of a vase with germs trying to touch it and only a few getting in ( or picture a hand held out for all the germs to fall onto and only a few do) is a whole different way of looking at contamination OCD.
Can this work for my  laundry?  For the garbage cans?  for the black marks in the seams of library books?
It sort of did.  I was reading this evening and sure enough up pops a black spot in the middle of the seam of a page.  I ignored it.  After all, if 4/66 = 2/33  that is way less than 50% chance o f that piece of dirt  having enough germs on it to make the rest of my house dirty.  I didn't touch it ( I don't think), mind you.  I guess that would be the next step.   I have stopped reading books because of that.


Same for laundry?  If a piece of dirty laundry touches my clothes, does that make them dirty?  I say (or OCD says)  YES.  But it the above scene is true, then the amount of contaminating harmful germs isn't enough to worry about.   I could just wash my hands- which would have the most contact with the clothes and detergent bottles etc.  That's what I  used to do, in that long- ago world of PRE - contamination OCD.
What do you think?  This could save a lot of showering or clothes changing.

Happy Birthday- An Art Birthday Party

I'm still having problems getting pictures to post to my blog.  But I wanted to get this up now because it might be a while before I sort out the picture problem, as I'm not very computer savvy.  DS is coming home in August, so it might take til then, unless I suddenly find the right website to solve my problem.




Katrina had her 8th birthday party the day after her dance recital.  As I said before,  was supposed to be a simple party, but then I got excited after looking on the internet at other people's parties.  We made most of the decorations and the cake and goodies ourselves (usu. we buy the cake - I'd hate to make something and it either not turn out, or someone gets sick (I'm guessing OCD sneaks in there).
Bruce said he'd make the cake- a layered, multicoloured one.  I bought cookies and icing and nerd candies and made art palette cookies.  We made rice krispie squares and put icing on to look like paint brushes.  I bought pitchers and cups in 3 colours- pink blue and green at the dollar store and filled them with cranberry juice (pink), grape juice (blue) and apple juice (green).


I bought tissue paper and string and made green, pink purple and blue tassels hanging from the ceiling.  In the living room I cut orange, yellow and red tissue paper and folded them over the string into   triangles.  We made paint tubes from construction paper and had streamers coming out the opening of the tubes, to puddle on the floor below.  I took calendars of paintings by Monet, Van Gogh and Krieghoff , (which I already had ) tore them  and put them up in place of our pictures. I covered tables with coloured table cloths, put markers in containers in a row along one of the tables ready for the activity. I put a sign on a chair saying  Welcome to *** (address)  Art Gallery.  Open Sunday from   ***(time of party).  Special Guest Artists featured: *** and wrote down the names of the party guests.


We bought clear garbage bags as clothes- savers for the painting activities.




Activity 1:  Painting a Birdhouse.  Bird houses came from the dollar store, as did the paint palettes. We put the basic colours in the palette and by using white or black the kids could create their own shades.  Before the party DH spray painted all the houses so they would be white.
Activity 2: Shaving Cream Painting.  Idea from:  http://www.kidspot.com.au/kids-activities-and-games/art-activities+43/shaving-cream-painting+12123.htm.  This was a little messy but the kids enjoyed it.  Dried pictures went into their goody bags.  I showed them how it could be hung up in a frame.  We used food colour as the paint and rulers to wipe the shaving cream off the paper you put onto the painted shaving cream.  Cardboard isn't as flimsy, and wont rip the paperbut we used sketch book paper, a little stronger than regular computer paper.  We put the shaving cream onto a large piece of finger painting paper instead of in a pan.
Activity 3:  Marker Wheel Art:  Idea from: http://elementaryartfun.blogspot.ca/search/label/Coffee%20Filter%20Circles Making the circles was fun.  But there wasn't time at the end to use them to create pictures.  Art put into their goody bags when dried.
Game:  Draw a mustache on the Mona Lisa.  My husband got a picture of the Mona Lisa off the internet, and blew it up on  a colour photo copier at work.  Blind folded kids drew a mustache on the picture. 
Dress Up & Picture.  This was supposed to be a relay  race outside but it is black fly season and the bugs were bad, so we just took pictures of the kids dressed up as an artist:  smock (from dollar store),  artist hat (dollar store),  purple or red boa (dollar store) and a black mustache (made from construction paper) and holding a paint brush (from dollar store).  Originally the kids were to dress in the outfit and pick up a paint brush, run to a paint can (ice cream container covered by construction paper), drop it in, undress sit down as next person did it.  We were also running late so didn't do the relay.
Activity 4:  Origami.  Katrina is into origami and wanted to do some at her party so we found this  you tube channel:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcCS86eikJs.  Its fairly simple but I pre-folded many of the sheets so the kids could get an easy start- a straight fold is important.  We didn't get to putting the star together, so I gave out the website for the kids to do it at home.  They all were looking forward to the next activity so I didn't want to cancel this one to finish the origami.
Activity 5:   Picasso Pops.  Bruce and Katrina had tried this out before and she brought the results to school. So all the kids knew this was coming. Here are the instructions:  http://www.bhg.com/recipe/candy/picasso-pops/#comments
Mints turn out rather strong, so buy hard fruit flavoured candy.  Crush them ahead of time.


Cake and presents:  The parents were already starting to arrive.  The party  should have been 3 hours long, not 2 and a half hours.  The kids were thrilled with their suckers.


Goody Bags:  I bought brightly coloured gift bags and put in a cup- with-straw-attached of the same colour (both from the dollar store).  Because we didn't get to painting on the canvases I put them into the bag too (again from the dollar store).  Their birdhouse and finished art completed the bag.


I had a blast!  We had tried out most of the activities with Katrina beforehand, so she said she was bored.  She made a pretty birdhouse- so she wasn't all bored.




We still have most of the decorations up as they look too pretty to take down!