Pure: A book on kindle about a woman with Pure OCD

I just got this in my bookbub email. 

Rose Cartwright has OCD, but not as you know it. Pure is the true story of her ten-year struggle with ‘Pure O’, a little-known form of the condition, which causes her to experience intrusive sexual thoughts of shocking intensity. It is a brave and frequently hilarious account of a woman who refused to give up, despite being undermined at every turn by her obsessions and enduring years of misdiagnosis and failed therapies.

Eventually, the love of family and friends, and Rose’s own courage and sense of humour prevailed, inspiring this deeply felt and beautifully written memoir. At its core is a lesson for all of us: when it comes to being happy with who we are, there are no neat conclusions.

I haven't read it yet, but i am so excited to.  I've never read a book about Pure O,  and that's what i had after my first baby was born way back in 1990.   I had no idea why i had such awful thots running thru my head-  mostly they were just mini-thoughts.  It would start to come, i would guilt it away and mostly spent time just feeling guilty.

In my late teens, early 20s i also started having 'inappropriate thoughts' as my church called them, about what the adults were doing, you know, when not at church.  Not like scenarios in my head, just little  oh, yah. snicker.  And then i'd see someone's hand over the back of the pew, but in front of me, and i'd think to myself that he could almost touch me,  oops bad thot, exit thot, enter guilt.  Total time to muck up my self:  06 seconds.  And the less you want to think it, the more it 'pops' into my head.  

Of course, i'd never tell anyone this.  (But you can guess how much sexual info i had besides 'don't do anything until you're married'.)  I didn't need or want regular meetings with the minister about my randy thots.   Thot they'd go away when i was married.   Nope.  Finally quit wearing skirts/ dresses unless i was at a really important event.  Which caused a stir in my very traditional, very fundamental church.   But i was in my 30s by then and didn't care what anyone else thought anymore.

Anyway it's on sale cheap for anyone who is interested in reading about pure o and what it can do to you.

In other news:

I'm still taking my pills.  I've noticed that when i cut down, i seem to get more ocd moments.  Yesterday was garbage and recycle day.  I had to dig the containers out of the snow and then hike up my pants 'cause they were starting to slide.  So after i got it all done, i had to put all those clothes into the washer and shower to feel properly clean again.   Often this rash behavior can be avoided by a little thought record thinking, but i was already stressed cause i'd fallen on the ice and was scared i'd fall again and just be in more pain.  I've brushed my pantlegs against a garbage can or recycle bin before.  All it took was a handwash and i'd be ok.   i think.  I never gave extra thinking a chance.  Embarassed by my pants falling and worry that i'd slip on the ice again equals no time to think about whether or not i'm 'contaminated.'  

Touching the handles, lids, parts that the garbage/recycle men touch always triggers my ocd.  Usu. just a handwash suffices as i generally don't touch anything else.  Also i was digging the stuff out of the snow, so lots of touching, pulling, snow from on the bins getting everywhere ( maybe on me????!!)  Not my best performance.

I Hate Anxiety

I hate anxiety! Tomorrow we are taking the brownies (Girl scouts, for Americans) cross-country skiing for the afternoon. But since it's a pd day and parents are working, we made it a free all-day thing. It should be really fun, but instead of looking forward to it (i am, really) i just have a 'bad feeling'. Nothing tangeable, just 'what if' the activities don't go as planned, what if our activities only take up half the time we have planned for them.... bla bla bla. Gotta go out now and buy sprayers for the group so they can make snow art tomorrow. I used a ketchup bottle to try it out and it was fun. May only take 15 minutes or less for the activity but the girls will have a blast!

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Podcast by Natasha Daniels- How to Help Kids With OCD When They Don't Want Help In this podcast she also talks about the nocd app

Following is a link for a podcast by Natasha Daniels for parents with kids who have ocd.  But she also talks and recommends the nOCD app i mentioned yesterday.  An app that helps you thru your ocd triggers.

https://www.facebook.com/treatmyocd/videos/1013404618802318/?hc_ref=ARQIjHom_6ZaY6kRLqmpFQUgX-6lvYuH3A7eUM1kudboaXzxuxBQCOck_Ud6quidJBE

Also there are a lot of her videos and podcasts on her website

 https://www.anxioustoddlers.com/category/ocd/


I know that most of my blog entries have been about my struggles as an adult with ocd.  But my daughter also has ocd.  And maybe some of you also have kids with ocd, or who might have ocd,  as ocd runs in families.  

Facebook page with lots of OCD info, podcasts etc.

This is a facebook page that has lots of information, links etc. about ocd.  There is even an app you can get (for a fee, i think)  that will be there for you like a therapist when you have an ocd trigger moment that will guide you thru the anxiety.  I'm not getting any reimbursement or other money for putting this page link on my blog.  I  have not tried the nOCD app myself as i am mostly done with ocd triggers. 

The link:

https://www.facebook.com/treatmyocd/?hc_ref=ARSrqLOAfL7UpxkXSnKbW_DEs1VhWXjnM-8pvnzX_-DZPv2Hg9nyEziSTJnD8SEwB5A&fref=nf

Help Out the Researchers of OCD

Please help ongoing research into OCD by filling out this survey if you can.  Researchers will get farther, faster if we -those of us who have ocd- help increase the knowledge of the symptoms and effects of ocd and what does and doesn't work to eradicate it.

Jenna Feldman, M.A.
Doctoral Candidate, Clinical Psychology
Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology
Yeshiva University----Online Survey about Childhood Experiences and OCD

Please help us with a research survey about OCD treatment and enter a raffle for a $50 giftcard!

If you are an adult (age >18) and suffer from the symptoms of OCD you are invited to complete an online survey about your symptoms as well as certain childhood experiences that some people have. This study is being conducted by the Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology at Yeshiva University. If you consent to participate in this study you will complete a series of anonymous questionnaires that ask you questions about your childhood experiences and emotions. The survey should take approximately 45 minutes to complete. If you elect to participate you will have the option to be entered into a raffle for one of four $50 gift cards. To learn more about the study please follow the link below:

https://yeshiva.co1.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_bJHeDO4h3NzZzyR

A Rat's Life

Hi!!  I've been watching youtube videos of pet rats and what they need to have an awesome life. 

 Have I gone completely nuts?  Sometimes i think i may have. 

 My daughter has been wanting a small pet for herself.  She really wants cats, but my husband is allergic.  So no cat. Ever.  My thots on the whole idea:  Cats pee in litter boxes and then step in their pee next time they have to go and then walk around the house.  So i wasn't too sad that we can't have a cat.  I like petting others' cats and holding them no problem, but i'm not crazy about having to clean out a litter box.

Then Katrina suggested hamsters.  Little Rodents. Vermin, if you as me.  One of her school friends had one for awhile.  She seems to think she will love having and holding one of these furry rat- wannabees.

She's spent awhile talking about this hamster she needs and finally i told her we could go to the pet store to PRICE what it would cost to buy and outfit one of these critters. ( We could just catch a mouse the next time it comes into the house and give it a home in a cardboard box- all for free, but no, she wants one from a store.)

You've all heard about my total dislike of mice and cleaning up after them more than once on this site.  So what am i thinking????    

After we saw some stuff at a major chain store, we went to this other store, not quite so bright and shiny to see what they had.  The lady there, when she heard our interest in hamsters/ gerbils asked us if she could interest us in a rat.  She showed us the rats and told us they were more social than hamsters, less skittish and you could train them too.  Right.  They Poop, don't they?!!  And  pee.  I don't want my house smelling of rat pee; neither do i want to find one under my foot some night.  Actually what i really don't want is to be walking in my living room and noticing rat poop on the floor.

The lady had all the answers for my questions.  She said her husband feels the same way..She has or had rats that play with her preschoolers play with on the coffee table.  (Remind me never to put food on HER coffee table.)  Their poop is dry, hard and easy to pick up.  It's not 'dirty' as the rat is healthy and only in her house.  She knows where it's been.   For pee, you just have a towel around or put the item (ie a shirt) in the wash.  Like baby messes.  You spot clean the cage every day or so and clean it out each week.  REal deep cleaning of all the toys, containers, warm fuzzy cloths etc. once a month or so.  It can be done with just plain vinegar. 

 One video person puts all her plastic stuff in the dishwasher each month.. I'm assuming it's the regular dishwasher, not a special one just for animal stuff. (not so sure of that idea- i'm leaning towards a bath tub instead, or maybe just wiping with vinegar ).  Today one of the workers at the cozy pet store, let us pet one/ hold it.  OK i pet it.  Twice.  Just little times.  Then it had a runny poop, which the guy said was stress poop.  That might happen the first day we bring it home.  HOW COME NO ONE ELSE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS??  I was just getting used to having to pick up some dry stuff off some chair and not having to disinfect the spot where it was laying, like i do when it's  mice poop..Now i have to deal with runny poop, that the rat can step into or put its tail thru.  Ug.

 The lady we saw yesterday  said she lives in the country also and gets/ got mice and hates that.  But rat stuff is ok with her.  She says I don't have to walk around the house after my daughter disinfecting wherever she let that rat out.  OF course, if it's on a table where i'd later put food (ie my coffee table) she will be expected to do a wipe. Which will deter her, hopefully,  from wanting to play with it there. I want to clean only enough to not be dirty.   Not ocd clean.  

The rest of it seems ok.  They don't eat much, they can be taught to do tricks- even to be litter box trained!!!  Definately  the first trick Katrina will have to teach them.

They actually have cute little faces, and dumbo looking ears.  Am i being convinced?   Or is this just shopping therapy?  You know, i get to go shopping for lots of stuff, and get the shopper's high.  Will i come 'down' in a week and wonder what the **** i was thinking.

Or is this just a way for me to 'prove' to myself- and everybody else (like anyone actually cares) that i have licked this ocd thing?   Or just so i can get the reaction of other people when i tell them we have rats?  Can't wait to tell my daughter's therapist.  He's the one i broke down to when we got mice last year and couldn't take it.  Now i'm saying we want to house the critters. 

Now here's the mom in me that wants to Use this in some way-  In order to get the rats, Kat will need to do ...........  x for her therapy.  I just can't think what, except that she will have to feed the fruit and veggies to the rats herself . (Katrina has a very bad ocd phobia against fruit and veggies)

We took dad to visit the rats tonight cause he's  less eager than i am to get new housemates.  My female 'got to shop' thing is overriding my eww feeling.

Who would have guessed!!

Garbage cans- Revisited. Karin Does Something Really Strange.

I did a job interview at a theatre because I wasn't told it was a telemarketing job.  I was told it would involve computers and phoning.  By the time I found out what it was really about, I figured I'd do the interview, and since the job was only for a few weeks I would handle it.  I was really hoping they wouldn't call back and I wouldn't look like I was being really picky at the March of Dimes.

When I first got married I was thrilled that now my husband could make all the phone calls in the family and he seemed ok with that. When I was a student at university and my roommate was moving out, I was supposed to call the phone company to re-register the phone in my name.  I didn't do it.  I waited and when the phone was cut off, I bused my little self to the Bell phone centre to do it in person. - For a higher fee.   That's how much I hated using the phone to call strangers.  Then when our son was 4 and I got increasingly depressed, I went to see a counselor.  One of the things we worked on was me being able to make my own phone calls. Which, btw, I can now do. This came in handy after the germ-OCD hit and I didn't want to meet anyone, use door handles and the like.     So this is not an innate talent I've got.  I will see how this goes.  For all I know, I'll be really good at it and have a ball.  One can hope, can't one??

Now, on to the Garbage.   This is the 'last' ocd thing, I think, that I have to get rid of.   Back in earlier blogs I explained how I did the garbage and how I improved  (link: http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2011/06/attack-of-killer-garbage-can.html and:  http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2014/05/garbage-cans-revisited.html).  But I was still showering and using 'garbage' clothes.  So Cory told me to not shower afterwards (it's been a whole week, now.  I wonder when i'll get to use the shower again!  Snicker.) Bad joke.

 I could just wash my hands.  And no changing clothes.  OK.  And to touch the garbage cans daily (the ones in the house, but I did one better than that).

Monday night is garbage night at our house.  In the winter I'd change into shorts & tee shirt and socks, while in summer I'd put on a long sleeved sweat shirt and long pants.  This was so I could put these clothes onto a special shelf each week and only wash them when the pile got big.  Since I didn't need the out-of-season clothes, they could sit for awhile on the shelf . Then I'd take out the recycle and garbage, wipe  down the kitchen garbage can and the floor in the basement.

Last Monday i did not put on special clothes.  I took out the garbage and washed my hands.  Then it hit like a ton of bricks.  Sure, my hands were clean, but the recycle bin touched my pants and if i sat on the couch i would be contaminating it- maybe.  Did i really want to take this chance???  I stood in the kitchen for a half hour or more not touching anything, just working this thru my head. It was not a fun time.  Basically catatonic.  Finally, the dread started to leave and i could entertain the idea that I wasn't contaminating anything by sitting down at my computer.  So I did.  But I could not write about it that night because it was still too raw.  I didn't want to relive that half hour.

EVery day afterwards, I went outside and purposely touched a garbage can (not with my hands, just brushed it with my clothes)  and didn't wash it off or change clothes.  After a few days it stopped bothering me a lot. (A chocolate covered ice cream bar after I did it, didn't hurt either.)

It went much smoother tonight.  And no catatonic freak-out afterwards.  I know I used to complain that when I did an ERP   nothing much happened- never again.  Last Monday's response is not one I want to have again.  That was hard.  It actually worked tho.  Surprise, surprise.  

A Closet Full of Clothes -Free.

Just for the taking.  Ooops, I mean touching.  That I did, but as you can guess, I waited til the day before my appointment with Cory to do it.  Nothing like waiting til the last minute.  And then to find out that touching it didn't give me any 'who-hoo' feelings at all.  Such a let-down.  And the come the 'see, you could have done this MONTHS ago' voice in my head.  Which voice is NOT very. helpful at all. I wore one of the blouses to my therapist's office.  After all, if i'm contaminating my universe, then HERS should get done too.

And that was the topic of the day:  I shouldn't be using contamination language to describe my life.  I need to say:  i am wearing a blouse from my closet.  No adjective needed.  I am NOT contaminating anything.  After years of using this contaminated/ not contaminated talk to myself I need to stop that idea.

My computer fell ill and had to go to the computer hospital and didn't come home for almost 2 weeks and that was very hard on me, not to mention that now I have to remember back weeks.

One Saturday afternoon I decided it would be kind to help someone else move their stuff and so I volunteered myself, my husband (with his permission) and child to go to their house before OCD could have a think about it.  We were there all afternoon and I touched black garbage bags, and basically lots of stuff that wasn't mine, or 'cleaned'.  I told OCD to go on vacation - this was happening and it didn't need to bother me with the 'what-ifs' or 'ewww- yucks'.  I did compromise by not pulling stuff of high closet shelves that I couldn't see onto.  I wondered if i was going to need to have a bath or at least get everyone to change out of their clothes into something 'cleaner'.  Amazingly enough, I didn't have a problem that evening.  Nor the days later, which is when OCD sometimes gets its way because it uses the contamination language and I give in.

I don't think there are any contaminated spots left in my house.  I even told Bruce that if he wanted to just take the garbage out and not shower afterwards, that would be OK with me, as long as he didn't tell me about it.  He could just take out the garbage like he wanted to.  I did make one small, teensy request and that was to was his hands after.  So now he does the garbage and it's not under my supervision.

My daughter's ERPs are kind of hit and miss.  Some days she is fine doing stuff with a bean nearby, other days she gets all riled up and runs out of the room.  She also has this ritual of putting her shirt over her nose while the bean is in the room, to do ??  She says she doesn't know why her nose needs to be covered.  It just does.   One time i got her to uncover her nose for 3 min +  for a make up brush and she agreeed to do it.  The next ERP back up came the nose cover.  So she can't seem to take the idea that it didn't hurt her yesterday to not cover her nose, it won't hurt her today, either.  Or if a bean is 7' away and doesn't hurt me, 5' shouldn't be any trouble either.  Target stores left Canada this month and when the store close to us had 80% of makeup stuff, i bought a lot for my daughter who loves to paint her face and she gets one for every ERP that she completes.  AND she still gets to colour in a square for her to own her mermaid swim fin/ bathing suit she wanted. ( $200= 200 squares to colour in,= 200 ERPs).   Unfortunately, these rewards do not keep her at at her ERP.  When she freaks herself out, she usually leaves and doesn't come back to finish it.  I try to be calm and patient about it but it's hard work.  For a month or so, she was really good about completing an ERP, then all of a sudden she started running out of the room.  Not for the therapist to see and deal with, just us poor parents at home who aren't really ERP specialists at all.  Oh well.

On a good note, I think spring may have really arrived for good.  Keeping my fingers crossed!  And my foot is doing fine.  Not completely healed but I'm back at doing exercises again.

Oh, I decided that I do not want to do before/ after school day care for kids.  If I work at a day care, it will be with the babies/ toddlers.  I also put in a resume for an office clerk's job.  I like being with the kids at brownies.  That's good enough for me.  I will be doing a careers interest test at the March of Dimes to see where my interests lay instead.